"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise,"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife,"

"How could two people as beautiful you
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind,"

"I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married,
but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out,
but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened,
especially since you survived."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!"

"Congratulations on getting Married!
It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly,"

"Just remember...
Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're an idiot.!!!"

"We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here."

"If you ever need a friend,
buy a dog."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often,"

"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you.
And miss you very much."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas,W.Va., GA)