Tortures

  Three worst Chinese torture tests known to man:
  A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly
 lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten
 anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced
 to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes
  upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering
 most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
  area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
 implying someone is home.

  He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard
 almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and
 says "What do you want?"

  The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
 haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
  be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your
 house for tonight"

  The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
 condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

  The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
 promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
  tommorrow morning"

  The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
 then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests
  ever known to man."

  "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
 Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would
 live out in the wilderness all her life?

  Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
 showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She
 was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost
 three weeks, it had been many,many months without
 companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
 monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
 keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

  That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they
 had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
  The man crept back to his room later that night thinking
 to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it
 after that experience."

  Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy
 weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this
 huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying
  "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

 "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he
 got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
 and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is
 another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test:
  Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".

  The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be
 grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside
  the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese
 torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".