thoughts of the day

Letters

...............

Sunday
3/99

letters

Subj: Re: Your Love@AOL Personal - A Response
Date: 99-02-13 13:02:47 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: GriFFen420

what? why? i suppse i will tell you that i have short curly hair adn green eyes. is that enough? i'm too athletic to be attractive. too butch looking. i went through that period at one point in my life. if i wear makeup and show a little cleavage, i look rather effeminate, though. i have a pic. i don't know if i want to send it to you. send me a better photo of you, first. then maybe i'll consider it. if you're too cute, though, you can forget it.
-fallen

Subj: Re: ...
Date: 99-02-13 12:35:30 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: FxyGny

no, this is not a test. no, i'm not writing a paper for school. yes, you're very right. i see hundreds of females every weekday at school and some of them are forced to interact with me through various school projects and functions. that doesn't mean they'll date me, or even look at me twice. but you're right, i see them. i have honestly always wondered about this., about getting out into the world and not ever meeting anyone. i wouldn't mind, as long as i had my own activities to tend to. i've never really had any kind of steady girlfriend. perhaps my opinions are slanted because of this. i don't know. i have never understood the constant urge of people to attatch themselves to other people, besides that tingling in ouir loins to procreate, and that can be easily surpressed. i don't understand. no, you didn't answer my question. i don't understand why you are looking for someone. do you not think fate will take care of you?
-fallen

Subj: Re: ...
Date: 99-02-13 17:54:38 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: FxyGny

i don't think that i am troubled at all... and no, i was not lucky enough to have been raised with a religion. i am a "seeker," currently. i have read the bible, if that means anything to you. i have read the book of mormon, various works on buddha and ghandi's thoughts on it all, i have even looked into what you would know as "devil worshipping". i have found nothing that i believe, yet. i talk to god, but i don't know if he listens very often. even my screen name has biblical references.

i do believe you have taken most of my last letter the wrong way. i am fairly content with my life. i am the only person i will ever be able to rely on being there for me. others come and go, die away, get mad and leave, but i will always be left with my reflection and my shadow. they comfort me. my writing comforts me. my school work, my private research, even my search for god, i can throw myself into and be content with my thoughts. people leave. thoughts are mine forever. i can share them, though. and with all of my going on about not needing anyone, i write to you now from my dearest friend's house. yes, i am a hypocrite. but if she were ever to leave me, which she has before, and ultimately come back when she realized i wouldn't chase after her, i would be fine alone. i haven't had a romantic interaction in a long time. and i am fine with it.

my life isn't lonely. i don't think i'm disturbed, and neither does my psychiatrist, no matter what my parents used to say about me. i am not angry at the world. i am angry with no one in particular out there in the world. i am angry at the horrors of the human mind and the crimes they can comit. of course, here i really should have nothing to say. i am young. i suppose you have seen more unspeakable crimes against humanity by humanity itself. i don't know. i think i've lost my topic, by now, and this letter is getting long.

i wonder how you'll respond to this. you address me "dear poet". i find that startling somehow... impersonal, but to the core of my heart. sometimes i amaze myself with the garbage i concoct. i'm so trivial, so stereotypical sometimes.

please excuse this letter.

-fallen

Subj: Re: Your Love@AOL Personal - A Response
Date: 99-02-13 21:56:22 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: A1STA

i'm a trip? gee, thanks...
i have never heard of the above band... is the band name "coil" and the album "toad the wet sproket" or the other way around? hum... in the way of alternative music, which i assume it is (toad the wet sproket?), i don't get around much... i listen to alot of jazz and classic rock. like floyd. i'm such a dork... oh well... where are you going? and who with? you have run off and left me very little to write from. i'm glad you enjoy talking with me, though. at least someone does.
i think i'll ramble for a while...
my goddess and i went out today... we drove for two hours to find a certain store she wanted to see, but it doesn't allow people under 18 and she will be 18 in about a month... we were perturbed, to say the least, but there was a very neat nick-nack store called "lila's collectibles" next door, and next door to that was a baskin robin's. i was amused... i had coffee ice cream, and my goddess had winter chocolate. it was rather tasty. later we went shopping for her mother. it took us an hour and a half! the cart was over-flowing! i had to push it, of course... and when we checked out, it cost over 200 dollars and the bag boys did a shitty job because they were too busy attempting (rather pathetically) to hit on my goddess and i, even though she is a lesbian and i'm mean to boys. i cursed at them and made them push the two carts with the badly bagged groceries to her car. "courtesy" clerks, my tush! reminds me of a movie plot i once thought about... picture your typical old lady. white hair, smells like garlic and cookie dough, wearing an old-lady dress... they go into stores and get the "courtesy" clerks to push their carts out to their cars, where they make them load all of the groceries into the trunk, then drug them and throw them in the backseat and take them back to granny central where they have all of the courtesy clerks that they have collected over the years in a basement. there are a few really old men, still wearing their red vest and name tags, that were kidnapped about 60 years ago. the humor really kicks in when the grandmas force their hostages to fight for the food because pension and medicare is so cheap these days...
that's about enough rambling for today. hope you have a little more to write about next time.
-fallen

