• Eliminate Hootie and the Blowfish. This is just common sense.
  
• Require anyone over the age of 65 to take an eye test and a road test to renew their drivers license. Some of these geezers are the cause of countless accidents. Since their insidious driving habits only cause the crash but don't involve them in it, they drive away (you can tell it's them because you can see their knuckles over the top of the steering wheel) home to a bowl of stewed prunes and lower insurance premiums for "safe" drivers.
  
• Make harrassment of a smoker in an outside area a captol offense. Dirty looks count. Yes, smoking is an offensive habit. But so is kneejerk, holier-than-thou, rude stupidity.
  
• Euthanize anyone caught smoking a cigar in a public, indoor space. If it is one of those right-wing, Rush listening, yuppie women who think they are cooly asserting their individuality...kill them twice. How does this fit in with the last item? Well, having rights is one thing. Being an obnoxious asshole because of them is another.
  
• Make lawyers pay US when we need them.
  
• Tax the churches to make the hucksters on my TV go find real jobs.
  
• Make Regis go away. He scares me.
  
• Send me lots of money.
  
• Lots of billboards along the highway with pictures of Jada Pinkett on them would be a nice touch.
  
• Explain to me why Coach is still on the air.
  
• Require all Doctors to recieve one barium enema for every one they prescribe.
  
• Teachers and garbage men should be paid what the CEO of major corporations now recieve, and vice versa. They at least perform valuable services to society.
  
• Baseball will be downgraded from a sport and will now fall under the heading of gardening.
  
• The Dallas Cowboys will have to pay every American $10.00 everytime they refer to themselves as "America's Team". It's the right thing to do.
  

-Oddball -Nov, 15 1996