I’d Call This Poem Shot To Hell But She Was Already There
By Lia!
I
The face behind the glass is both beautiful and loathsome
In smashing the glass my hands are bloodied
I remember Nusya Campbell
II
When I was a child I had a dream
That an alien with Anubis-like dog head
Dressed in silver lame with a saturn on his chest
Came to my window and asked me to go with him
He said I was one of Them
III
I remember Nusya Campbell
Lying on a hospital bed so whacked out on morphine
She didn’t know who I was
So far away that I was unrecognisable
IV
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
The alien god said I was one of them and I flew through a universe of my own creation – so high that reality was unrecognisable
But I could still see it in the periphery of my sight
it loomed – foreboding – then leapt at me in violent intrusion and I plummeted violently earthward – crashed with such spiritual brutality I bled and writhed in mortal anguish – oh this must be death – this MUST be death – I wanted it so desperately but death would not have me so I had to plod through their world a bloodied wreck waiting for another moment of flight
V
I am not psychotic.
It’s unfortunate, really – I would like to be completely mad – schizoid delusional catatonic – something like that – so lost in my own madness that reality was unrecognisable
There reality could not intrude
I could believe my dreams WERE real
And live safely in a world where no none could reach me
No one could touch me
No one could hurt me
There I could be without pain
VI
I remember Nusya Campbell
Whacked out on morphine on a hospital bed in Halifax
So far away that all was unrecognisable
Suddenly
In a moment of lucidity
She looks up at me
Are you jealous? she asks
Yes
Yes I am
VII
When I was a child I was a victim
I was assaulted by normality
Those without eccentricity despise deviation
I was a victim of rocks and names and snowballs and spit and every other kind of shit they could throw at me
They could not tolerate my existence
I was not like them
VIII
I remember the day Nusya Campbell was shot on the Dalhousie campus
I remember the police cars around the English department
I remember talking to Reina in the office
Then Dana came in and told us
I could not stop crying
Reina said to calm down
It was simply a fact of contemporary civilization
IX
Nusya’s roommate beat her up
Smacked the shit out of her while she was in bed
Screaming something vague about her cat
Nusya called the police but they wouldn’t let her press charges
They just laughed at her because she had a shaved head
X
On the news I heard about a boy in Sidney who was beaten within an inch of his life by his classmates because he was introverted and liked computers
He pressed charges against the kids who beat him
He was found two days later beaten to death
XI
Lisa Cora shot Nusya Campbell
Lisa was perfectly normal (except for a touch of paranoid schizophrenia – but what significance could that hold when her hair was so neatly trimmed?)
Society had to be purged of this Nusya Campbell – she was a pestilence – a freak who would bring about the downfall of civilization if she wasn’t stopped – annihilated – executed – erased from the template of our modern world
Lisa Cora could not tolerate Nusya’s existence
So she stole her boyfriend’s gun
XII
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye. . .
The alien god spoke to me – I was offered a place in a world where They have no dominion
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
It has gone the way of all dreams – reality intrudes and she who soars plummets violently earthward
The child is grown
The dream is gone
Anubis guides the souls of the dead to their final resting place
And I have become comfortably numb
XIII
Lisa Cora put the gun in a guitar case and followed Nusya to the campus
Stalked her like some mobster in a bad movie
She shouted Nusya’s name
She fired twice
Nusya Campbell fell
XIV
Psychotically normal
The mental hospital wouldn’t commit HER
XV
I remember Nusya Campbell
In a hospital bed doped up on morphine
With a huge bullet wound in her right arm
And a catheter shoved inside of her
Still undefeated
She told the nurses she was a vegetarian
And all they brought her to eat was Jell-o
(Jell-o comes from boiled pig bones)
Nusya threw the dish across the room
And they threatened to have HER committed
XVI
The day after Nusya Campbell was shot I tried to kill myself
I dropped out of grad school soon after that using depression as an excuse but Nusya Campbell didn’t drop out even though she was shot
And I remember Nusya Campbell
Whacked out on morphine so far away that I was unrecognisable with a huge bullet wound in her arm and a catheter shoved inside of her and still undefeated
Suddenly
In a moment of lucidity
She looks up at me
Are you jealous? she asks
Yes
Yes I am
XVII
Nusya Campbell was wise and to the point
I remember talking to her in the English department lounge and crying and telling her I felt worthless and wanted to die
Her reply was only this:
If you’re going to off it
Don’t off it over low self esteem
Off it because life sucks
That’s all