Subj: Re: well ummm
Date: 99-02-17 01:31:25 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: goldenothing@hotmail.com

you always sound like you are drunk when you write to me. are you? that would be poetic justice.

my past... i prefer to keep there. i will talk about tonite.

tonite, tuesday, at copioh, poetry nite. dan and i had a huge fight in front of everyone. i am about a week late, and that fact obviously disturbed him. ha ha... send the asshole to jail... no, i would never do that. age means nothing to me. but he was disturbed and began to yell at me. in front of everyone. i got very mad. the first time i have been honestly very mad in quite a while. it was frightening. i hate violence, and i wanted to hit him. but first, i thought he would hit me. and in a way, i wanted it. i wanted him to hit me in front of everyone. he would be on the ground in about 30 seconds. josh weighs 265 lbs, now. he told me. it's not so bad, he's 6'3. but what's it matter? i don't care. i need to bleed! an embryo growing inside of me? hum. i don't want to talk about that, anymore. makes me feel cheap. he was the first boy i had ever had sex with on a whim. the first boy i had ever fucked in quite a long time. perhaps that is why i am so late. or because i am stressing about it. or because i don't sleep or eat anymore. maybe i'm just dying and it doesn't matter if i'm pregnant or not. i hate that word. i won't ever use it again. i am contemplating going back and deleting it. but i won't. that's depressing. ignore it.
tell your friend i am glad he is getting better. i hope the trial goes well.
i am too drained to write any further. my head hurts and i'm lonely. it doesn't matter anymore. let it all go...
sorry for such dark news. i'll be better next time.
-fallen

Subj: Re: hullo...
Date: 99-02-17 22:24:43 EST From: UrielsPoet
To: Franky099

hullo... thank you much for the pic. i like it better than the others.

well, we seem to have gotten over the "get to know me" questions and all that jazz, so i will introduce some completely new topics of discussion. actually, i think i will use this letter as my sort of journal entry. i left my journal in a friend's car, took it to poetry nite to read out of, and am consequently searching for an outlet for my frustrations. i can accumulate quite a bit of angst in one day, you know...
to begin, i am reading moby dick. i hate to admit it, but i have never read it before. i love melville's poetry, though. i figured i should read it. went through the first three chapters very quickly. i like it, so far, though others find it slow. have you ever read it? secondly, i have much to say about the events which took place yesterday. it was poetry nite, of course, and i had a very poor set. i read something slow by bukowski, that i thought very few people would get, but the last line went something like "... and women have put the price much too high, so the boys go behind the barn with the cow. that makes things very hard on women, boys, and cows." they got a kick out of that. i was happy that i could at least give them that.
afterwards, dan and i went outside and were chatting... dan runs poetry nites, by the way. we got into a heated argument in front of everyone. i walked away. i don't like conflict. and the cause was too silly to even be repeated.
also yesterday... i met a girl. i will probably never see her again. she was beautiful, though. truly innocent. the type of girl i can't bare to talk to for fear of corrupting her. but i watched her, and listened to her read her poetry. she speaks so softly that no one claps for her when she finishes, but i always sit in the front row and listen carefully. her name is helen. perhaps she'll come back, though i've never seen her there before. i hope she does. do you do that? look at people? i wonder. i see some of the assholes out there and wonder... do they even take time to look back at each other?
enough philosophy. i'll go.
i'm sorry this letter is a little... square... from my usual. i'll try harder next time. i promise.
-fallen

Subj: Re: this is not porn!!!!!!!!! or is it an offer just a letter i promise!!
Date: 99-02-19 01:02:58 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: LOV4820600

you write like you are thirteen. and i don't think you are any good at it. use periods more often. try to spell correctly. i am not one to talk, but your letters are impossible to comprehend. women my age are too young for me, though i will continue to write to you if you need it.
i am sorry your parents are split up. and i'm sorry that i am an asshole to you. my parents are seperated, as well, if it is any comfort. i deal. no step parents, thank god. i don't know. don't think about love. it gets you no where. focus more on being happy. you will find someone. just remember that you have to let someone in.

