SOCCER IT TO ME

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Every year it’s the same thing.

Every year, like clockwork, I come to you and complain about the annual Alumni Soccer Game, in which graduates and former soccer players from my high school get together and play the current boys and girls teams.

Every year, I tell you how old I am getting.

Every year, I tell you just how much suffering I have endured as a result of trying to keep up with those youngsters.

But not this year. No sirree, the Alumni Soccer Game has come and gone, and I’m feeling fine, thank you very much. And, yes, I did play. But it appears that Mike has gotten wise.

My wisening-up process began when my friend Ron – a fellow soccer alumnus as well as the current girls team coach -- approached me about playing in the game this year. The compelling conversation went something like this:

RON: Hey, Mike – alumni game this Friday. You in?

ME: Hmm. I guess not.

Ron couldn’t believe his ears. I’m sure that Ron, like everyone else, just assumed that I would be out there, wheezing, coughing, begging for a substitution. It wouldn’t be the same without Mike and his annual near-death experience!

But the last year of my life has changed a lot of things. In that time, I have become both a father and a cardiac patient, so I choose my physical activities with some discretion. After a few minutes, I waffled somewhat on my decision. "Tell you what, Ron – I’ll play on one condition – I get to play goalie."

Ron responded with "Whatever." Clearly he did not invest as much thought into the game as I.

But the deal was struck. I would play in the game, but I would eliminate the need for pesky running by filling the role of goalkeeper, a position I last played two decades ago. Seriously.

The night of the game, I have to admit I was a little bit nervous. It wasn’t the standard pre-game butterflies. Frankly, I can put an alumni soccer game into perspective to help quell those fears. My concern was over the fact that my soccer cleats were packed up and in storage. Instead of my trusty cleats, I was wearing tennis shoes. As you know, as dew begins to settle on fields, the grass tends to get a little slippery. Cleats tend to counter that. And now go back to the part about me not having cleats. "A-ha!" you say. "Mike’s worried about slipping and busting his Umbros in front of a crowd of people!" Oh, you are smart readers.

There were several other people there who were former goalkeepers, but I figured that if I went ahead and played at the beginning, I could put in my playing time and therefore put behind me any further risk of injury and embarrassment.

When the game started, I looked around at the other guys on the alumni team, and I have to tell you – I breathed a huge sigh of relief. When I think of alumni, I think of people well older than me. Not here, folks. Instead, we had a bunch of 19- and 20-year-olds who were still in shape and actually still had skills. Some of them were active players on college teams. The most active I get regarding college sports is yelling at the television.

While I was not perfect in goal, I was not completely abysmal. I let one goal sneak by, but I did make several saves. And only once did I do the "Mike Steps on a Banana Peel" routine. Fortunately, it was when the ball was at the other end of the field, so it was basically me being a klutz by myself.

There was one time where, I think, that boys team pulled up and went easy on me. Late in the first quarter, a young player had a straight-on shot, with nothing but me between him and the glory of a goal, and he lightly tapped the ball right to me. Don’t patronize me, son. Next time, gimme what you’ve got, hotshot! BRING IT!!!! (Editor’s note: Oh, he’s mighty tough now that the game is over.)

When I checked out of the game, the Alumni had a solid 3-1 lead against the current boys team. As the whistle sounded for the end of the quarter, I strolled off the field, confident that this would go down as one of the four greatest quarters in the history of that night’s game.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com, especially if you know who won. I have heard from a player that they won 4-3, and from an alumnus that they won 4-3. Sounds like we need a rematch.