I am fortune's fool.
This is the summer of two tears.
I cried nightly. My father yelled, and I cried. Couldn't go out on a Saturday night, and I cried. My cat got sick, and I cried. I got a 'B' in Spanish, I weighed 165 lb., my head/stomach/big toe hurt, and I cried.
Then I lost myself.
This is the summer of two tears.
Now I only swallow myself, in big gulps. SOMEBODY BROKE ME and I swallow myself. My cat is dying, my little Christian girl stumbles drunk into my bathroom, my sister has gotten boobs sometime when I wasn't watching, my fiancé leaves in two weeks to be gone for two years, and I turn into myself. I have a fire in my belly. There is a lead ball in the bottom of my stomach that weighs me down so much I cannot get up in the morning.
But my father is the thorn that stings the deepest, the chain attaching the ball to my spine.
"disrespectful little shit" "have to do everything your way"
"...my own faults in you..."
(*gasp!* admitting weakness? *sigh* I don't think so...)
This is the summer of two tears, wet on my cheeks on a Wednesday morning. One for the words my father has for me. One for the truth in those words.
Dear God,
Forgive me, a sinner. Please help all of those poor souls who I leave in my wake.
Please help BJ find his mother and make the move to Denver. Please help Liz in finding her own feelings and knowing her own heart. Please help John deal with Liz's indecision and to talk with his father. Please help Shannon to keep her promise of not cutting herself or hurting herself anymore. Please help Amber to be happy in and of her sexuality. Please help Jo-Jo never think of me again, I never deserved her. Please help Lindy and Carly escape the ghosts of their fathers. Please help my sister find herself without taints of me in her. Please help my mother to be happy. And God, please help my father see the good in me. I know that there has to be something he can approve of.
Thank you for everything. I know that I am ungrateful.
-your
Fallen
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