thoughts of the day

Excerpts From Old Diaries

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Wednesday
3/24/99

Excerpts From Old Diaries

Friday, June 26th, 1998

Sitting in car listening to whiny, goth-boy music. That's me, the whiny goth-boy.
Saw the silver Marilyn (Manroe) and was imediately attracted. It's mildly amusing. Stabbing Westward - "Wither, Blister, Burn and Peel." Only $11.99 at your nearest Borders Book Shoppe. Thanks, Mum.

Iguanna died. Audrey starved the poor thing to death. I had a very bad anxiety attatck on the phone with Nick. Not just about the iguanna, about life in general and how much of assholes people can be. "Rotten Dot Com" is a horrible website. They have many pictures of dead people and horrible things. There was one called "Crispy" of a burn victim. He was all burnt up, his legs and most of his arms were gone. I odn't know how to portray the horror and absolute repulsion and disgust propperly on paper. It makes me sick to think about it. That was about two weeks or more, I have no concept of time a pardon it is flying - Alanis, ago, and I still see it. He was all burnt up. It was generally a bad thing. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Rob's party tonite. No idea what to wear. Got him "The Nohting Book, Wanna make something of it?" It's realy neat, all balnk. Rob will love it. Speaking of Rob, I would like to apture what we have right now. I'd like to bottle it and keep it for those times when I really really just need some emotions and feeling and someone. We have these very emotional conversations all the time and I am constantly writing these outpourings of emotions in the letter form to him. He never writes back. It's alright, though. Eats me up, but alright. Was tlaking to Sarah in class today, summer school bites. She was going out with Bick and Rob at the same time once. I am about to. Rob's definition of love is "having a strong emotionsal tie/bond with someone." And by that definition, he said that he lvoes me, and I love him. I don't know what my definition is, but I don't htink it's quite that simple. I have been in love on quite a few occassions, if that were it. There must be something more. Dying for someone, Rob? I don't think so.

About Nick...
He was in love with Kaite for several years when they were young in Reno. The day he left to come down here they had a big fight. He said that he hated her. About a week later, he got a call here in Vegas from a friends saying that he needed to get down there, Kaite was in the hospital. Nick hopped on the next plane and went straight to the hospital. She was unconcious. He was iwth her all night. She died in the pre-dawn hours. She was hit by a drunk driver. They were so young, but Nick lost his virginity to her. (Flashing thoughts of Charlotte and Triston). Nick thinks she may have been pregnant when she died, from what I gather he didn't use "protection," as people so casually call it. I think that if teenagers would talk about sex with each other more, with adults more?, if society were less stingy about it, there would be a lot less cases of date-rape and teenage pregnancies. Nick and I were talking about it yesterdeay. I was over at his house in his room, as usual, and we talked about it. There is a CD of Scottish-type instrumental that he says he can picture us "making love" to. I really would like to fuck Nick. Honestly, I think it would be a good experience for me. Reasons?
A) It would be very very pleasurable. Nick is good. He's been in my pants twice, three?, times before. No, he hasn't made me come, yet. But that's because I think I am frigid. I don't know.
B) Because it would be a pleasureable experience and because Nick at least somewhat knows what he's doing, it won't be as awkward as it was with Brandon so long, 4 months?, ago, or as klutzy as it would be with Taylor. Sorry, Taylor.
C) Maybe it'll make me stop hating guys, if I do have a pleasurable experience.
Reasons not to, or why I havne't already:
I) I'm terriffied he'd tell "the collective," as he so fonly calls his little circle of friends. I don't want them to think that I am a slut, even if I am by socity's standards.
II) My rep. Nick has slept around. Me sleeping with him, just another one of his girls. I don't really care what others think, buth there are some things you just can't get past with somone. I am having a lot of trouble getting over Nick and Angela at her birthday party a few years or so ago. Nick took her virginity and left her. He said it was a mistake. You don't make mistakes like that. I am having a lot of trouble with Sarah giving both Nick and someone else, JJ?, hand-jobs in the succussi. Yucky.
III) It would really hurt Taylor.
END

I Don't Believe
by Stabbing Westward

I am such an asshole.
God, I'm such a stain.
I just keep fucking up again and again.
You crawled inside my mind when you crawled into my bed
Said everything I ever longed to hear.
So perfect, so alive, once inside you sucked me dry.
You used me up and left me here for dead.
I crave it desperately, a cancer eating me
An addiciton too intense to be denied.
Worthless, I'm a whore, crawling back for more.
It's pathetic how I feed off this abuse.
You told me that you loved me
And I believed you loved me.
You swore that you loved me
And I belived...
Now I know it was a lie.
I don't believe
I don't believe
That I could be so stupid and so naive.
I don't believe
I don't believe
That there is nothing, nothing left for me.

Dedicated to you, Triston, you asshole. Do you remember me? I am still here!

END.

- fallen

previous thoughts of the day

Letters
on Who I Am and Vulnerability
Hate Poetry

50th Thought Special!!!
Hands
Role Reversal... by Emily
The Collective Mind
Primal... by Elkantar
Brad #11
Crush
Thought of My Day... by Elkantar
excerpts from my dissertation on life
Knee-high, Leather, 6 inch Heels
Jesus
I'm doubting everything lately... rohandor
Pride noiraranea
"I am woman" dollpini
the Dream Train
excerpts
I Do Not Want This... by Trent
There once was a little girl... 2 (y'all better read this one...)
Everything
Thank You
Wrestling Woman Inards
School and Psychoanalysis...
Vengeance!!!
Brandon
listening to Bush and feeling sassy...
There once was a little girl.... 1
I want to believe
Timing by rohandor
...for you have left your first love.
On Love
the Mystical, Magical Land of Algebra2
Something Wicked This Way Comes
What does one do?
Cold Sweat Nightmares
Hate Me
Personal Inventory by Dollphini
First Contact, with Kyle
:::whispers::: Lime-Green Elephant
"They say that sex between two people who really hate each other..."
Boys are Yucky
What happens if we all fall down?
Vegas
BluesMan84
Politics and Wealth
The Nature of God
The Nature of Man
Beauty
Only the Good Die Young by Dollphini
Ode to Shawn

poetry
short stories and other literary works
about me
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