Driver's Ed

or Get Off The Road, Moron!

    Like most Americans in metropolitan areas, I have to commute to work. My trip is about a 25 minute drive each way, if traffic is light. Unfortunately, in Kansas City, traffic is never light. This is partially due to the fact that some highway department engineer apparently got bored and let his autistic four year old son design the roads in this town, but mostly due to the fact that people in general just do not know how to drive! It never ceases to amaze me how people can get in a car, shut the door, and suddenly the outside world doesn't exist for them any longer. They're wrapped in a couple tons of steel, aluminum and plastic, hurtling down the road at anywhere from 55 to 80 MPH (even faster within a half hour before closing time at Wal-Mart), and yet they seem to be totally oblivious to the fact that there are thousands of other hunks of metal moving at close to the same speed all around them. Need to change lanes? Then do it!  Who cares if you're driving 45, and there's a car coming up behind you in the lane you are trying to change to going 85, or that now that driver had to hit his brakes so hard he is know pulling hunks of his hair out of his own grille? He's not there, as far as you're concerned! This is just one of many peeves I have about people and their driving habits. So, in the interest of my safety (and the rest of the public is welcome to play along), I offer up my own driving tips for the idiots on Kansas City roads (all 600,000 of you) as well as any other American highway.

    Please remember that your car was intended for driving. It is not a rolling restaurant, suitable for breakfast or lunchtime meals. It is not a moving phone booth, designed for you to complete all of your day's phone requirements on your way to or from work. It is not a makeup kit on wheels, developed so you'll have an extra 15 minutes to apply eyeshadow at 80 miles per hour. It was never intended to be used as a family counseling center, a place where you can scream at your kids to remind them who is boss. Nor was it meant to be used as a rolling sound studio, allowing you to make adjustments to the control on your radio while staring intently at the display while attempting to negotiate a cloverleaf exit ramp at 70 miles per hour. It is intended as transportation, and as such, all your attention should be focused on that task.

    Please remember that while there are posted speed limits, there are also implied (and sometimes posted) speed minimums. if the speed limit is 65, it's a good idea to go that speed. You may be of the opinion that if 65 is the posted speed, then 40 must be safer, but trust me, you'll not find many people behind you who agree.

    Also on this topic, remember that speed limits tend to be somewhat relative. Sure, maybe it's not supposed to be that way, but they are. If the "flow of traffic" is moving along at 80, and you're playing Stanley Safety by going 60, you are a road hazard. Try to match speeds with the average of the rest of traffic, lest you end up a hood ornament for the tractor trailer behind you.

    Please pay attention to the huge signs posted over the road. Those signs are not for decoration, believe me. They warn you of upcoming exits, lane peculiarities, etc. If you see a sign that shows your exit is in the far right hand lane in two miles, please start making your way to that lane, especially in heavy traffic. You've been given a two mile advance notice, so there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for locking up your brakes, hitting your turn signal, and sitting at a dead stop in the middle of a lane of traffic waiting for an opening so you can take your exit. If 40 MPH is not a safe speed on the highway, a dead stop is a good way to find pieces of your body riding in the trunk of the car three spots behind you when he drives right through your passenger compartment.

    Likewise, when you receive notice that a lane will end (this one is especially pertinent to Grandview Triangle drivers in Kansas City, for any of you who've ever driven here), please begin to make your way out of that lane. When you have warnings at 3/4 mile, 1/2 mile, and 500 feet, stopping at the very edge of the pavement at the end of the lane with your blinker on is pretty asinine. Remember, no one has to let you in. They are in a through lane, and have the right of way. I am starting a campaign to get drivers to never stop to allow anyone in at the Grandview Triangle, just to drive home my point (no pun intended).

    Which brings me to another point - a blinker light is not a magic button. Turning on your blinker doesn't mean I have to make room for you. If you want to change lanes, you turn on your blinker, then make certain the lane is clear, then change. That order. Blinker/change/look in a span of 2 seconds doesn't cut it.

    Please remember that your brakes, no matter how new, cannot stop your car in a space of two feet. Be thankful they can't, because even if they did, I can't imagine it would be comfortable to feel your spleen come through your nose when inertia took hold. Therefore, a space of something more than two feet between your front bumper and my rear one would probably be wise (unless you're feeling generous, and actually want your insurance company to buy me a new car).

    Lastly, if you're lost, pull off the road and get directions. Driving under signs at 25 MPH, squinting up at them, having your wife show you a road map... none of that is likely to be considered "good driving". Pull over, find out where you are, then drive. It seems so simple, and yet it is  apparently so difficult for too many people to grasp.

    Obviously, I've left out a few of my peeves. Hey, I only get 10 Megs, here! If you have a list of things that annoy you on the road, send them to me by clicking on the e-mail icon below, or linclude them in the comments area of the survey by going to that page.