From Anonymous (3/15/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how can I get to be as smart as you?
A: Remove your pea-sized human brain and replace it with mine! That's
the only way!
From Fran (3/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how can I get Such a perfect sounding voice as yours?
A: No kitten-brained being such as yourself could ever have a voice
as perfect as mine. However, if you were to gargle three times a day with
a mixture of vinegar, rock salt, and mustard for 45 minutes you might lose
your voice and that would be an improvement!
From The Unherd Moother (3/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I am having problems with my children, they don't listen
to me. I feel like I am just talking to a wall. What can I do to make my
children hear me?
A: Rudy suggests that you trade you children in for some cows. However,
if you wish to keep your children I would suggest you install a radio receiver
in their skull. You will need to turn the volume up very high so that they
can't hear anything else. You should be able to find the directions for
this procedure in the May 1993 issue of Popular Moochanics. Still, I think
the best thing is to trade them for some cows!
From Mr. Mister (3/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I need to lose weight. I'm so fat I can't get inside my
car. In other words,.... HELP!!!.
A: I have three different ideas. First, try drinking 500 gallons of
diet soda pop every day, that should help you lose weight. Second, replace
your tiny Geo Metro
with an appropriate sized dump truck. Third, just try walking everywhere
and stop eating so much beef!
From I want to be just like YOU! (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I was wondering since you are so smart, where were you
educated? Also, Is all your intelligence inherited?
A: I was educated at FCBU (Future Cheese Burger University), within
six months of my enrollment I had earned every degree available and left
to become a world famous genius and general nuisance. I inherited my genius
from myself!
From Women rule! Men drool! (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if you could be any women in the world, who would you
be and why?
A: Who says I'm not a woman?
From Thanks Dude (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, is "Pat" of SNL fame a male or a female? How can you tell?
A: Yes, Pat is a male or a female.
From Cody (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is your favorite thing to do?
A: My favorite activity is reading the early poetry of Melvin, Earl
of Mousebottom while snacking on uncooked pork
rinds and a mushroom milkshake. My second favorite things to do are
sleeping and belching.
From Ashley (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how many Rudicuses are there?
A: There is only one genuine Rudicus Moodicus, so accept no substitutes!
One way to tell if you are talking with the genuine Rudicus is that you
get a uncontrollable urge to slap me!
From Camille? (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what kind of toothpaste do you use? What kind of mouthwash
do you find to be most effective?
A: I do not personally use any toothpaste or mouthwash. This may partially
explain my answer to the previous question. For pea-brained humans, such
as yourself, I find the most effective mouthwash to be high-octane unleaded
gasoline, followed by a lit match!
From School child in Idaho (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I'm doing a report on mad cow disease, and need some information.
Could you send me some, and maybe some personal insight?
A: Mad Cow Disease is the common name for BSE (Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy)
a disease closely related to Scrapy. The causes and transmission of BSE
are not well understood, but it is known that BSE is not caused by a virus
or bacteria. In advanced stages BSE has two major effects. First, it turns
the victims brain into a sponge. And, secondly, this causes the victim
to act and talk like Oprah Winfrey. For more information on Mad Cow disease
look here.
Rudy would like to note that there are no confirmed cases of transmission
of BSE to humans. This is likely because, unlike cows, you humans have
brains that are normally no brighter than a sponge anyway!
From Robert E. Beef, Vice-President of Goofy Advertising, Burger
World Inc. (3/17/98)
Q: Dear Mr. Moody,
We at Burger World were wondering if you would like to become our official
spokes-cow and help sell our Happy Cow-O-Meals. The pay is $3.50 per hour.
A: Mr. Beef,
Do I look stupid? I don't see how any cow could be happy if he has
been turned into one of your Cow-O-Meals. I hope your company has an unexpected
guest appearance on Oprah and 60 minutes both! How can you possibly expect
me to betray my fellow cows for $3.50 per hour? I think the consumption
of cow meat is immoral. I would like to say some more nasty things to you,
but I must quit now and take my bacon and pork chops off the stove before
they burn.
From Russell (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why are you a cow instead of a human being?
A: Because I am a cow. I really didn't have any choice about it you
know. I might ask you, "Why are you a pea-brained human being instead of
a cockroach?"
From the Professor (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why do diamonds have such a high dielectric constant at
optic frequencies? P.S. I think Mary Ann likes me, how can I be sure?
