An ongoing saga about the pains of a gay flamingo dancer and his championships. ENJOY!
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 1):
Fik fik fik you fok my fik. Well Geoff, now that my flamingo dance tour is
over I'm feeling a little small since I no longer wear my tight pants! My
crotch hasn't been pinched in all of a week now... I feel at loss... my
brother's feet are in a permanent V due to our pointy black shiny shoes. As
for my feet that's another story. They look like gigantic clomp-nidas! If you
know what that means call me! heh heh!
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 2):
Oooooooooooooch! Somebody punched my pelvis!!!! Owwie!! Onnnnnnnngggggggggggg
ooo ooo ong!
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 3):
A solitude by Matthew Vonnegut Wilson-Tel-Aviv... Alone at night. I remember
the joys of my flamingo flight. I skip, hop, and turn. Recreating the quick
flockish steps i learned. Alone at night i watch the feet of my only brother.
Drink with me to the permanent v's. Drink with me to the clompish feet. Cheers
to ruffle shirts that were half undone. Here's to black tight pants who pinched
our pink buns. Last night I dweamt of sombwewo! I wish I had one of those right
on my head. Spanish type of merengue dance shaking around watch how gay i can
prance. Alone at night i will call you long distance. I still have questions and
answers. Who stole my ruffle blouse??? Was it you Geoff?? Who snapped the little
flamingo guy off my 1st pace champion trophy?? Was it youuu??? Who ate my breakfast
of champions?? I know it was youuuu... Alone once again allllonnee alone at night
now that my flamingo dance tour 97 is over I am allohnneee. I walked the waters
to where I was complete I found the scatters by the highway of my ruffle blouse
my black pointy shiny shoes, my tight black pants that once pinched so heroically.
Where I was complete. Gathered the pieces and washed my face with a wet face cloth.
I am alone at night. With the pieces of what once was. Who am I anyway?? I am
Fernando Dimingo Consuela Angeliqua Diminka Pink Mink Tea Cozy Flamingo Dance
Champion of Israel 1997!! Alone at night I love ohn!
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 4):
My comments... I would like to discuss my thoughts and feelings on anothology.
Anothology -- you crack your head open after a subway runs over you and you say
ouch/owie. You run through your class naked screaming "WILDEBEAST!" at the top of
your lungs and the old fat man behind you removes the cork from your ass and
says buzz. Anothology releases out mystical powers of the ancient Laotion art of
fondling. Flamingo dancing comes as a perfect example. When practicing the
study of anothology and putting it towards gay arts such as the flamingo
merengue, I'm positive even a cave man such as Dave Richards could have grace and
prosperity. I studied Anothology for 12 years at the Hair Club for Men in
Muskoka. I there learned that eating my chapstick brings serenity to the heart
and mind. After many encounters with mysterious ketchup packets being left on
my chair and the bursting when the pressure of my butt is released, new Tide with
Bleach is the perfect drink to wash down the chapstick. After the 12 long years
I used my knowlege to my best ability. On May 12th 1979 i ran out into the
streets of Rino Naked with chicken bones tied in my hair. I did the Toni
Braxton dance and sang like Yanni while playing dominoes in traffic. I then
had to spend a long, dry, uncontrollable 18 years in jail. No it didn't stop
me. Not I. I learned professional flamingo dancing. For 18 years day and night
I practiced and suffered severe beatings from fat bald guys name Poncho, Teabiscuit
and Moe. I twirled, hopped, and leaped. Finally I was as graceful as Jason
Adolph singing with Miss Solway!!! The time had finally come to be released.
I grabbed my brother by the balls and taught him everything I knew. We then
made our journey to Israel. The competition was tough but we became flamingo
dance tour champions of israel 1997 and by God don't you forget it. Anothology
was what made me into the frail pasty hamster I am today. Thank you.
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 5):
Geoff, i've escaped to the Netherlands to spend my daylight hours doing hard
labour on a penguin ranch. The time I spent in Israel has forced me to come
to the conclusion that come 98 a new flamingo dance tour champion will arise.