-fallen

Subj: Re: (no subject)
Date: 99-02-22 17:17:09 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: Discord979

raph rambles:

listening to jazz playing very loudly and attempting to ignore all of the obnoxious ims that pop up... tapping my unhappy toe and hoping i don't smell bad enough to have to take a shower before seeing my shrink this evening... wondering what in the hell i am going to say to her... typing random messages to some freak who wants to start a conversation about cheese... wondering what i should eat, if i should eat at all today... scratching the healing grass cuts up and down my appendages from rolling in the wilderness nude under the moonlight... thinking i should have slept, then, instead of frolicked alone... wishing someone would frolick with me... growling at my sister's dog... wanting to go be at the piano... pretending the keyboard is a piano
asldkjpoi M-9jqewm; .m
uvasjgn a'pijfg j098uw;kjadsmnv afeoiuawe08fv qw4'poin 0 8xd;lhfnn bq284nhg
dcnesrhgb ;sdohuaosi7rdgh poze=
ht0ahsdg' k
'dlfkj0a8qlihgkb3w5lnbse098rdxjng/lka0-9

deciding that is probably getting obnoxious and typing for real again... seeing how fast fast fast fast fsast fsaserasfataspidhf b;knfd i can type... giving up... going into the kitchen and downing some more pills, chewing on my fingernails, responding to your im... sending this mail...

i will finish later.

-fallen

Subj: Re: hmm...::quizical look::
Date: 99-02-22 17:33:46 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: lordgalry@hotmail.com

you do not sound happy... what's going awry? and don't miss me too terribly much... i doubt i'm worth it. but if it gives you something to hope for, by all means go ahead. just don't expect me to be here. i am leaving for reno on the morrow. i don't know when i'll be back. if you call, please email me first to make sure i'll be home. i dunno... growl! people anger me. i am very tierd. need to sleep. perhaps i should eat something. i have lost two much weight. it's unhappy. i worry about myself too much. i think i have ulcers. oh well.
on a much happier note, i am participating in the school musical. it'll be oodles of fun. i am looking forward to it. for once! and i dont have to see my shrink today... and... and... yeah. there are many happy things. i am reading moby dick. it is a fantastic novel. everyone whom i have talked to so far thinks that it's slow, but i am really following. melville is a fabulous poet, and i figured i owed it to him to read his greatest work. it is wonderful. you should read it if you get the chance.
i wonder about things sometimes... going over poetry in english... makes me miss certain poets i have known over the years. it makes me miss being so young and impressionable. i feel so old. would you tell me how old i am? i seem to have forgotten... i am three... no... i am 70... i don't understand.
-fallen

Subj: ...
Date: 99-02-22 21:01:15 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: Avidog11, Dollphini, Corina42, NocheAleni To: Discord979, Elkantar13, ashon@hotmail.com To: chaos@lvcm.com, xotyona@juno.com, raven1@anv.net

i am leaving for reno on the morrow very early in the morning. i'll be back god knows when. i'm not dead... please don't send me too much email whilst i'm gone. and try and get some people to go to my website while i'm gone? i would really appreciate it... i got 101 hits in the first 15 days of htis month! i'm getting popular...
i'm going to miss all of you... i hate school functions. 12 hours on a bus with cheerleaders!!! pray for me? -fallen

Subj: Re: All State
Date: 99-02-22 23:56:42 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: cornellj@powernet.net

lol... jason, i'm not mad at you at all. i did work at it, but you had a good audition. i don't care. se la vi. you deserve it, anyway. it would have been really great if all three of us made it, though. i dunno. steve has been more cruel to me than usual, and that is what urks me more than anything. actually, your letter was a welcome surprise. i am utterly shocked that you remember my email adress. of course, one of my letters was probably sitting your mailbox, unread. oh well.
i laugh at myself. i am sitting here, crying, attempting to write you an email and eat pecan carmels. it's pretty funny. i've just had a couple of bad days in a row. you won't want to read this, but i think i am going to leave. i want to walk until i can't walk anymore. until i pass out on the side of the road or in the middle of the desert. there is nothing for me here. i know... i know it's just depressing bull shit. i know that you've heard it all before and you probably don't even give a shit about me. but i am reaching out to you. all you have to do is respond this email. or touch me at school. that's all i want. someone to pat me on the shoulder or bite me or hit me in the face or hug me. i am tierd. i can't think. and i leave for reno in the morning. i think i am falling apart. i don't want to kill myself. and whether you respond to this email or not, i won't. that is too much responsibility on you. i wouldn't do that. if i was going to kill myself i would do it right now. but i can't. i am a coward. i am too tierd. jason... do something. tell me to leave you alone. tell me that you want me to stay. i can't stand this year and a half of silence. you say that i could give you the silent treatment, but i already have. i did speak once... i have tried to let you in because i trust you for god knows why... probably because you could hurt me the most... but you don't come closer and you don't push me away. all i need is someone to say something. say something. tell me to leave you alone forever. tell me that you don't care. or tell me that you do. i just need someone and if you aren't it, then tell me so.

