Animal jokes

THE WORLD'S BEST COLLECTION OF ANIMAL JOKES (SOME MAYBE LEWD)

THE PENGUIN

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AAA, resulting in his car being quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.

The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks for a while. After an hour he managed to get in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and hurried back to the garage still covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

WHAT IF YOUR DOG'S NAME WAS PENIS...

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? - Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis! - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis. - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone. - Stop kicking Mypenis. - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown. - Mypenis is truly man's best friend. - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease. - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer. - There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis. - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops. - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis. - Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night.

CAMELS IN THE ARMY

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

FARMERS AND COWS

There was this farmer who had three lovely daughters. He wanted them to marry men who would do anything for them, so he came up with a test. One morning he took all 3 of his daughters out back to the barn. When they got there, there were 3 handsome young men waiting. The farmer walked up to the first man and said "If you fuck my cow back there you can choose any one of my daughters you like, to marry". The first man quickly replied.."No way man, there not even that pretty", he then left. The farmer walked up to the next man and offered him the same deal.."If you fuck my cow back there, you can choose anyone of my daughters you like, to marry". The second man replied"Well i dont know.....oh...Naaaaaa".and he too left. The farmer then walked up to the third and final man and offered him the same deal he gave the other 2.."ok..If you fuck my cow back there, you can choose anyone of my daughters you like, to marry". The third man thought for a moment then answered.."Well I guess. Why not" So the man goes in the back and fucks the farmers cow. When he returns the farmer asks..."So which one of my daughters would you like?" The man answers with...."Screw your daughters how much for the cow!"

ANOTHER FARMER-COW JOKE

One morning the farmer woke up, got dressed and walked outside. When he got outside he found his favorite cow Betsy lying dead. The farmer was so upset. He decided at that moment that there was no point in living so he drowned himself in the well. Then his wife came out and saw her husband dead and drowned herself too. Later the oldest son came out and was about to drown himself too until a mermaid came from beneath the water and said, "If you fuck me 15 times good, i'll bring all your loved ones back to life." So the boy goes 14 times strong and on the 15 time, nothing comes out so the mermaid kills him. Then the middle son comes out and does the same as his older brother. The mermaid comes again and says, "If you can fuck me 20 times good, I'll bring your family back to life." So the boy goes 19 times strong, and on the 20th time, nothing comes out. Then the mermaid kills him. Finally the youngest son comes out and sees everyone dead. He goes to kill himself until the mermaid comes again (The youngest is about 9). The mermaid says,"If you can fuck me 30 times good, I'll bring all your loved ones back to life." So the boy replies, "30, 40, 50 times no problem." The mermaid says prove it. Finally the boy replies, "How do you think the cow died?"

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and slips the lion a Liberace.

The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars,

" Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?"

The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?"

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.

"Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "

One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala."

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: This dog don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: Horses don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.

As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention .

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night, got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home. On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.

Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad shape that he even blew chunks.

Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.

Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars. Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after dumping sugar in the gas tank.

Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said, "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an ongoing challenge at this particular bar.

"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest of the money."

The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.

"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is. A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."

Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates his chest and prods the bartender on.

"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."

"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.

"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."

Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars stare on, having seen many men fail.

After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.

As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye. The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and says,

"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth pulled?"

There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.

"Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.

"Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look at this."

Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.

"That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I have a go??"

The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"

"There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.

"What?"

"There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."

There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."

Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"

The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."

The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"

And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."

A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar."

The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so he lets them stay.

The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes."

The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry, telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog, to which she agrees.

They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his thing and once again, the dog just lays there.

The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna show you one more time.........."

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.

He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back."

Hubby returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"

She say's, "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."

A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit."

"Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."

1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"

"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"

"I mount d..d..dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do" replied the boy, "They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

"O.K." said the pharmacist, "But do you know what the ribs are for?"

The little boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

A woman of very loose nature soon got fed up with men as they were not big enough. She progressed to ponies and then horses.

But she soon outgrew them and her quest for a large male member took her to Africa where she sought a bull elephant in the mating season.

She finally selected one and went down on all fours for him.

She felt him enter her and cried out "Oooh, wonderful, what a tight fit!"

"I should hope so!" bellowed the elephant. "I'm sticking in my front leg."

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a man approach the old man and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The man says, "Yes." The man hands him a five and says, "You're on!"

The old man looks the man up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "You're from India."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second man approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.

Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, "You're from India!"

Dejected, he walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mens room, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!"

The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, "You're from Pakistan!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Pakistan?"

The old man replies, "By the wool on your zipper!"

Brent was visiting his doctor complaining of a really painful ass.

Upon inspection, the doctor was amazed at the width of the man's asshole and asked him how this had come about.

'Well', replied Brent, 'I was on safari in Africa and was raped by a huge elephant.'

The doctor was dumbfounded and said 'I'm no expert at zoology, but I was sure that elephants had long but rather thin penises.'

'That much may be true' replied Brent, 'but the bugger fingered me off first!'

A traveling salesman walks up to a house in the country and asks a little boy where his mother is.

The little boy says, "Out back fucking the Ram"

The salesman, shocked, replies, "You shouldn't say things like that about your mother!"

The salesman walks to the back yard and sure enough here was the boy's mother down on her hands and knee's being mounted by this Ram.

Well the salesman wasn't going to interupt her so he walks around to the front of the house and sees the little boy again. He asks him, "Doesn't it bother you that your mom is being fucked by a ram?"

"Naaaaaaaa! " replies the boy.

Guy from Oklahoma and guy from Arkansas were out hunting. They find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

Guy from Oklahoma says. "Now's our chance," and he goes over and buggers the sheep.

He gets done and says to the other guy, "Your turn."

The guy from Arkansas goes over and sticks his head in the fence.

Scottish farmer sitting in a pub mumbling with each whisky, "There are things in life you just can't explain."

He is doing this whisky after whisky, time after time. Approaching the 12th whisky his pal says, "What's the matter with you?"

The farmer replies, "I was milking the cow this morning. ust when I started she kicked me with her left hind leg. So I got up, went behind her and tied the leg to a pole. Then I started again and just when the milk started streaming, the cow kicked me with her right leg. Up I went again, behind the cow and tied her right leg to a pole on her right side. Again I started milking her. Suddenly she hit me with her tail. So I went up and behind her again and tied her tail to the roof. When I was just finished doing this, still standing behind the cow, my wife came in."

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