*disclaimer:The material on this page belongs to NBC. Okay? I'm just a fan yadda yadda, so..this is for pure non-commercial entertainment/research value only. Or something like that. Yey. :) |
The list:"Conan O'Brien's book about his own sexual escapades will be banned by school boards not for explicite descriptions of sex, but for inaccurate descriptions of sex." "Years of sophisticated testing will prove that the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress is actually mustard. Mustard from the head of Bill Clinton's penis." "For security reasons, the government will declare it illegal to say numbers out loud. And the singing of numbers will be punishable by death." "A new state will be added to the American flag, representing the 51st state. That state's name? Rock n Roll!" "The lamb shall lie down with the lion. The lion shall lie down with lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action." "Marlon Brando will go on on a crash diet and lose 235 pounds, thereby earning himself the nickname 'Fatass.'" "Gillette develops its sharpest razor yet. The first blade shaves your beard, while the second blade shaves your other beard." "A dolphin trainer at Sea World will shock the audience by getting down on one knee and asking his dolphin to marry him. The dolphin will say no, not because the man is human, but because he's not Jewish." "During his last days in office, while enjoying a hamburger President Clinton accidentally eats his own hand. Moments later, he eats his other hand. Only this time... it was no accident." "Pornography finally gets accepted into the mainstream when the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to Long Dong Hanks." "Thanks to new telephone technology, call waiting will no longer involve hearing a little click, but rather, feeling a little tongue." "New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's Eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks." "Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'" "The presidential campaign turns into a runaway with the emergence of a dynamic and energetic new candidate: Bob Dole's penis." "Computers will finally be able to simulate human feelings. Unfortunately, the only one they choose to act on is 'horny.'" "It will take birds a full day to eat and digest their meals when worms begin taking Viagra!" "Pigs will convert to Orthodox Judaism but, shockingly, will begin eating pork." "The Jerry Springer Hotel Porno tape is finally released, and the public learns a horrible truth: Jerry can only climax while being hit over the head with a chair." "After too many years of non-stop rampages El Nino decides to check himself into the Betty Ford Clinic. Three months later, he emerges as the eleventh husband of Elizabeth Taylor." "A bitter Richard Gere will turn his back on Buddhism after his former friend, the Dali Lama beats him out for the lead in American Gigolo 2." "God will schedule a press conference to announce the firing of Jesus and the hiring of Jet's coach Bill Parcell." "After a combined 134 years in broadcasting Mike Wallace, Morely Safer and Andy Rooney will finally leave 60 Minutes - to join the Rolling Stones." "Television talk shows will become so hilarious that people stop watching them for fear of literally dying of laughter. At least, that's the excuse I'm planning for piss-poor ratings." "America realises that Jenny McCarthy is more than a big-breasted blonde with goofy facial expressions and finally begins to appreciate her dynamite ass." "The Mir space station will finally crash to earth, but not before completing it's most important experiment, to see how long it takes for a big hunk of Russian made crap to fall out of the sky." "A desperate, sex-starved Monica Lewinsky will be spotted licking rocks at the base of Mount Rushmore." "To simplify police work, a new federal law will require all know sex offenders to change their name to Kennedy." "A retired President Clinton will write his memoirs and be sued for plagiarism by Wilt Chamberlain." "The public demand that the NBA expand to a 52 week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make lame movies." "China's overpopulation problem will reach new levels when people discover what an exceptionally pleasurable lubricant duck sauce is." "The world is rocked when Colonel Sander's secret recipe is discovered to be; one part salt, one part sage and the gayest chicken that money can buy." " An even more shocking home videotape of Pamela and Tommy Lee will come out. This one featuring the two of them adding and subtracting." "Jerry Seinfeld will leave television for a career in movies, forcing NBC to change their Thursday night slogan from 'Must See TV' to just another night of crap!" "The Spice Girls will once again be famous when MTV's The Real World decides to focus on five middle aged, out of work skanky hags." "Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big breasted nympho chearleaders' and replaces it with 'big breasted nympho ecconomists.'" "Iraq will become the most powerful nation in the world thanks to their new leader, coach Bill Parcell." "An elderly President Clinton will become so stooped and bent that no one will be able