thoughts of the day

50th Thought Special!

...............

Thursday
2/22/99

today's thought of the day, my 50th thought of the day, is dedicated to:

Katie and Wyatt as KatieN'Wyatt
Emily, who I am still deeply and utterly in love with, whether she likes to believe me or not
My Goddess, of course
My Angel
Josh, whom I am sure most of today's ramblings will be about
Dan, as Daniel
Tim
Robert, whom I hope will find himself and BE HAPPY!!! one day
Kyle

and

Brad.

RAMBLINGS:

this is everything. this will be my heart and soul. i will write until i can type no longer or until i run out of things to say, for the first time in my life.
:::big breath::::
Daniel, i have never been so happy to bleed. but then i think about your verse, the beautiful lines you use on me all the time, and my intelligence (my arrogance as well) and i wonder what a cross breed would have been like. like two species crossed. two different sides of the moon. sometimes i think i am so dark and so lonely, but i can't even begin to comprehend how shallow your depth is. pitch black.
Daniel, fight with me in bed. claw me to pieces. i want your blood under my nails, i want your flesh in between my jaws, i want you to snarl at me and let me attack you. i want someone to fight back, i want you to fight back. your girlfriend with her great kids, you'll be a great father but not yet.
And then i go back to thinking of a little boy inside my belly and i could have sworn a week and a half was too long to be late. imagination has its way with me all too often, but i swear i could feel a little boy and his poetry and his poetry and his brain forming in my womb.
Nathan, i heard you were at poetry nite. just thinking of you again, and i called and you are moved out, just thinking of you and wondering and wishing and needing and wanting to carve out these old scars on my leg. deep deep deep scars. so deep, so hard, so painful. burning wax, dull blades, rusty nails, rusty hands, dirty dirty fingers.
Nathan, i want to carve out everything that makes me woman. my ovaries on a spoon. you brought me out of my butch shell and for that i hate you and i love you and i keep thinking of the things you've said and that song i wrote for you.
Nathan, i keep thinking of the sex! why wouldn't you sleep with me? didn't i ask you at one point? i thought i did, i thought i did! what about that time in the car... i don't understand. that was so dirty to me. it was something so trivial and typical of boys and somehow i thought you were above petty physical affection... i thought... your labedo didn't get in the way... and i have the strangest urge to cross my legs as i write... i'm tierd of confessing, but nathan, you drive me on.
Robet, ye who's hatred for his lowest female is still higher than the love for his best male friend. to you, robert, i only wish happiness. don't kill yourself, you coward.
Emily, i love you. i confess i confess as i type this and you talk to me about the weather through ims... oh, emily i wish that i could explain myself to you. i wish that i could be that cold goth boy you want. i want to know why i want you so much. i want to know why. if we ever met, you'd overpower me. i will not be anyone's bitch. and i know you don't want that. but i don't care anymore, i just want to lay you down and eat you up.
Amber, i love you. i am sorry about jo-jo. i am so sorry. be happy. eat something. i love you. you are my rock in the fire. i love you.
Shannon. shannon. shannon shannon shannon shannon shannonshannonshannon...
i still cannot tell you who i am. i still cannot confess, though you will put it together late one nite. please don't fall for me.
Josh, you said that i would look good in a sleek black dress in paris drinking champagne at a party. i asked you to take me there and you laughed and said "someday". i went jogging in the snow in reno, and rode the elevator back up with a drunken couple. they were fucking down the hall and i thought of you. your mane of old blonde hair... i miss it and your 11th, 7th bar blues man. your poetry scares me and enthralls me all at once. i am frightened. i shiver over you. i think about holding you. i want to kiss your cheek.
Josh, it's amazing because you are more afraid than i am and you don't have to do anything at all. i wish you only the best of verse in your meanderings.
Josh, i'm begging, speak to me in your southern accent. i want to know who you really are, not the asshole you strain to be on stage. please.
Kyle, i don't know you anymore. i miss your poetry. your site looks great.

and

Brad, you are my everything. i am not afraid, any longer. i am too deep. i wish that lindy would listen to you. i wish that my goddess wouldn't try to fool me into it. but i will fall for you.
so much time i have waited for you.

GOD BLESS:
aaron, al, amber, beagley, bethany, brad, brandon, carli, carmen, chuck, cindy, collin, dani, daniel, emily, eric, fritz, jason, jeff, jeff, jenny, jodie, josh, katie, kevin, kitterman, kunzer, kyle, kyle, lauren, lilith, lindy, melody, micha, mike, monte, mystique, nathan, pat, robert, sam, shannon, shawn, tim, triston, wyatt
and anyone i may have forgotten

- fallen

previous thoughts of the day

Hands
Role Reversal... by Emily
The Collective Mind
Primal... by Elkantar
Brad #11
Crush
Thought of My Day... by Elkantar
excerpts from my dissertation on life
Knee-high, Leather, 6 inch Heels
Jesus
I'm doubting everything lately... rohandor
Pride noiraranea
"I am woman" dollpini
the Dream Train
excerpts
I Do Not Want This... by Trent
There once was a little girl... 2 (y'all better read this one...)
Everything
Thank You
Wrestling Woman Inards
School and Psychoanalysis...
Vengeance!!!
Brandon
listening to Bush and feeling sassy...
There once was a little girl.... 1
I want to believe
Timing by rohandor
...for you have left your first love.
On Love
the Mystical, Magical Land of Algebra2
Something Wicked This Way Comes
What does one do?
Cold Sweat Nightmares
Hate Me
Personal Inventory by Dollphini
First Contact, with Kyle
:::whispers::: Lime-Green Elephant
"They say that sex between two people who really hate each other..."
Boys are Yucky
What happens if we all fall down?
Vegas
BluesMan84
Politics and Wealth
The Nature of God
The Nature of Man
Beauty
Only the Good Die Young by Dollphini
Ode to Shawn

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