In Mind
by Denise Levertov
There's in my mind a woman
of innocence, unadorned but
fair-featured, and smelling of
apples or grass. She wears
a utopian mock or shift, her hair
is light brown and smooth, and she
is kind and very clean without
ostentaion-
but she has
no imagination.
And there's a
turbulent moon-ridden girl
or old woman, or both,
dressed in opals and rags, feathers
and torn taffeta,
who knows strange songs-
but she is not kind.
there's in my mind a giggling little girl who smiles and wears pigtails and is very small. this girl is loved by all who see her, but none can touch her and she skips away. she is replaced by a larger girl, a frighteneing and scary girl with claws and fangs who hides behind her snarl-ball curls and paints her eyes thick balck. she hisses and bites when you come close, but begs you to come closer if you are away.
the two girls fight with each other often and the larger, meaner one always devours the smaller and all of her giggles, though no matter how many times she devours her, the little girl seeps out her pores and forms at her feet to scamper away and draw others in.
they are a deadly team of widowers. they are sweet and venomous. they are irresistable and repulsive. they are what you want but cannot have. they are suicidal seduction.
i used to be a little girl. sometimes i wear pigtails to remind myself. sometimes i pull my hair back tight and stick my chin out and duct tape my boobs. i don't know who i am to myself. too many people under one dress, inside one pair of flannel boxers.
i smell like mouse urine. it's time i bathed.
goodnite, las vegas! goodnite and sweet dreams... dreams of answers, dreams of who you really are.
write to me?
Seraiah
[snip]
UrielsPoet: i looked you up in the member profile... you study theology?
Moon Mdnss: Not in an scholarly sense.. but I find peoples beliefs interesting...
UrielsPoet: you are pagan?
Moon Mdnss: Or ecclectic, yes
UrielsPoet: ecclectic?
UrielsPoet: i have a lot of questions... if i'm bothering you, just tell me to fuck off.
Moon Mdnss: yes... I believe from many different paths...
Moon Mdnss: LOL.. not a problem.. but bare with me.. I had a few drinks earlier...
UrielsPoet: lol, alright... do you practice witchcraft?
Moon Mdnss: That is where I started... But found that it did not fit my life/beleifs well, so I looked into Druidism, am still dabbling a bit with Buddhism, and find Christianity interesting still..
UrielsPoet: i've looked into buddhism and i enjoy the teachings of jesus... you don't practice witchcraft, then?
Moon Mdnss: Well I think that we all do, knowingly or unknowingly... Thought is power, creates..
UrielsPoet: i get it. yeah.
Moon Mdnss: There is a basic theme that runs through most religions, the act of being kind to other, the degree to which we include others does vary... That we are creators in ourselves, although it is said differently usually...
[snip]
Later that evening...
[snip]
Of Emerald: i know alot about it. i'm a student of paganism
UrielsPoet: but you aren't pagan?
Of Emerald: nah
Of Emerald: i hold some of the same beliefs though
UrielsPoet: arggg... i think i'll move on unless you'd like to talk about it? i'm doing research on whatever religions i can find. i am trying to choose.
Of Emerald: oh, i know all about wicca and asatru
Of Emerald: i know everything about them
UrielsPoet: alright... but what religion are you?
Of Emerald: i'm my own religion. by studying all te different ones i came to find certain consistancies in them and took th common beliefs and created my own
UrielsPoet: yeah, i tried that. it was pretty much pagan/wiccan though. i thought i'd look into it.
Of Emerald: do you know anything about Wicca?
UrielsPoet: very little. i thought that pagan and wiccan were alot alike.
Of Emerald: well wicca is a pagan religion
Of Emerald: paganism just means a religion with multiple dieties
UrielsPoet: pagans have dieties?
UrielsPoet: that's new to me..
Of Emerald: yeah.......
Of Emerald: you don't know what a pagan is either?
Of Emerald: okay, we gotta start for square 1 with you here
UrielsPoet: lol... alright.
Of Emerald: okay, back in the olden days, before christianity, there were these people that worshipped nature and the gods they had were used to explain nature or to have a sense of connection to it
Of Emerald: these were known as pagans
Of Emerald: of course, you know about the greeks and their gods. the earlier roman gods were nothing like them. most of them didn't even have genders. they were more utilitarian dieties. like protectors of cattle or child birth or whatever
UrielsPoet: alright...
