OFF TO THE ZOO

I highly recommend a trip to the zoo.

That’s where you belong, you animal.

Ha! Seriously, though, having recently enjoyed a jaunt to the zoo with my family, I highly recommend it. For one thing, you can see my wife get assaulted by birds, which is high comedy any way you slice it.

But before we get into that whole deal, let’s start from square one. My daughter is now two, and she’s the perfect age for the zoo. Well, I say she’s the perfect age. She’s not the perfect age if what you like in a zoo experience is a peaceful, quiet, slow-paced day. She’s perfect if you feel like you haven’t gotten your quota of wind sprints in.

When we arrived, we decided we would let our daughter make the decision as to where we would go. This was a huge mistake. Giving children options is like giving Robert Downey Jr. a plane ticket to Amsterdam. No good can come from it. Right upon entering, we said to her, “What do you want to see first, the monkeys or the lions?”

Now, keep in mind she knows her animals quite well. She has these toy jungle animals that she keeps very close tabs on. She knows if the monkey or giraffe or what have you is not in its place, so we were certain that she would be excited to see the real thing. She thought for a minute about her monkey/lion option and said, “I wanna see Daddy.” We asked again. “I wanna see Mommy.” One more time. “I wanna see Daddy.”

Fine. So much for that experiment. We made an executive decision to see the monkeys first. We strolled through the monkey house and let me tell you – if you have not been in a tunnel full of monkeys on a 95-degree day, boy are you missing out on an olfactory experience! It made a truck stop restroom smell like a perfume counter. It’s never a good sign when you can see the smells.

We expeditiously made it through the Simian House of Smells and proceeded to other exhibits. We saw elephants and giraffes and lions and such, and Allie thoroughly enjoyed each one, probably because she didn’t have to make any decisions on what to see. We even took her for a carousel ride, thinking we would have a little slice of Normal Rockwell Americana. Well, try and put a two-year-old on the back of a giant panda bear that’s bobbing up and down while calliope music blares in the background. It’s more of a Norman Bates Americana.

After we left the Carousel of Horrors, we went to what was surely the highlight of the trip for me. There is a section devoted to Australian animals called The Koala Knockabout. There you can see such as Australian things as koalas, wallabies, and Paul Hogan. (“Mr. Hogan, I don’t care if you DO have a season pass. You need to get back on this side of the exhibit.”)

But also here in the Koala Knockabout was a big walk-in cage of lorikeets, a type of parrot that, I learned, “has the lack of a crop and poorly developed gizzard.” I have no idea what that means, but it sounds serious.

Anywho, you can purchase cups of nectar and go in and feed the lorikeets. The cool part is that the birds land on you and drink the nectar while perched on you arm or your head or your two-year-old.

Now, as some of you may recall, I have had numerous run-ins with birds. In fact, I have been attacked on four separate occasions, so I am not the biggest fan of bird vs. man confrontation. But when I saw these green, red and brown things flitting about, landing on the heads of little old ladies, I figured it was safe. After all, surely the zoo wouldn’t let us in the cage if it were dangerous. I am pretty sure they learned their lessons after the ill fated “Betcha Can’t Catch the Tiger!” disaster.

My wife, however, is another story. Although she has never been mauled by a vicious fowl, she is terrified of birds. She made it very clear that she would sit outside while we went in. So Allie and I went in, and immediately five birds land all about us. They are hopping around, having a big old time. It was really cool having these birds just hanging out, sitting on you. I looked over at my wife, and you could see the combination of terror and disgust at what was transpiring.

After a few minutes, we decided to shoo the birds away and head out of the enclosure. But when we exited through the door, I saw that my wife was frantically pawing at her head and shoulders with a paper towel and had a very unpleasant look on her face. As she was leaning into the net to get a picture of us, another bird, having sensed her dislike, saddled up to the edge angled himself strategically and…let’s just say she wasted no time washing her hair when we got home.

Needless to say, we left shortly thereafter. It was just as well, though, since it was hot and we were getting tired. But it was a good time by at least two-thirds of the family, so I’d consider that a rousing success. I can’t wait to head back again. Next time we go, I plan on catching the tiger.