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By Tim Wood
Last week's column topic was the greatest inventions of the century. In the interests of balance, this week's column will address - you guessed it - the worst inventions of the century.
* Drive-through windows at fast food restaurants. As much as I use these, I shouldn't be criticizing them. But doesn't it seem strange to see ordinarily sane people talking into a box out of their car? Some restaurants have even decorated these speaker boxes with clowns to make you look even sillier.
Often, you can't understand what the person on the other end is saying. Don't even try to get a special order - such as no onions on your hamburger. Sometimes the darned things don't even work. If you think it's silly to talk to a box, it's downright humiliating to talk to a box and not get an answer.
Some fast food restaurants have installed displays that show you what you have ordered and the price. Perhaps I should have included these devices in the list of great inventions.
* Telephone voice mail. In the newspaper business, making and taking phone calls is a major part of our business. Naturally, we know a few things about telephones.
Consider this scenario: you are a reporter frantically working on a story. You already are five minutes past deadline and the editor is walking toward your desk. He doesn't look happy. You need one more piece of information or your story won't be complete, and won't make sense. You dial the number of the person who has that precious information, and what do you get?
"Thank you for calling the XYZABC Corporation. If you would like to speak to sales, press 1. For customer service, press 2. For all other calls, or if you are one of those Neanderthals who doesn't have a touch tone phone yet, YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK!"
OK, so I exaggerated a little bit. Some institutions offer to let you type in the first three letters of the person's name and they will magically connect you to that person's phone. Rarely does it work. And when it does? "You have reached John Q. Smith. I'm away from my desk right now, but please leave a message after the beep."
And people wonder why reporters (and editors) get so grouchy.
I am proud to say that at The Daily Herald, a real person will answer your phone call if you call during office hours. After hours, we do have an answering machine on, but sometimes you will get through to a real person - usually somebody working after hours to write that story they couldn't finish earlier because they couldn't get past voice mail.
* The school fund-raiser: Perhaps this is a stretch - after all, fund-raising has been around for centuries.
School fund-raisers force kids to ask their family and friends to buy an item that they may never use for more than it's worth. I usually donate the amount of profit the school will make on the sale.
Some fundraisers have become more clever. My kids once had a fundraiser in which they sold nothing and asked for money. The prospective donor scratched off a star on a special card to reveal the amount they would donate.
In fairness, there are some fundraisers that I like. The magazine sale fundraisers have some good deals on magazines I actually read. Also, one of those $10 discount cards almost paid for itself. It offered a 10 percent discount at a local tire store, and I saved $7 on one purchase. For some reason, that tire store wasn't on the card next year. That's when I replaced the other three tires on that car.
If at this point you think the weekly newspaper column was a bad invention, I wouldn't blame you.
Published in the Columbia Daily Herald Sept. 12, 1999.
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