Of Emerald: the ancient norsemen, vikings and all of them, had a very complex religion, consisting of mainly 2 families of gods, the warrior race and the earthly (nature-related) race. the giants, enemies of the gods, were personifications of nature and it's hardships. this is the religion with which i am most familiar
UrielsPoet: alright.
Of Emerald: Wicca has basically 2 dieties. the goddess and the god. the 2 of them represent balance in nature and equality of people. the goddess gave birth to the god. the moon is the goddess's symbol and the sun is the god's symbol. as the moon has it's phases, so does a woman have her cycle. and as the sun seems to go away every year (so they thought anyway) they have this myth that the god is born in spring and during the winter he dies. but every year he is reborn by the goddess
Of Emerald: they have 8 holidays celebrating this cycle through out the year
UrielsPoet: what are the holidays?
Of Emerald: you want me to name them?
UrielsPoet: please?
Of Emerald: i don't know them by heart
UrielsPoet: lol... alright. i can look that up.
Of Emerald: and witchcraft is a big part of Wicca
UrielsPoet: how so?
Of Emerald: well, they practice magic alot
UrielsPoet: yeah, i gathered that... why do they practice magic? because they can?
Of Emerald: basically how they do that is they channel their own personal energies into creating change in nature. every witch has his or her own way to do that, they write their own spells, use only the tools they want, etc
UrielsPoet: they write their own spells?
Of Emerald: i'm not sure why they do, but it's a very spiritual thing for them
Of Emerald: yes. there are no set list of spells that all witches use. the whole idea is that it's totally personal
UrielsPoet: but they use some of the same spells?
Of Emerald: nope
Of Emerald: each witch has what's called a Book of Shadows. it's where they write doen their spells, what they've learned in their experiences, kind of like a diary
UrielsPoet: ok... wow... do you practice witchcraft?
Of Emerald: nah
Of Emerald: too much for me
UrielsPoet: i do magic... i'm not very good at it, though.
Of Emerald: it takes practice and knowing what you're doing
UrielsPoet: yeah, i thought so. well, where do i go to find out what i'm doing?
Of Emerald: just go to a search engine and type in wicca
UrielsPoet: lol... alright.
Of Emerald: they have info in some sites, and others have references to books you could buy or check out
UrielsPoet: yeah, i'll just go to the occult bookstore.
Of Emerald: that'll work too
Of Emerald: curious: how old are you?
UrielsPoet: young. seventeen.
Of Emerald: that's not too young
Of Emerald: i'm only 18
UrielsPoet: really? lol... you're very well read.
[snip]
[snip]
PongerBonger: what would you like to know?
UrielsPoet: i need a site that is strictly informational, if you know of any. i was raised without religion and now i am trying to look into as many as i can to find the right one.
UrielsPoet: what can you tell me about being christian? why are you christian?
PongerBonger: I was raised in a Christian home but that's not why I am one
PongerBonger: Actually I'm being raised. I'm only 17
PongerBonger: I'm a Christian because I realized what Jesus did for me and I found a relationship with Him
UrielsPoet: jesus died on the cross for our sins, can you elaborate on that or is that all there is to it?
PongerBonger: You know. There is a good site that oyu could go to that might explain this to you better.
UrielsPoet: lol... alright.
PongerBonger: But I'll talk to you also about it
UrielsPoet: i want to know why someone would be christian instead of anything else.
PongerBonger: Yuo know there's one thing that seperstes Christianity from all other religions
PongerBonger: Are you ready for it?
UrielsPoet: i'm ready.
PongerBonger: What separates is. In all other religions it's about what you can do. In Christianity it's all about what's already been done for you.
PongerBonger: Now what do you think that means?
UrielsPoet: jesus died for you, you have to embrace him and thank him for it or you won't go to heaven, blah blah blah?
PongerBonger: you got a good portion of it except I don't remember in the bible it talking about the blah, blah part. Hehe
UrielsPoet: that seems silly to me.
UrielsPoet: do you study the teachings of jesus?
PongerBonger: Yeah, Can I ask why it seems silly to you?
UrielsPoet: well, i've looked into taoism and buddhism, and so far they appeal to me the most because they aren't afraid of going to hell. basically, that all comes from inside you and being good to people, not "accept me into your heart or die, foul mortals" type of thing.
UrielsPoet: that angry god stuff bothers me.
PongerBonger: It did seem silly to me at first too.
