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I have a cold. It's attacked my throat and made it all swollen and the back of my tongue and yes icky pleghm and fever so much fever and my eyes won't open all the way coz they're tired and I feel like poo and I just want to pull the blanket over my head and not dream.
I'm sad about things. I miss people. Yesterday I talked to my mom on the phone (It was about money and I sounded like a bitch so now I have to feel bad about that too) and she told me that my granny is getting really really senile.. she's talking about how she wants to go home to her mother and father.. she can barely walk and I don't know. I never imagined I wouldn't be there when it came to this. I don't know.
I've e-mailed Maria a few times, but she hasn't replied in almost two months, so there's another reason I feel blubby. I keep wondering how things will be. Will I go home and be miserably out of place next summer? Will I want to stay and not come back to America? Who will I know when I go back? I don't know. I guess I brought this out of place thing on myself. I'll try not to think so much about it. I wish Maria'd mail me.
Jessica's friend Kate began her trip to Sweden today. We went to her house yesterday to say goodbye and I don't know. I saw her be so excited about going to Sweden, going to Stockholm, feeling like she was accomplishing something, just so happy and excited. I remember being that way about America... I was jumping around screaming when things came through for me and I could come here. I wanted to go to America for most of my growing up, and yes, I've had it really good here, but I keep wondering if it's going to lead to something good in the future.
In a way, I'm settling myself into another country, and I'm afraid that that means I will never be able to fully go back. Yet I miss Sweden. It comes and goes in waves, this longing to be home in Sweden, among things and places and words I know, but it always brings a sadness with it.
When I was back last summer, I saw how empty my life there is getting, because I lost touch with the few people I know there by being gone for 5 months, and the 3 months I was back was spent with the constant knowledge that I would be leaving again. It really is hard to do things "for the last time". I'll go crazy sometimes just missing my cats, or the smell of my grandmother's pancakes, or the way cobblestone roads can feel to walk on. I feel stupid and uncertain about everything. I feel out of place here and out of place at home, and I always have that generic longing for the other place when I'm not there.
What the hell AM I doing? I have absolutely no plan of my future. None. I don't care how many tell me that "I'm 40 and I still don't know what I want to do; things have a way of working themselves out," I have NO FUCKING IDEA what I want to do, and it is really, really stressful. I've never had a job. The few semi-job's I've had always made me feel like I was playing a role. "I'm working, heh heh heh!" Everybody are so convinced that me being here will surely be of use in my future, and yeah, I'm sure it will be, but how do you take those first steps onto something else? When will I get to sit and reminisce "Yeah my years in America were really something, and brought me here..." without feeling like I AM wasting a LOT of money for no visable reason than me wanting to "I think"?
I guess it doesn't help that the only people I know are so good at these.. things. Maybe I should seek out some nitwits and stop feeling so small and stupid among people who are really smart and talented? I know hanging out with people slightly above your level is supposed to help you rise up too, but um, how come Oprah never mentioned the part where you feel like a loser because you can't measure up and feel like you are helping them rise up too?
I think I need some icecream.
In 1999 I promise to (ongoing list):
- Eat More Icecream.
- Stay a vegetarian.
- Not get into politics.
- Sort of apply myself school-wise.
- Not talk so much because people don't like it.
- Keep my vocal level lower - I'm sick of people wincing and covering their ears demonstratively when I accidently let out a high pitched squeak for whatever reason.
- Hold unreasonable wishes for the future.
- Accidently offend.
- Tell my mother I love her.
- Find more blue edible things.
- Find the ultimate toothpaste.
- Sing along to really bad songs I dislike just because.
- STAY THE FUCK SINGLE.
- Find new exciting items with glitter and sparkles on them, (current project: to buy the red sequin covered bra at Wal-Mart)
- Show off my bad sides a bit more so people stop seeing me as some beanieheaded nitwitt who giggles a bit too much.
- Be even more appreciative of my friends.
- Get even less famous.
- Buy new band-aid's with animals on them.
- Log off more.
- Make very little sense.
- Strive even less for money.
- Still want to name a future child (very, very distant future) Ripley.
- Stop denying that am an encyclopedia when it comes to Party of Five, Felicity and Dawson's Creek.
- Watch more movies.
- Handle money better (must get more CDs, and CheezeWiz, and Glitter, food, food, food)
- Not take up smoking (considering my phobia of matches, ligthers and cigarrettes, that shouldn't be a problem, but you never know.)
- Not scrape off bread mold and eat it, hoping to meet Santa in another dimension.
- Think such evil thoughts about people I don't know. I'll just wait till I get to know them.
- Not lose any weight - need bigger butt!!!!
- Finish transferring diary/things to jennie.simplenet.com
- Not spend hours and hours on the Pj site when there's nothing urgent that needs to be done.
- Get drunk off of Apple Cider.
- Come home and hug my family.
- Not tell anybody that Jessica Giggles in real life.
- Eat more Caesar salads.
- Not buy any Jewel, Celine Dion OR Mariah Carey CDs.
- Still believe in Santa.
- Get more Tori/PJ bootlegs.
- Buy at least 7 different clothes items that can not just be underwear, bra's, socks, scarves or $8 shoes.
- Miss my Cats.
- Still obsess over celebrities.
- Not join any new cults.
- Still like spaghetti with Heinz ketchup and Danish Blue Cheese.
- Not get stalked.
- MAKE AZIZA CHOCOLATE MUFFINS!!!!
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