SQUIRRELS IN THE ATTIC

Click here to return to the main menu.

I hereby declare my house critter free.

As you may recall, I was having a bit of a problem with some unwelcome inhabitants in my walls. I assumed these were mice. I based this assumption on the several actual mice that my cat brought me. But, as it turns out, I was having a big ol’ furry critter party at my house, and the mice were just some stragglers hanging around. They were easily escorted out of the establishment with the help of my cat and our pest control guy. (By the way, he was mortified that I had a mouse problem, and I feel obligated to say that he had never treated my house for mice, and in fact I had once specifically asked him NOT to treat, since I thought it was kinda cool having them in my garage. I was very wrong, and have since allowed him to unleash the dogs of pest war on them. Do not mess with our pest control guy. He will eradicate you.)

But it turns out the big culprits in the house were not mice, but flying squirrels. They had found a way in and had been having massive keggers or something, because they got really loud at night. And let me tell you, nothing gives you a soothing night’s sleep like the soft, dulcet tones of squirrels clawing at a fiberglass shower wall all night.

I considered having our pest control guy take out the flying squirrels, but if you have ever seen a flying squirrel, you know that they have very big brown eyes that stare up at you with that look that says, “Please do not feed me poison.”

So I decided to do the humane thing (every critter gets one opportunity at a humane removal in my house) and set live traps in the attic. I crawled into the depths of the attic and saw where they were hanging out. I set a couple of the live traps and baited them with a Payday candy bar (as recommended by our pest control guy). Sure enough, in about an hour, the loud booms and clangs of a two very upset squirrels trapped in metal boxes were resonating throughout the house.

I brought the traps downstairs and freed the captives an appropriate distance away from my house. Squirrel free, I figured. Wrong, I was.

Shortly after setting the traps a second time, I had a couple more. At this point, I realized that much of my free time was going to be consumed by going into the attic and retrieving squirrels. Apparently, every time two would be escorted out, two new ones would take their place. It was at that point that my wife did what she always does, which was make a suggestion that I did not want, mainly because it is usually something I should have done hours prior. “Why don’t you close up where they’re getting in?”

“I had to trap four first. Duh,” I said, trying to sound like I had a point.

After releasing squirrels three and four (also an appropriate distance from my home), I headed back into the attic. There, I found their entryway, a pulled-back screen over a louver that was easily mended. With their opening sealed, it was now just a matter of rounding up the last of the stragglers and enjoying some peace and quiet. I set the traps and went downstairs to bask in the glow of what was my extreme intelligence.

A short while later, my wife called out to me from upstairs. “Michael,” she said in that tone that makes me think I am about to be in trouble, “the cat has…something…in the guest room.” My wife had gone in the room and found our cat very upset about something, and making repeated, angry stabs underneath a dresser. My wife decided that “something” was enough of a discovery for her, and left the door, locking the cat and the something to settle their differences.

I, of course, decided to intervene. When I opened the door, Delilah was still going bonkers, darting around the room. I looked under the dresser and saw her antagonist. You guessed it – Winona Ryder.

No, it was a flying squirrel, one that had apparently made a break through the open attic door when I set the traps. I grabbed some work gloves and a mere 20-minutes and a toppled lamp later, I had snared the little bugger. (For the record, I HIGHLY recommend very thick gloves. Flying squirrels may be little and cute, but they bite in a big and not cute way.)

I released the squirrel an appropriate distance from my house, and rounded up two more in traps that evening. The total count ended at seven, and I am pretty sure I have wiped out my squirrel problem. Hopefully, the flying squirrels will stay where they belong. By the way, you have a lovely home. And it is an appropriate distance from mine.