PongerBonger: But that's not what God's saying
UrielsPoet: well... hum... it pisses me off that all of the christians i know tell me i'm going to hell because i don't believe jesus is coming back or i don't accept him into my heart. i've studied his teachings, a little, and i like them.
PongerBonger: What do you like about them?
UrielsPoet: i think they are true, most of them. i think jesus was a really great guy. i strive to be like him. but i don't think he's coming back to life. and i don't know if he was sent from god.
PongerBonger: That's what all the other religions say about Him too
PongerBonger: That He was just a man and that's it
UrielsPoet: what do you think?
UrielsPoet: or... what does christianity think?
PongerBonger: What I think and what Christianity thinks is, yes, He was a man, but He also was the Son of God.
PongerBonger: The Jews are still waiting for the Son of God to come
PongerBonger: I'm pretty sure Muslims believe that too to an extent
UrielsPoet: i don't understand how he could be the son of god, and if so, why doesn't god just have another son if he is all powerful?
PongerBonger: In the Old Testiment, (the part that Jews still go by)it talks about the Messiah comming and it also lists almost a hundered or so prophesies about him coming. Jesus fullfilled everyone of them.
UrielsPoet: alright...
PongerBonger: I could teel you some if you'd like
UrielsPoet: why doesn't god just have another son?
UrielsPoet: i'll look it up, later. v
PongerBonger: Because God only needed one to save us and Jesus is still alive.
UrielsPoet: he's still alive?
PongerBonger: yeah, Haven't you heared about the resureection of the dead three days after He was crucified.
PongerBonger: That's why we celibrate Easter
UrielsPoet: ok. so he died on the cross, then he came back to life and he hasn't died again?
PongerBonger: And he scores
PongerBonger: that's how it goes
UrielsPoet: i don't get it.
UrielsPoet: why was he ressurected?
PongerBonger: He ressurected because He had the power to do so. But the reason He had to die was fro all of our sins
PongerBonger: It proved that He was the son of God
UrielsPoet: he was ressurected to prove that he was the son of god?
PongerBonger: No, He ressurected because He was the Son of God.
UrielsPoet: alright...
PongerBonger: But it proved that He was
UrielsPoet: ok.
PongerBonger: Do you have a bible handy?
UrielsPoet: yes.
PongerBonger: cool you want to grab it
UrielsPoet: i have it right here.
PongerBonger: awesome. You want to turn to Hebrews 9:22. It's in the New testiment
UrielsPoet: and according to the law almost all things are purified with blood, and without shedding of blood there is no remission.
PongerBonger: cool. You know what that means?
UrielsPoet: what?
PongerBonger: According by the Law of Moses(which the Jews still go by) they would have animal sacrafices every like two months or so, to God and He would for give them of thier sins
PongerBonger: They would take a perfect lamb, the best out of the flock, and sacrafice it
UrielsPoet: but why?
UrielsPoet: that's mean, killing innocent sheep
PongerBonger: yeah, But it saved God's children.
PongerBonger: You see God can not stand sin at all
PongerBonger: He can'nt be near it
UrielsPoet: so they sinned by killing something innocent?!?
PongerBonger: they didn't sin by doing this but your right they did kill something innocent
UrielsPoet: that's not a sin?
PongerBonger: Not at the time, because God made them for that spacific reason
PongerBonger: and for whool and to eat too
UrielsPoet: i'm a vegetarian.
PongerBonger: I'm sorry(just kidding)
UrielsPoet: i don't think it's right to kill innocent things in cruel ways just to eat them.
UrielsPoet: or because god wants yout o.
UrielsPoet: you to*
PongerBonger: It is a little hard to understand but it was important for them to know that without being pure they couldn't be with God and they couldn't do that on their own. So they had to shead the blood of something innocent in order to do that.
UrielsPoet: i don't think that's right. by killing something, they became pure?
PongerBonger: yeah, either do I. They killed something innocent because of thier own mistakes
UrielsPoet: that doesn't make sense. maybe christianity isn't for me.
PongerBonger: hang on there. We'll take it one step at a time. Let's get through everything before you decide
UrielsPoet: i have a real problem with killing things.
UrielsPoet: i don't even kill bugs.
PongerBonger: I understand. I'm sure bugs love you then
PongerBonger: I don't like killing things either
UrielsPoet: this is really frustrating.
PongerBonger: yeah it is
PongerBonger: but it all comes clear at some point
PongerBonger: You want to read John 19:17-37 now
PongerBonger: Just tell me when your done because it is long. It talks about Christ's death
UrielsPoet: i don't understand.
