WINNING ON A TECHNICALITY

I would like to think I am a fairly smart guy. I mean, if I am in a room with, say, two other people, I feel confident that I will at least get a Bronze medal in academic competition.

But it is very disconcerting to be constantly and routinely outsmarted by a two-year old. My daughter is finally at the stage where she can think for herself, and that, I have learned, is not always a good thing, because her primary purpose of thinking is to identify ways of doing things she is not supposed to do.

Her first instance came a while back when I was washing the car. I remember the event well, because I wash the car about as often as I have children, so it was in fact a memorable day. Anyhow, Allie came over to the soap bucket and plunged her hands down in it.

Naturally, I let instinct take over and turned the hose on her. Ha! Just a little humor there! I would never have done that. Not with my wife standing there.

In actuality, what I did was tell my daughter, “Do NOT stick your hands in the bucket again.” As I turned around to continue washing my car, I heard a SPLASH! I swung around, only to see my daughter now standing in the bucket, completely dry hands held high above her head.

At that point, I was hit simultaneously with quite different emotions. On the one hand, I was not pleased with the fact that my daughter had gotten back into the soapy water. On the other hand, I was quite pleased with the fact that she had figured a way around the pesky rules.

Proper parenting took over, however, and I plucked her out of the bucket. “You cannot win on a technicality,” I told her. “Do you understand?” She stared at me, thought for a moment, and then said, “I wanna juice.” But I was sure she got the picture.

Fast forward a few weeks. I was sitting at the table enjoying my lunch when my daughter approached me. “I wanna sit in your lap,” she said, reaching her arms towards me. I had almost finished my gourmet meal of peanut butter and jelly and potato chips, so I hoisted her up.

“Do you want a chip?” I asked her. She answered by grabbing one off of my plate. (She always takes the biggest one. It’s so unfair.) After she popped the chip in her mouth, she began smacking on it quite loudly, showing anyone in the vicinity the contents of her mouth. “Allie!” I said, staring into the cavern of baby teeth and potato chip, “Do NOT open your mouth when you chew your food!”

She stared at me for a very brief moment and then replied, “I’m not chewing my food. I’m chewing YOUR food.” At that point, Allie’s mother decided it was time to get up from the table and go into the other room to have milk spew out of her nose from laughing so hard.

I sat for a moment to gain my composure. “Allie,” I said, trying to block out the snorts and wheezes coming from my wife in the kitchen, “it doesn’t matter whose food it is. Chew with your mouth closed, OK?”

“I wanna juice!”

So I was torn again. While I appreciate and applaud her seeking solutions to any and all of life’s obstacles, it is also important that she realize the intent and spirit of what I say is what’s important. I have related this story to several people, and they have said, “Wow, she’s gonna be a lawyer!” Yes, that is a possibility. But there is also a possibility she’s a con artist with said skill. (True, no reason she can’t be both.)

But I am working hard to teach her that winning on a technicality, while a valuable skill to know, is not the be-all, end-all way to get things. You need to be honest and forthright, and follow the nature of the law (whether actual law or Daddy’s law). Winning on a technicality should be reserved for times when you really need it, such as getting out of a speeding ticket or an impeachment.

Of late, I have tried to phrase all of my directives to her in as straightforward and non-negotiable a manner as possible. I leave no room for interpretation, and no room for wiggle. I am sure she will continue to push her limits, with others as well as me. But she is slowly getting the point. Or maybe it’s just a scheme to get more juice.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com.