the phone rings Wednesday afternoon. i pick it up without thinking about it and say hello. a voice on the other end says hello and rather unexpectedly my eyes can't focus and the inside of my head bursts into explosive waves of flame. it only lasts a moment. i send her name down the line with a question mark at the end. she responds in the affirmative. for a second or two i can't think of anything to say, which is unusual for me. she asks if i'm still there. trying desperately to keep the fact that i can't feel my body a secret, i respond yes. for a moment a crazy thought enters my mind that i might die in this position- with a stupid look on my face and phone clenched in my hand, which would be quite obviously embarrassing.

CORONER-"what did he die of?"
MILDLY AMUSED POLICE OFFICER-"his ex-girlfriend called."
NOW ALSO MILDLY AMUSED CORONER-"oh, haha."

i know that she's talking talking talking but i can't get my ears to pick up anything she's saying saying saying. my body has seemingly turned against me and is now doing anything it wants. suddenly, three words slither into my consciousness like poisonous serpents.

get.

together.

sometime.

there is a feeling at the base of my spine. sortof like the feeling you get when you know that you are about to crash into something in your car and there is nothing you can do about it except whimper like a lost puppy, and you are quite certain that whatever it is you are about to hit is not going to move but YOU most definitely are. you are going to shuck and jive and be-bop all over the pavement. that's the feeling i get when she says

get.

together.

sometime.

for a crazy moment i want to slam the phone down and go running out onto the highway screaming and stark naked. like i said, a crazy moment. she asks me if i'm okay. i tell her i'm fine, then realize that it took five minutes for me to answer her. it seemed like seconds. she understands. only someone who understood would sit on the phone and patiently wait while i self-destruct over and over again. she's great like that. i say sure let's

get

together

sometime

and she says great. she wants to go out to dinner and tells me to dress nice.

a sense of urgency. sitting in the restaurant a few days later across from her eyes . they remind me of steel the way the blue-grey in them reflects the light at weird angles. for dinner everything is fine. just two friends having dinner with each other. everything goes smoother than i thought it would. my hands and mouth seem to be running on autopilot because the only thing going on in my head is- HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS -like static on your television screen. i can't think. but my mouth is responding to all her questions and comments and even making a few jokes which is good, because it makes me look like i'm not crazy. always a good thing.

every once in a while my mouth ceases talking to take another bite of something or other. i can't taste the food at all. i can't even feel myself swallowing. i might as well not even be here; i seem to be doing fine without me. after dinner we walk out to the parking lot and she asks me something that i don't pay attention to. i give her an answer that isn't really an answer. in my head i'm someplace else entirely which is disappointing because i was actually looking forward to this evening. then i snap out of it and notice she's touching my face (the way she used to with just the tips of her fingers). i am shocked that my first impulse is to push her away. she says in this very girlish almost-whisper voice that she misses me. i can't think of anything positive to say to that so i keep my mouth closed. a red light starts flashing somewhere deep inside my head and little teeny-tiny buzzers start to go off go off as she leans towards me as though she is going to kiss me, but my higher functions sortof left town a few hours ago. the only thing i can do is stand there and put my arms around her and feel like a little atom being split over and over until the end of time. boom, that's me. my synapses and neurons are all fizzing and popping and that red flashing light burns out with a final bright flash. it's like my brain is cooking inside my skull.

we're standing in the parking lot in each others arms in the darkness. for a moment my thoughts are quiet. there isn't much to think about. everything feels like a movie. a part of me keeps expecting drearily romantic music to start fading in. from the safety of my arms she starts to speak. she lists a few things that she misses about me. it doesn't quite sound rehearsed. she tells me she still wants to be with me. i tell her i don't exactly feel the same way. she looks up at me and i can see her face is wet from tears so i wipe them away with the sleeve of my shirt. i start to break when women cry. my resolve falters and cracks appear in the surface. there is a moment when i can actually feel myself weakening. i don't like to see sadness in her eyes so i tell her whatever she wants to hear. little lies that make everything better. i can't remember what i say because i'm not listening, i'm lost in her eyes and her tears. but she smiles sadly and i know i must have said something right.