THE BIG TWO

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It was two years ago that I turned to my wife and said, “Honey, can you please keep it down? I can’t hear the game.”

It was two years ago that I was really glad she was pseudo-restrained by IVs, because that is NOT a smart thing to say to someone in labor.

But aside from my little bedside manner snafu, I’d say the past two years have been pretty good indeed. As my daughter celebrates her second birthday, I feel it is incumbent upon me to share with you some of the things I have learned over the past two years:

1. Conversations I never thought possible are now routine in my household. Example:

WIFE: Where is the rolling pin?

ME: It’s upstairs behind the toilet.

WIFE: OK.

Nary an eye is batted, because we have a two-year old, and that is just normal.

2. Small children remember things, and repeat them at worst possible times. For example, a child may overhear someone singing the song “Shake Your Booty,” and proceed to march through a crowded room of people you hardly know singing it. It would normally be cute, only she substituted a different word for “booty,” a word I am fairly certain neither my wife nor I taught her, and that made her look like a two-foot Vegas performer.

3. There are no longer societal constraints as to what food goes with other foods or at what meal. Green beans for breakfast? You bet. Apple juice and pasta? Have at it. Stuff you found in the kitty’s special box? OK, now we’re crossing a line. Drop it. Drop it. DROP IT!

4. Dogs are the most patient animals on the planet.

5. After two years of parenting, you are unable to hear certain frequencies, namely the one that your child uses to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” at the top of her lungs in a grocery store. As other shoppers are clutching their bleeding ears and writhing on the floor in agony, you and your wife can blissfully discuss which kind of cheese to buy.

6. Parents should always present a unified front when it comes to discipline. Most importantly, this means Mom should let new Dad know when new rules are implemented, lest both Dad and Daughter get time out for jumping on the bed. Apparently, Daughter was already told, and Dad was supposed to know better. Apparently some people think Dad is a walking legal guide.

7. A baseball mitt is an entirely appropriate gift for a two-year-old girl. And for those of you who think she should be dressing up like a princess or something, I should share with you that, upon seeing the mitt in the store, she screamed, “BASEBALL!!!” thereby making her the coolest two-year-old ever. On a similar note, fashion is relative. I say, if a two-year old girl wants to wear a 1984 Rod Langway hockey jersey as a nightgown, more power to her! And Go Caps!

8. Potty training is not as easy as I thought. I was under the impression that, at some point in a child’s life – here I’m thinking around the three-week mark – a child would grow tired of messing herself. Apparently, that is not so. And when she does finally reach that point, she does not move seamlessly onto using the facilities, but instead opts for the more outdoorsy approach of going sans covering, I suppose as nature intended. Nature, however, does not have carpets to clean, thereby resulting in a bit of an issue.

9. Good hygiene starts early. And there is no reason why you can’t combine several events into one. Thus, when you find your child is sitting in the sink washing her feet and brushing her teeth at the same time (and occasionally brushing her feet), do not be alarmed. Instead, be proud that she is putting hygiene first! And then buy her a new toothbrush.

10. It doesn’t matter how long of a day you have had, when you come home, and see your beautiful daughter, an ear-to-ear grin, it makes you take a step back and reflect on things. And then when you see magic marker on the wall, oatmeal on the cat, and syrup on the stairs, you realize, your day was not nearly as long as Mom’s.

Happy Birthday, Allie!