A: If I tell you why, you'll just go win yourself a Nobel
prize that you don't deserve, won't you? Well the real reason is because
if they didn't then I would be very angry with them. To see if Mary Ann
likes you do the following: 1) Knock her unconscious. 2) Administer a local
pain killer. 3) Remove her brain. 4) Test it to see if there are high concentrations
of Monosodium Glutamate and Red Dye #3. 5) If you find high concentrations,
then she liked you.
From Cody (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you a mad cow?
A: Only when I have to answer silly questions!!!
From Ashley (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is your favorite song to sing in the shower?
A: Let me ask you this, "Have you ever seen a cow in the shower? Have
you ever smelled a cow?" I prefer to keep my hide covered with cow sweat
and flies, this attracts other cows and drives away people. I like to sing
"99 Bottles of Milk on the Wall" when I am not reading poetry.
From Belching Boy (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, Do you have fleas? I am a fellow belcher. I am just coming
out of the closet about it so I was relieved to know that someone as awesome
as you did too.
A: Sorry to burst your bubble, but I think that human belching is disgusting!
It's so quiet and high pitched. Cow belching, on the other hand, is highly
sophisticated and has a myriad of musical qualities that can never be appreciated
by small-brains like you. Please go back inside your closet and lock the
door! P.S. I do not have (very many) fleas!
From Casey (3/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, do you like meat? What is your favorite dinosaur?
A: I like cow meat as long as it stays on the cow. My favorite dinosaur
was the fierce Cowasaurus Rex, which terrorized plants of all kinds for
millions of years. The Cowasaurus was very smart, had a soft scaly hide
of black and white, and often wore a cute red bow on its head.
From Concerned mother of five (3/18/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you related to any of the Buffalo
in Yellowstone park that have bruecellosis?
A: I assume you are asking this question to embarrass either myself
or cows in general or both. I would have you note that I am a cow, not
a buffalo and hence unrelated to any in Jellystone Park. I am (as usual)
disgusted by your inference that I would be related in any way to a Buffalo.
Buffalo are slow, fat, hairy, stinky, bad tempered, and rude. Aside from
these traits they have nothing in common with me!
From Curious about Cud (3/18/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how many times a day do you swallow and rechew your cud?
Does it taste different each time?
A: This is really getting out of hoof! I refuse to answer any more
of these personal questions! How would you feel if I asked you, "How many
times a day do you belch or pick your nose?" Once again I sense you are
trying to embarrass me. You may think it is disgusting for cows to chew
cud, but we are not as obvious as you humans and your nose-picking!. When
was the last time you stopped at a stop light, looked over at the driver
in the next car, and saw a cow chewing its cud?
From Donna (3/18/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I have a really nice pair of white tennis shoes, but I
want to badger my parents into getting me an expensive brand new pair of
sandals. What's the best method to get them?
A: Try the following: 1) Go one whole month without complaining about
the way your parents overwork you and fail to appreciate you. 2) Fix them
breakfast in bed at least four times. 3) Clean the all the bathrooms (including
the toilets) without being asked once a week. 4) Go to bed on time and
without complaining every night for one whole month. 5) Be nice to all
your brothers and sisters, including sharing your toys with the youngest
ones, for a whole month. 6) Eat all your vegetables and compliment your
mother on her cooking every meal for a whole month. 7) Do your homework
without complaining as soon as you come home from school and before you
play with any friends. 8) Do extra chores without being asked. If you do
all these things and still don't get the sandals, then hire
a lawyer and sue them!
From Dude (3/18/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I wish you would stop bragging. The question is why do
you brag?
A: I don't brag. I merely point out that I am superior to other beings
in every imaginable way!
From Lardo (3/19/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, would you ever consider running for president?
A: Never, I have no desire to be president of any country. I view my
role in society as that of teacher to you feeble minded fools. It would
be wrong for me to exploit my superior intelligence in that way. Instead,
I plan to become supreme dictator of the world someday.
From Herman, the Human (3/19/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if you had to be human, who would you be?
A: I would choose to be the greatest dramatic actor in all human history.
The man who has inspired millions of viewers with his dramatic genius.
No, I don't mean that wimp, Lawrence Olivier, I mean, of course, William
Shatner. Either him or Steven
Hawking.
From Your Face Is Turning Red. (3/19/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what do you do that embarrasses your family and what do
they do that embarrasses you?
A: Well, as you might already have guessed, not much embarrasses Rudicus.
However, my dear sweet mother often used to brag excessively to the other
cows in the barn about my superior intelligence and sparkling personality.
Also, sometimes when I would sneak home to visit with my classmates at
MIT, she would embarrass me with limited vocabulary - Moo. Of course, nothing
I do would ever have embarrassed my family.
