suspect
Someone sleeps in the other room. It irks me, vaguely, that I cannot sleep where I'd like to; and that I cannot live in a warm place where no one will clutch at me. This morning - in the car - he said that if he had a place, I would be OK, and I wonder if that would be true, me, having to live with a love affair that won't die, and those side-long looks, and that girl he has sex with but refuses to admit he's dating (who is also a very obnoxious drunk).
I'm twelve, you know. Or I might as well be when there are signs saying no one under 21 allowed after midnight and I just hope they don't check my ID.
Stars. I'm in love. There is nothing better than to be in love...
she said.
...with yourself
I added.
Nathan, love me, as I know you do, and love me from afar. Keep me close and closer, on the inside, purely internal, with those scraps thrown bowling (she flipped you off, as if that would curb whatever eternal ties we have. who is she? where did you find her? does she know about me? how old is she? and how can i compete?).
Sex, Nathan. You sleep with her. You refuse to sleep with me, as if that chastity -forced- is a gift. It is. I am special, because you keep me that far.
I remember speaking to you, once, all night, and as the sun rose you told me about a room filled with candles, and in the center a bed with white tafetta and lace hanging in strands. I always imagine us having sex there, when the image or thought comes to mind, and it is (almost) almost involuntary. Beautiful, a house, building a house, half-built house, and the masterbedroom on the second story, with the wrap around balcony, that room, with the candles, and the sawdust, and the bed. Nathan, I am in love. I am in love...
with myself, there is nothing better.
Read this, find it, find me, touch me through these wire feelers.
At times I feel so lost. I know taht I will be found, but there is a large sea of seemingly pointless boerdom and disappointment. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is boerdom.
Rob says that I am a handful, and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't put up with half the things he does. Does put up with.
I am a handful, I state here, now, proudly and freely. There will never be a dull moment for me, and the man I am going to marry will keep me interested and on my toes for all eternity. He will have the wit and clverness of Tyler Bishop's player. He will have the arrogance and logic of Rob. He will have the sex drive of Mattolamew. And he will have the allusive depth of passion which Nathan carries internally.
I am in love. With myself. And there is nothing better, for now, until I find who I am looking for. Beauty often finds me in the most unlikely of places.
For Laura, I sign off.
Yours-
-Marie
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