ME VERSUS THE TREES

It is me versus the trees. The trees are winning.

My backyard is slowly overtaking me, and I decided it was high time to get out there and bring my trees back to a manageable level.

I have quite a few trees in my yard, but I have to admit that only a handful of them are what I would consider actual likable trees. I have a willow tree, a dogwood, a cypress tree (for some reason), and several oaks. The rest of the trees are either overgrown weeds or pine trees.

Now, some of you may be big fans of pine trees. And I am, too, assuming they stay in their natural habitat, which is any location outside of my yard. I am sure pine trees are nice trees when you get to know them, but I have no desire to get to know them, and I live in fear that every time there is a wind more than about four miles per hour, one of the trees is going to come flying onto my house, possibly crushing my television.

A while back, I decided that I was going to have four of the biggest pine trees removed in my yard. Even as much of a dolt as I am, I knew that I should not try to fell a giant pine tree. When a guy from a tree company came out to give me an estimate, he surveyed the tree for about six seconds and then said, "You care if we take out your fence?"

"Excuse me?" I said.

"The fence. We'll need to take it out to get the truck in."

Normally, I would not have had a problem with this. However, this particular fence has a fancy arbor gateway, and there is a really nice climbing vine that is all entwined over the arc. Not that I particularly have an undying attachment to a vine, but my wife seems quite fond of it, and I feel confident that if I were to so much as touch it, it would meet the fate of most of the things that I plant.

So I explained to the man that, thanks to my wife's love of the plant and my green thumb of death, the fence dismantling would be a problem.

He then offered up a cost of $300 per tree, since they would have to bring the trees out in wheelbarrows. I don't know what kind of expendable income you have kicking about, but $1,200 to rid myself of an already unnatural fear seems a little steep.

I made an executive decision that, rather than remove entire trees, I would trim the trees back. While I knew that taking down entire pine trees was way out of my range, I figured that thinning out some of the others in the yard would at least sate my appetite.

I pretty much realized that I had made an unwise move when I was standing at the very top step of a very tall extension ladder — you know, a couple of steps above the one that jokingly says "Do not stand above this rung" — with a 12-foot pole, at the end of which was a very sharp saw blade. I looked down to my left, and saw all of the jagged spires of a fence. To my right, mere thorn bushes. And there I was, using one leg to try and wrap around a tree to stabilize the quivering ladder, and leaning my head against the extended pole, in an attempt to stop it from swaying back and forth.

Add to this the fact that, even if I could figure out how to saw with the blade, I then had the unfortunate prospect of a tree limb pendulum knocking me off of the ladder.

As I was standing there, realizing what a bad idea this was and trying to figure out a way down without impaling myself on any of the numerous options, I began to think that it was a good thing my wife was not there, because she would most certainly start a sentence with "I told you..."

As it turned out, my wife did, in fact, know what was going on, but made the decision to stay inside, rather than walk out and startle me. She probably knew that there was a good chance I would drop the saw on her, right before I fell onto the fence post.

Eventually, I decided my best approach would be to lower the saw down to the ground, and flip it away from me, reducing my chance for losing a limb. Once it was safely away, I worked my way down the ladder. I considered kissing the ground, but I figured that might look odd to the neighbors.

I ended up clearing out some of the trees that I could reach while I was standing on the ground. And, I have to admit, that was really no fun at all. After about 10 minutes, I gave up the entire effort, since the danger factor was pretty much reduced to nothing.

So I still have my tree problem, and I am not sure how I will combat it. I'm thinking there has to be a way that I can do it myself. Maybe I need a longer pole for the saw.