TIME TO GET UP

It’s amazing how quickly you forget the sleepless nights of having newborns. (For those of you with newborns, please remember that your burning desire to hit me with a dish is just a manifestation of your lack of sleep. It’s not my fault, and it will pass.)

My daughter is almost four, and my son is about 15 months, and both sleep through the night pretty well, which makes a little more stable. Of course, as they get older, you find new sets of sleep-related issues, many of them involving flying leg drops to the abdomen as a wake-up call.

You see, my daughter employs a philosophy that, I am convinced, is genetic. When I was in college, I was always an early riser. Living in a fraternity house, this flew in the face of the general population, who would periodically sleep until around dinner. Well, this did not work for me. I am a social creature, and I need social interaction, in particular when I need an opponent in video game hockey. So, I would begin a march down the halls of the house, banging on doors, screaming the rally cry of “IF I’M UP, EVERYBODY’S UP!!!” Needless to say, people woke up. They then punched me.

Now, my daughter employs a similar technique. If she is up, everybody’s up. It’s party time. When she was a little younger, she couldn’t get her door open, so she would stand in her room and scream, “DAAAAA-DDDDDDDDYYY!!!! I’M UUUUUUUUU-PPPPP!!!” I had a natural reaction to this, and put a pillow over my head. My wife, however, who is no slouch at sleeping, could always outlast me, and I would go and retrieve Allie.

Now, though, she can open her door, which means she has free range of the house when she wakes up. I suppose it is fortunate that she does not decide to go wander the house and, say, make pasta. However, it is somewhat unfortunate that she leaves her room in a dead sprint and does not stop until she has done a flying leap on the bed, putting her nose about two inches from my face. I open my eyes and see an enormous grin WAY too close and hear, “Hi, Daddy!” No pillow can hide you from this. My son has always been a good sleeper, and he will usually outsleep his sister. This is something that is not to be tolerated by her. Many mornings, Allie and I will head downstairs, trying to keep the house a little quiet so my wife and son can keep sleeping. And many mornings, as I am fumbling for coffee (“Must... find... coffee... label... says... huh?... mustard?”), I will hear the sounds of a very unhappy 15-month-old who has just received the Allie Gibbons wake-up call. Just the other morning, when I made my familiar groggy-eyed tarek into his room and found Allie standing in Parker’s crib, holding him up, proudly announcing that, “Parker’s up!”

“And was he up when you came in here?”

“Oh, no. He woke up when I got in his crib and stood him up. And said his name. Loud.”

Ah, the honesty of youth.

By this time, I am starting to wake up a little (the mustard is kicking in), and I corral the children for breakfast. When I can, I let my wife sleep, because, hey, that’s the kind of guy I am. A wonderful, caring, sweet husband.

OK, so after breakfast I tell Allie to go wake up Mommy. Not so wonderful, caring and sweet now, huh?

I suppose I should count my blessings that the awakenings come after a full and nonstop night of sleep, unlike the days of 3 a.m. feedings and 4 a.m. changings. And for you new parents out there, just remember -- your child will eventually sleep through the night. Just hang in there.

And if you need help staying away, have another cup of mustard.