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ask kaj™! if you're having a problem in your love life, write me kaj™ got her first two love advice letters! truly exciting. read on to see how she helped this poor love-sick kids...: ok, so I know this person. I really enjoy spending time with her, she seems to just really get along with me and always able to tell me what I never though of but should have. I think she may be interested in me, and I'm interested in her, too. The only thing is that I am a corpse... It's so embarassing! We'll be talking and she is holding my hand, stroking it, and then she'll accidentally pull off my fingernail! Ah well, love in the nineties I guess. Plus, we have diffent opinions about the proper place of squirrels in the bedroom, and I can see how that might lead to difficulties in the future (I am sure that you can understand). Do you think we can work through these problems? Sometimes things are great, like when she vomited black tar all over me last night, but other times I'm not sure, like when says stuff like "I have to go to the bathroom". She may as well rip my heart out. So anyway, it's quite an emotional roller coaster, and I would really appreciate it if you could help me out. Thanx, worried and waiting. dear worried and waiting~ i understand how difficult it can be to try to get close when you reek of rotting flesh, but if she really likes you, too, i'm sure she can find a way to get used to it. have you considered fully submerging yourself in fermaldehyde? i heard that this can help corpses stay fresh longer...it's worth a try, anyhow! i have heard of relationships with corpses working out before; (take my grandparents for example...). the fact that she was stroking your hand in the first place is a very good sign; but it would be true and undeniable love if she ever happened to take a good sized bite out of it! the squirrel thing, however, geez....that's a toughie! it's very difficult to work through such differences, as people tend to be very adament in what should go where in the bedroom; you just get brought up a certain way, and it can be very difficult to change ideas, or even accept other's opinions...my advice to you here would be to tell her, flat out, that you need to keep your traditions, and if she has a big problem with that, i think it would be in your best interest to kill her. and my last piece of advice to you...if she ever says that she has to go to the bathroom again, let her go, but you really should go with her. watch her every move, and if she shows any signs of enjoying herself, i suggest handing her a large jar of preserves. that should keep her from doing that again, and it will make you feel better, too ;o) just remember how important it is that you show her how much you care by giving her something to remember you by...a piece of intestine (small, not large!) would be thoughtful and personal, but not too expensive! good luck, w&w! if things were meant to be, it will happen, i promise! ~kaj™ kaj™~ K... Let's see how ya handle this one...... I'm an old fashioned kind a guy........ Ya know..... The one that opens doors..... Stands when a lady comes to a table........ Holds chairs....all that kind of stuff........ Ladies First especially........Especially in the bedroom department........ Anyway.....I meet this gal.... She's an exotic Dancer at a "Gentleman's Club"...... We hit it off pretty good and go out to breakfast after work a couple of times which leads up to the first "Real Date"...... I take her to a classy restraunt.... out for drinks and dancing... then back to her place........ I had a lot to drink and needed to use her bathroom and when I come out she's all dolled up in this sexy white negligee........... laying back on the couch ....calling to me...... Now....... these are the 90's...... With Aids and everything a guy has got to be careful...... I say....... "Honey...... Cool your jets........ This is too fast........Ain't nuttin happenen here tonight... I don't know ya that well....... But if ya want I'll tie ya up and and j*** off on yer t***........ (safe sex)........." She got all offended and threw me out........ What should I do?...... Do I call again?......... ~unsigned dear unsigned~ hmmm...this is quite a dilema. i must admit that i if were the girl, i would have most likely kicked you out, too! you should know by now that if a chick is "all dolled up" and beckoning, it means that she wants your money, not kinky sex! you big dufus... so next time this happens, make sure you bring your wallet, and make sure it's fully of bills (larger ones, preferably!). when she beckons, throw her the money and then just go ahead and leave (you might as well do it yourself, she's going to get tired of you soon, anyway! it will save her the trouble of getting the restraining order, etc.) as for calling her again, don't bother. she's already figured out how stupid you are, and she's not going to want you back. by now she probably has some huge and hairy boyfriend who would come over and kick your ass at her command if you bothered her. but good luck on future endeavors! ~kaj™~ if you're having a problem in your love life,
write me
about it! i'll help ya....i know all about this love business...heh heeehh heheh heeehhe | ||||||