to tell him apart from his penis." "The federal deficit will finally be wiped out when the US government begins betting against the New York Jets." "Dr. Jack Kevorkian will die and go to heaven. The next day seven angels will be found dead in the back of God's van." "The Pope will shock the world when he abruptly changes faith, declaring, 'I'm a Zeus man now.'" "Burt Reynolds will be taken in for questioning by NASA when it's discovered that the hole in the ozone directly corresponds to the size of his toupee." "New evidence of OJ's guilt emerges when records show that on the day before the crime he applied at Los Angeles County Court for a murder license." "The world is stunned to finally learn the identity of the real father of Michael Jackson's child; Richard Simmons. "
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"Man will devolve back into apes, while apes will evolve into man. Women will
not be affected." "The planets Jupiter, Mars and Neptune will suddenly stop spinning when they realise they can get just as strong a head rush sniffing glue." "Women will give birth in their eighties, thanks to an amazing new drug that makes labor last for over sixty years." "Movo introduces it's safest automobile yet. Upon impact, Anna Nicole Smith springs up from underneath the dashboard, pushes her breasts in your face and squeals, 'I love you daddy.'" "Zoologists will finally figure out why pandas in captivity refuse to mate. They're holding out for a three-way." "A new monument in Washington is dedicated to former President Clinton. It will be identical to the Washington Monument, except for one striking difference, an unusual bend in the middle." "The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life." "The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to quote 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'" "Mormons will decide that their religion is too strict and will begin drinking coffee, the occasional beer and the blood of the elderly." "Space aliens will come to earth intending to deliver a message of universal peace and wisdom. Unfortunately they land on the stage at Def Comedy Jam and end up only telling jokes about how big their women's booties are." "Believers in extraterrestrials will be devestated when strange, high frequency signals from outer space turn out to be coming from John Glenn's Medic Alert bracelet." "Scientists will discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion. It doesn't like Scottish people." "The Postman Part II will be released. It will be an award-winning documentary about Kevin Costner's current job as a low-paid guy who sorts mail." "God at last reveals himself to humans, who are shocked and appalled by his really bad comb-over." "In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonalds will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets." "The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice." "Superstrong fertility drugs will again cause Bobbi McCoy to give birth to seven babies. Only this time four of them will be pregnant." "Oprah Winfrey will again take on the Texas Cattle industry, this time defeating forty of their biggest steers in an exciting month-lng 'graze-off'." "Children will being growing up so fast that the nursery rhyme 'One two, buckle my shoe,' will be replaced by the more realistic 'one two, damnit I'm pregnant." "After millions of years of stability the food chain will suddenly reverse. Zebras will hunt down lions, Pop Tarts will hunt down man." "In a final desperate attempt to repair it's image, Texaco announces it's new board of directors. The cast of 'Moesha.'" "An aging and senile ex-President Clinton will legally change his name to 'Bubba Wanna Burger Chief Booty Knocker'." "As a result of his abduction and disappearance John Tesh will be known as the missing, missing link." "Magician David Copperfield will finally reveal how he does his amazing tricks; He's Jesus." "Computers will develop personalities, but John Tesh will stay the same." "With every conceivable name being exhausted, all hurricanes will be called That Filthy Wet Son of a Bitch!" "Teenagers will really alienate themselves with their latest trend, leprosy!" "Kato Kaelin, John Wayne Bobbitt and Joey Buttafuoco will launch a new theme restaurant: Planet Dumb-Ass!" "In a controversial cost-cutting measure, Olympic snowboarders will be awarded medals in bronze, silver and hemp." "At the supermarket, the bag boy will ask you, 'Paper, plastic, or fur?'" "At the Miss America Pageant, viewers will vote to keep the "Faking an Orgasm" competition." "Bob Dole will resign the presidency after recording his hit single, 'That Bitch One Nasty Ho!'" "When things go very wrong, it will be a medley of peas and carrots that will hit the fan." "Michael Jackson will appear at the MTV Music Awards with no skin whatsoever - a new height for cosmetic Surgery." "Jesus will return to earth, supposedly to help us begin a new era of peace and spiritual awakening. In reality however, he'll spend most of his time golfing with Vernon Jordan." "Shapiro and Cochran will lose to Clark and Darden - in 'Wrestle Mania 20'."
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