From I'm Scared!!!. (3/19/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I read in the paper today that the Federal
Reserve is finding the absence of increased inflation eerie. Is this
a sign of life forms control the inflation
rate?
A: Strictly speaking, I am not an
life form. Just, inhuman (more precisely,
human).
From Intrigued. (3/19/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, Is your sudden appearance on the Internet in any way related
to El
Nino?
A: Yes. Which do you like better?
From Cody. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how come you're so mean?
A: Who says I'm mean? I am a cow. Cows are cute and lovable and oh
so adorable! Tell me who said I'm mean and then I'll find them and tear
them into little pieces!
From Ashley. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is your favorite school subject?
A: My favorite subject is recess. However I also enjoy the study of
small-brained parasites, in other words, humanology.
From Anonymous. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what virtue do you think is most overrated?
A: I think you cannot have too much virtue. (You can't, but
it might be possible for me.) However, there is one virtue which
is sadly neglected in this day and age - kindness to intelligent cows!
From Superstitious. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what superstition do you most strongly believe in?
A: I think superstitions are silly. It is a sign of low metal capacity
to believe in them. I would like tell you more, but I'm not wearing my
lucky T-shirt and I lost my rabbit's foot last week.
From Anonymous Too. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, who are your real life heroes, how about your make-believed
heroes?
A: The person I most want to be like is myself. I think that Rudicus
Moodicus is the best role-model in the entire known universe. If I can
be even a little like myself, then I will be happy!
From Really Anonymous Too. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you enjoying your life in the spotlight?
A: No! Spotlights waste electricity! Turn it off right now or I'll
tell your mother and this
man!
From Lugnut. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I think my girlfriend is going to dump me. Last week when
I called to talk to her she was out "with a friend". Then, yesterday when
I called her to ask her out to the tractor-pull she told me she has other
plans. What can I do?
A: Sorry Lugnut, but you need to find someone else. She obviously enjoyed
her time with me slow dancing and attending the opera more than all those
trips with you to the tractor-pulls. I guess we cows are just naturally
more appealing. My cousin Grislelda is looking for
a date, let me know if you're interested!
From Word-lover. (3/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what does the word "paradox" mean? Could you use it in
a sentence?
A: Certainly. "The man was so seriously ill that two specialists were
called in to diagnose him; he got help from a paradox." Heh heh! Pair o'
docs, get it? Get it? Oh, Never mind! Sheesh!
From Science Fiction Nut. (3/21/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are there cows in outer space?
A: Of course! All truly intelligent species are capable of interstellar
space flight. And all spacefaring species are intelligent. However, there
is one exception!
From Anonymous. (3/22/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my boss is a control freak. He is constantly getting his
fingers into everyone else's business and undermines their abilities. What
can I do about it?
A: There are several ways to proceed. First, you could do what ol'
Rudicus would do. March into your boss's office and say, "I think you are
a simple-minded fool who is constantly getting his fingers into everyone
else's business and undermining their abilities. Why don't you go dunk
your head in a latrine!" Second, you could begin getting your fingers into
his business and undermine his abilities. Or third, you could
kidnap him and have him surgically altered to be a cow and then he wouldn't
have any fingers to get into everyone else's business.
From A "Goat-Roper". (3/22/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, do you approve of the use of livestock in rodeos?
A: Certainly not! Don't you think rodeos would be more entertaining
if they used deadstock!
From Chocoholic. (3/22/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, where does chocolate milk come from and how is it made?
A: It comes from cartons and jugs in the dairy section of your local
supermarket. It is made by dropping Oreo cookies into jug of milk and shaking.
Yum!
From Somebody Who Forgot to Write Their Name. (3/22/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why is the sky blue?
A: Because it's not Red, or Yellow, or Green, or Purple, or Orange,
or Brown, or Black, or White, or Grey, or Pink, or Lavender, or Mauve,
or Tan, or ...
From Another Noname. (3/22/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you a boy or a girl?
A: No, I am a cow!
From The (fake?) Taco Bell Dog. (3/22/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is a loga rhythm?
A: It's music that is kind of like Mambo for mathematicians.
From A Rudiholic. (3/23/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my Husband says I am addicted to reading Ask Rudy; is
there a 12 step program you could recommend?
A: I am glad you are addicted to reading Ask Rudy. You are beginning
to make real progress! Keep it up and some day you my actually become like
me! I do have a 12 step program that will
help you in this regard.
From Shawn. (3/23/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if you could visit any place in the world, where would
you go?
A: Actually, I think the world should come to me!