PongerBonger: what don't you understand
UrielsPoet: why did you have me read that? it is hard to interpret, as well.
PongerBonger: Alright how about Mathew 27:-32-56 then
UrielsPoet: alright... it says he was ressurected.
PongerBonger: You must have read further then
PongerBonger: Basicly it talked about the death of Christ
UrielsPoet: yes.
PongerBonger: You see God knew that we could never be as holy as Him because we sin so much
PongerBonger: We could never be around Him
PongerBonger: And we'd end up going to hell
PongerBonger: He had to kill something innocent
UrielsPoet: so he killed jesus?
PongerBonger: something who had never sinned before
PongerBonger: He actually didn't, We did
PongerBonger: it was our sins that did it
PongerBonger: If we had never sinned Jesus
PongerBonger: Jesus was the innocent lamb
UrielsPoet: that pisses me off.
UrielsPoet: i like jesus. i think he was great.
PongerBonger: I love Jesus. He was great
UrielsPoet: then why did we kill him?
PongerBonger: Because we sinned
PongerBonger: God gave up the ultimate sacrafice
PongerBonger: His only son
UrielsPoet: that's stupid. now i really don't like christians. they killed jesus to save themselves.
PongerBonger: We all did
UrielsPoet: i didn't.
PongerBonger: Not just Christians
PongerBonger: do you sin
UrielsPoet: yes.
PongerBonger: we all do and that's what did it
PongerBonger: Jesus knew He was gonna die
PongerBonger: He loved us so much that He did it for us
UrielsPoet: i don't care. jesus might have died for me himself, but i didn't kill him.
PongerBonger: It is hard to grasp and it pisses me too sometimes
PongerBonger: That Jesus who loved me so much bore so much pain becuase of my fault
UrielsPoet: it wasn't your fault. it wasn't my fault, either.
UrielsPoet: we weren't even around.
PongerBonger: True but Jesue died for all our sins, before and after He died. He died for my sins and yours and everyone else's in the world
UrielsPoet: that's stupid. christianity is stupid.
UrielsPoet: i don't get it.
PongerBonger: hang on there it will make since if we come on talking, hopefully
PongerBonger: This is the part that people hate the most
UrielsPoet: i just don't understand why.
PongerBonger: realizing that through our faults, our mistakes, the Son of God suffered
PongerBonger: why what
UrielsPoet: why our sins killed jesus. is that what it amounts to? or did jesus choose to die to save us? because that would make a lot more sense, even though it would still make me upset.
PongerBonger: Well Jesus did choose to die for us. He definatley did. But when you think about it, He wouldn't have had to if we'd never sinned. So in a way we did.
PongerBonger: You need to realize that it wasn't us but our sins.
UrielsPoet: ok... makes more sense.. but... it makes me very sad. in christianity, do you study the teachings of jesus?
PongerBonger: Yes we do, definately
UrielsPoet: that's what i'd like to do.
PongerBonger: cool
UrielsPoet: but what about church?
UrielsPoet: and god?
UrielsPoet: can i just study jesus without god?
PongerBonger: no, because Jesus is God.
UrielsPoet: wait... i thought jesus was god's only son.
PongerBonger: I guess you could study it but you wouldn't live it
UrielsPoet: why not?
UrielsPoet: god scares me.
PongerBonger: why
UrielsPoet: have you ever read john edwards' "sinners in the hands of an angry god"?
PongerBonger: No I haven't
PongerBonger: What does it talk about?
UrielsPoet: it was way back in colonial times about how people were loosing faith, and if they weren't good and "saints" that god would turn them into giant bugs and strange stuff like that...
PongerBonger: Well I don't think God did that
UrielsPoet: i know, but it scared me that he could if he wanted to.
PongerBonger: yeah, If He wanted to He could but then again he couldn't because He would never want to
UrielsPoet: how do you know what god wants?
PongerBonger: Because one of the shortest verses in the bible simply says,"God is love."
PongerBonger: He made us becuase he wanted to have a relationship with us
UrielsPoet: so what? someone could love their girlfriend and still hit her when he's pissed off at his boss...
PongerBonger: yeah, but God has unconditional love
UrielsPoet: no, he doesn't. he sends people to hell.
PongerBonger: He doesn't
PongerBonger: They send themselves
UrielsPoet: i don't get it.
[snip]
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