Click here to see Rudy's Advice from March!
Click here to see Rudy's Advice from April!
Click here to see Rudy's Advice from May!
Rudy was on sabbatical in June and July.
Note: Rudy is busy catching up on some of the mail he received while he was on sabbatical.
From A Slew of Angry Fans (various dates)
Q: Hey Rudy, Where the heck have you been!
A: I have been on sabbatical in the orient giving meditational instructions
at Zen monasteries. My brief disappearance was for this purpose only and
not
related in any way to certain unfounded rumors that I was arrested for
running a red light!
From Anonymous (6/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, does your promotion of pork products stem from an underlying
jealousy for Princess Porklet in your recent movie?
A: Of course not! Don't be ridiculous! It is true that I recently wrote
and produced a movie based on a novel by a certain French writer, but the
movie is true to the book and in no way reflects my unmitigated hatred
for those filthy disgusting pigs!
From Anonymous (6/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I just had to write and say that I loved your recent movie.
Will you be starring in any other movies in the future? I also think that
Princess Porklet was an absolute hit. She was so beautiful and her acting
by far out ranked any of the other performers. You just couldn't do a movie
without including her. Have you considered, The Princess and the Pea?
It could star Princess Porklet it would be wonderful. Please give it some
thought.
A: I might consider further producing and directing if the opportunity
arises. Right now, however, I am working on my fifteenth volume of haiku
poetry! By the way, you can click here for a transcript
of the movie!
From An Angry Mother (6/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I was reading The National Examiner yesterday and was
crushed to see that you had been arrested. Rudy I am so ashamed of you.
You were a roll model for my children and now you are in jail. If you don't
get your act together we just won't be able to associate with the likes
of a convicted cow. Get it together.
A: I deny any involvement in any crime. The supposed tapes of my arrest
for running a red light and destroying a banana delivery truck are forgeries!
And besides, it was the truck driver's fault, not mine!
From The Cat Keeper (6/19/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how do you keep one cat from killing another?
A: Encase them both in a block of clear polyurethane and put it on
your coffee table as a conversation piece.
From Chief of Security (6/25/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on their doors?
A: To keep the employees inside!
From Laughing (6/25/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her
nose?
A: In such a hypothetical situation, if the cow had been awake for
more that 36 hours and was suffering from jet-lag. And if the cow was drinking
milk while another cow told an especially humorous joke involving a monkey
and three pea-brained humans, then I suppose if is possible (albeit unlikely)
for a cow with an astute sense of humor to spit milk out of its nose. Why
do you ask?
From The Critic (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, please give us another example of your poetry?
A: Certainly, here is one of my recent haiku poems.
Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo
Moo-moo-moof Moo-moo-moo-moo
Moo-moo-moo-moof Moo
From The Critic (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, that was terrible! How about another?
A: Well, La-dee-da! Mr. literary critic! You obviously cannot read
or speak Bovine! I will give you something in English, OK?
Rudy is the most
Intelligent being in
The known universe
From Meow (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what sort of cat food is best for me? Also, cats are way
more important that cows. Purr....
A: Well, for a cat as smart and important as yourself, I would recommend
the following recipe: Take 3 large eggs and a slightly overripe cantaloupe.
Cut the cantaloupe into chunks and blend in the blender with the eggs (shells
included). Pour this mixture into a bowl along with 7 cups of whole wheat
flour, 3 cups of salt, and 1 heaping cup of laundry detergent. Mix well
and pour into a 9 by 12 inch baking pan. Sprinkle with bacon bits, mashed
raspberries and used motor oil. Bake at 400 degrees for 2 hours in an old
oven. Then open a can of tuna and toss that yucky baked mess in the garbage!
Only an idiot would eat that! Eat the tuna.
From The Alien (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I'm an alien. I'm an alien. Are you?
A: No, I have a brain.
From Purr (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what sort of cat litter should I use? Meow....
A: I think you should just wear diapers.
From Curious (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, is there anything more intelligent than a cow?
A: Yes, two cows.
From Fido (8/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are cows nice (except for you, of course)?
A: Cows are nice to each other and to other intelligent life forms.
We are very mean to stupid animals such as cats, dogs, pigs, and (most
importantly) pea-brained humans.
From The Fake Beach Boys (8/3/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, Here is a cute little song your readers would love. We
really did. Hope you enjoy it, too.
Cow Tipping!
by Eugene O'Neil
(to the tune of almost any real Beach Boys song)
It's after three o'clock so let's all skip our class and chug a beer!
(cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
and then once we're really smashed, we'll find a field about a mile
from here! (cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
cow tipping, let's tip a cow! (oh baby)
cow tipping, I'll show you how! (oh baby)
cow tipping, cow tipping every day!
We'll find ourselves a cow that's just standing there, fast asleep!
(cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
Then we'll knock it to the ground, I don't know any thrill that is
more cheap! (cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
cow tipping, it's such a treat! (oh baby)
cow tipping, it can't be beat! (oh baby)
cow tipping, cow tipping every day!
We hurt a cow the other day, but we don't feel a bit of grief (cow tipping!
cow cow tipping!)
because it's only fun and games we know they're only walking slabs
of beef! (cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
cow tipping, I love to play! (oh baby)
cow tipping, what can I say! (oh baby)
cow tipping, cow tipping every day!
Well you can really tell that we're a bunch of erudite collegiates (cow
tipping! cow cow tipping!)
when we can topple cattle to the foot of cow-heaven's pearly gates
(cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
cow tipping! that's what I said! (oh baby)
cow tipping! get it through your head (that I like)
Cow tipping, cow tipping every day!
My dad took out a second mortgage so that I could go to school (cow
tipping! cow cow tipping!)
I suppose when I flunk out that I will make him look like such a fool
(cow tipping! cow cow tipping!)
cow tipping, I just don't care! (oh baby)
cow tipping, I wanna be out there! (where I'll be)
cow tipping, cow tipping every day!
P.S. We found another really great link for you to add to Rudy Links. The Address is http://welcome.to/cowtipping.
A: I do not support cow tipping unless (as is rarely done) prior permission is received from the cow. I find this song offensive - cows are not merely "walking slabs of beef"! Humpf! The very idea! However, I do approve of the new sport called, Dummy Dumping, where cows break into your house late at night and dump you out of bed and onto the floor in your underwear! Woohee! What fun! At it's all safe clean fun because you humans are merely walking sponge-brains!
P.S. I might not approve of cow-tipping, but pig-tipping is A-Okay!
From Steak Lover and Just a Friend (8/16/98)
Q: Recently I had the most tender, juicy, tasty steak I have ever eaten.
It was delicious. Do you have any recommendations on how to get a steak
to taste so good? Any good recipes? Does it have to do with cow diet or
region in which the cow lives?
Recently I was at your house and had a wonderfully seasoned BEEF STEAK!!!
I was wondering if you could pass on the recipe to me and your readers?
Do you have any other Beef Steak recipes? I am always looking for ideas
on how to prepare cow meat. I also was intrigued by one young lad at the
dinner table, who repeatedly asked for his steak by name, saying "Mom,
please pass the Rudy!"
A: That was, "Please pass the Moodicus". Unfortunately the consumption
of cow meat is not illegal in this country. Sadly for me I am forced due
to circumstances beyond my control to live in the home of a family that
chooses to eat the flesh of cows. I have no idea how to choose good beef.
It is my understanding that the stupider the cow, the better it tastes.
Which would mean the good ol' Rudy is probably the worst kind of beef you
could find and not worth eating. So put that knife down!
From Who Knows! (8/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, If you're so smart con u read this?
A: No, I con not. Sorry.
From A. Weirdo (8/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy,why haven't you answered my questions?
A: Why haven't you asked any questions worth answering?
From Dumbo (8/16/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my feet hurt what can I do to make them stop hurting?
A: I think you should have your feet removed and replaced with a good
set of hooves. This will cut down on your clothing bill if you get a nice
durable set. Since hooves are made of the same subtance that fingernails
are made of, a good set will take lots of abuse with little or no pain.
Think about the amount of weight your average cow hoof supports, yet you
never hear a cow complaining of sore feet! If you're really smart you'll
have your hands replaced to and start walking on all fours. Good luck!
From Haroditus (10/30/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, Can you write an autobiography so I may write down and
finish my book, "The Bovines of Earth"?
P.S. I mensioned you 15 times in my book.
A: Yes, I can. But I want a small honorarium of $17,000,000.00 plus
expenses before I put quill to paper!
From Jeremiah Seaver (11/4/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I thought you might enjoy this litte song I found.
(to the tune of Deak The Halls)
Deck the stalls With oats and Barly
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
Tis the season for cow partys
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
Don we now our hay apparel
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
Trol the ancient bovine carol
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
Fill us full of hay and foderÊ
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
Lead us not into the slaughter
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
Say goodbye to earthly pastures
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo
We await the cattle rapture
Moo-oo moo-oo Moo-oo moo moo moo