-laura

Subj: Re: (no subject)
Date: 99-02-27 16:20:43 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: Discord979

i dreampt of you last night. long legs, hair, skin. sheets made of velvet... i laugh at myself.
-fallen

Subj: Re: GRRRRRRRRRR
Date: 99-03-03 16:52:19 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: raven1@anv.net

wyatt... i'm alright... i'm sorry about last night. i wanted to sign off before it got too bad but you wouldn't let me. i'm alright. i'm here. i am glad to know that you are there for me, but you aren't there for me, you're here for you. do you understand? i'm sorry that no one was there when you needed them, but don't be here unless you want to be. you care about me for the wrong reasons. and i don't think you care about me. you care about you and what you were. i wish you would sign on...
i have to go to youth orchestra, and then visit a friend in the hospital. it should be altogether depressing. i don't know what to say to him. i feel slightly responsible. it's a long story.
there's so much to life that you can't see on the outside. it makes me shake just to think about it. i am so lonely sometimes. mainly when i am with other people. by myself, i can live a thousand lives. i run through scenarios... i dream. i am happy when i'm alone. you don't have to be alone to be lonely. i do'nt know. i think i'm rambling.
i'm alright. don't worry about me. i'm not worth it.
-fallen

Subj: Re: A bulletin board question from Kelly Brown
Date: 99-03-03 16:58:54 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: y0dj830s2@bboard.sixdegrees.com

maybe... we don't have a soul. maybe there is no god. maybe there is no driving force. what can be greater than chaos? i don't think anything can. i don't think we have souls. all that we are are electrical impulses inside our brains, and as soon as those impulses stop, or are interrupted, we are lost forever. when you die, you're just dead.
then maybe... maybe we do have souls. maybe we are spirits only inhabiting this body for a short amount of time until we will be forced to move on. maybe we are clouds of energy, ethereal, floating and inhabiting whatever we encounter. maybe there is a sea of souls that we trickle out of thru a tiny stream. maybe we are constantly recycled.
all that i know is that we are each little spots on time, fading into oblivion. i can't even begin to comprehend oblivion. just taking it one day at a time... watching myself fade slowly into the distance of time.

-fallen

Subj: ...
Date: 99-03-06 21:58:28 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: PaperHands

i saw you in a poetry chat room earlier tonite. i only wanted to tell you that i find your screen name absolutely fantastic. i saw it and was immediately entranced by it. your profile fits nicely. i'd like to get to know you, if you so please.

-raphael

giraffes remind me of trees and plains of grass... which in turn reminds me of the time i spent in the south. i want to move back there, to sleep in the feilds and go to church on sundays. and go a'fishing in a lake on my own land for large, fat catfish.

Subj: Re: :)ramblings:)
Date: 99-03-07 18:19:03 EST
From: UrielsPoet
To: Discord979

keep it real..
what is real? why do you trust me, i am not real. the person you send all of those letters to is not real. that's not me. that is a facet of me... something that i am when i push and strain and shallow my self out. i am so full of all of this pain and anger and remorse and sadness and tierdness and wonder and... but i hollow myself out for everyone. i hide the bad parts. sometimes i think i'm upside down. i won't say inside out, more like middle out, because hte inside is so dark and so protected that no light gets in and i don't even know what it is.
i'll leave you to your life, now.
-fallen

- fallen

previous thoughts of the day

on Who I Am and Vulnerability Hate Poetry
50th Thought Special!!!
Hands
Role Reversal... by Emily
The Collective Mind
Primal... by Elkantar
Brad #11
Crush
Thought of My Day... by Elkantar
excerpts from my dissertation on life
Knee-high, Leather, 6 inch Heels
Jesus
I'm doubting everything lately... rohandor
Pride noiraranea
"I am woman" dollpini
the Dream Train
excerpts
I Do Not Want This... by Trent
There once was a little girl... 2 (y'all better read this one...)
Everything
Thank You
Wrestling Woman Inards
School and Psychoanalysis...
Vengeance!!!
Brandon
listening to Bush and feeling sassy...
There once was a little girl.... 1
I want to believe
Timing by rohandor
...for you have left your first love.
On Love
the Mystical, Magical Land of Algebra2
Something Wicked This Way Comes
What does one do?
Cold Sweat Nightmares
Hate Me
Personal Inventory by Dollphini
First Contact, with Kyle
:::whispers::: Lime-Green Elephant
"They say that sex between two people who really hate each other..."
Boys are Yucky
What happens if we all fall down?
Vegas
BluesMan84
Politics and Wealth
The Nature of God
The Nature of Man
Beauty
Only the Good Die Young by Dollphini
Ode to Shawn

poetry
short stories and other literary works
about me
links

� 1998 UrielsPoet@aol.com

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