So that is why I am here. I'm going to devote my life to have 1000 flamingo
dancing backup penguins. Winning the 98 titleship will bring me great pride
and joy. Of course my brother did not agree with me and suggested we use 224
oxs. His disagreement caused and argument so therefore I had to kill him. He
was far too loud anyway. Besides now people will only be able to stare at my
butt in those tight black pants. I will, however, miss grabbing his balls to
Ecuador like old times. It saddens me to think that 224 oxs are heartbroken
over spilled milk. But then again, that's all it is... SPILLED MILK. CLEAN IT
UP IT'S ROTTEN! On further notice, I managed to deflate the fat bald man who
buzzes with a dart. How funny it was to watch him twirl away like a flaaarrr.
We will miss his fondling won't we? So here i am in the Netherlands farming
penguins to become the next flamingo dance tour champion of Israel 98. Wish me
luck by kissing your feet and eating 3 slices of processed cheese every hour on
the hour.
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 6):
I'm not too sure if i like all those penis comments Geoff. I have a strange
feeling that this is towards me. Did that picture i sent you of me in my
flamingo pants give you this idea?...heh... I killed my brother. I have the
98 flamingo dance tour champions in 5 months in Istanbul. heh. ummm call me.
Mmmmmm i use Gold Bond for men on my penis. Maybe you can write a poem about
that. Excuse me while i go scratch.
The Adventures of Matt Wilson (Part 7):
Goofrey, Long time no talk. Why don't you write me anymore? Like the old days. I did so much enjoy your sweet letters! Live in Istanbul, I once again strived to achieve the 1998 Flamingo dance tour championship. Quite a catastrophy (is was). I spent what seemed like years labouring in the Netherlands on a penguin ranch instructing 1000 penguins to back me up in the flamingo merengue. It would have been a brilliant idea if 999 out of the 1000 penguins hadn't died of Leukemia. The doctor told me it would have been best to let them rest in intensive care, but against his words I imagined 1000 bald penguins would only impress the Turkish judges. I suppose I should have listened to him and alas 999 bald leukemic dead penguins was a costly (and
smelly) funeral. If that wasn't bad enough no one showed up at the poor birds' funeral, not even a priest. The police threatened to arrest me for obscenity! Too bad I had prepared a solo by the great Julie Andrews. Well it was down to me and 1 bald penguin. I could see the head line "MATT ASTAIRE AND PENGUIN ROGERS DANCE ON AIR AS THEY WIN THE 1998 FLAMINGO DANCE TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP IN ISTANBUL". My dreams were crushed when my remaining penguin
developed Tourette's Syndrome and pecked my penis off and muttered his last words: "Fuck fuck fuck shit you pasty hamster of a bitch you killed my family you fucknutz!" and then told ME to relax and died. Poor little bird. Tragic. This brought me to 4 days before the competition. I was alone. I prepared a dance number from the musical Chorus line with the song Shuffle off to
Buffalo accompanying me. I practiced for 72 hours straight, sweat off 48 pounds but i was determined. The day of the championship: At 26 pounds i fit in to only 1 leg of my tight black pants so I ripped off the other and made a skirt. I swam in the ruffle blouse so I piled the ruffles in my hair. By God I was stunning. Before me was a family of missionaries the Reimers with Derek as the star. They did the hokey pokey like nobody had hokey poked
before. I was intimidated. My dance was going perfect. I couldnt let those Zambian missionaries defeat me! So I took a chance and leaped through the air with grace. However, not being able to spread my legs apart in my pant leg caused me to do a worm like twitch while airborne and snap both my legs. The missionaires beat me! The 224 oxs and my deceased brother came in 2nd. I placed 48th out of the 49 contestants. 49th place was a small red
typewriter who shuffled to the song NEWWW NIII NOOOOO NI NEWWW NI NOOOOOO. I've been humiliated. I am currently living on a worm ranch as a worm in Madagascar until my snapped legs heal. I suppose I'll have to enter the "special" flamingo dance tour championships sponsored by McDonald's. But not until I seek revenge on the Reimers!!!
MORE TO COME SOON SO STICK AROUND!
