A FREE GIFT, JUST FOR ME

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I love magazine renewal time.

It's the one time of the year that I can call up massive corporations and demand free stuff.

Actually, I suppose I could call up corporations and demand stuff whenever I want. But more than likely, they won't give it to me. And if I continue to demand, I think we get into an area that is referred to as "robbery."

But not with magazines. Magazines love to keep you as a subscriber. And they love to do it with gifts. Traditionally, the gifts were rather cheesy and cheap. (I think we are probably all thinking shoe phone here.) But of late, some of the magazines have upped their quality.

The beauty that most people don't know is that the gift offer they send to you is not the only free stuff you can get. No, sir, if you have an annoying personality and some free time, you'll see that there are quite a few gift offers that they keep close to the vest.

When my Sports Illustrated renewal came up, they sent me an offer that included a gift of a free gym bag. That's nice and all, but I received the gym bag last year as a free gift. (Never mind that I don't go to a gym, and that is now being used as a diaper bag for my son.)

So I called up Sports Illustrated and began to talk with Toni, a customer service representative. I started my conversation the same way I always do when I speak to customer service people, which is to get to know them a little better.

ME: Toni, where are you?

TONI: Tampa, Fla.

ME: Do you know Scott?

TONI: Pardon?

I do have a friend named Scott in Tampa, but Scott and Toni apparently run in different circles.

I proceeded to explain my situation to Toni, who told me that there were other "special gifts reserved for valuable customers." I, apparently, am a valuable customer. She told me that they had a sweatshirt. Received it a couple of years ago. How about a radio? Got it. And it was pretty cheap. Picture books? Pass. Gym bag? Toni was apparently on auto-pilot.

She then got to the polartec. "A polartec?" I said loudly, hoping to get my wife's attention so she could tell me what I was talking about.

"Fleece pull-over thing," my wife said, not missing a beat.

"Ah, a polartec!" I said. "What does it look like?"

"Uh, it looks like a polartec, sir," Toni said.

"Yeah, but what color?"

"Probably gray. All of our stuff is gray."

"But blue would be nice, too."

"Yes, it would. So would you like the polartec?"

I looked at my wife. "Would I like the polartec?" I repeated. My wife, not even looking up from her magazine, nodded.

Sold! Toni locked me up for another year. You do get a better deal if you sign up for longer, but I'll pay a few cents more on the cover price to get a free something. It's all about free things.

I then moved onto Entertainment Weekly. When Roberto answered, I asked him where he was. Tampa, he informed me. Since EW and SI are owned by the same company, I figured our common friend might be Toni. I asked.

"Sir, I live in Florida. We have a lot of Tonys here," which I thought was a pretty funny line.

"No, TonI," I said. I then realized he could not see the "i" on the end and added, "Toni's a female."

"Oh, Toni. Yes. I know her. Now, how can I help you?" Roberto was not as much fun.

When I told him that I wanted to hear what other free gifts I could get, he began to read through a list of about a dozen CDs. And all of them were of '80s music. I grew up in the '80s. Hall and Oates is permanently branded in my brain. I don't need a CD compilation. (Editor's note: Check out his cheeseball music collection. He's already got a compilation.)

I told Roberto that I wasn't really pumped about any of that. He asked me what I would like. Rather cheekily, I responded that a great gift would be to make sure Celine Dion never recorded another song again. The gasp on the other end of the line told me I had cast the gauntlet against Roberto.

"I take it you like her?"

"Uh, YESSSSS!"

Hmmm. "OK, but you'll at least admit that 'Titanic' song is pretty annoying, right?"

"I saw 'Titanic' 44 times." Seriously. That was his response. I could tell he was getting pretty upset. And I was getting pretty frightened that I was talking to someone who had sat through "Titanic" 44 times.

I decided that perhaps EW had run its course with me. I'm plenty happy with SI, so I think I'll just stick with that for a while. I can't wait to get my polartec. Whatever that is.