Thanks to the contributions of a few good J.A.P.s . . .
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80
years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last
night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were
in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
(Jon S. of Japan)
A JEWISH MOTHER ALWAYS SAYS . . .
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
(Source Unknown)
A obstetrician was moving his office, and as he was cleaning out his file drawers, he found the box he used to keep the foreskins from all of his circumcision he had done. At his last count, he had 2000. Instead of tossing them, he decides to go to a leather worker and see what he could make with them. The worker asks him what they are, and the doctor says not to worry about it, just make him something, anything. Finally, the doctor tells him that they are foreskins, and the worker tells him to come back in a week. Well, a week passes and the OB goes back to the leather worker and he hands him a small wallet.
"What the hell is this? I give you 2000 foreskins, and all you made was a wallet?"
"Yeah," the leather worker said "but if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
(Raveman and Arclight)
A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite the "Sh'ma" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying.
The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must
be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"
And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer "...hamotzi
lechem min haaretz..."
(Laurence Of Suburbia)
THE RABBI
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me . . .' "
(Joanie S. of NASA)
Father Murphy and Rabbi Goldberg meet at an interdenominational convention. "Is it true that your lot aren't allowed pork?" asks Murphy.
"Yes, it is," replies the Rabbi.
"And is it true that you aren't allowed sex?"
"That's right," answers the Father. "Have you ever tried pork?"
"I'm afraid so. I ate a sausage once. Have you ever tries sex?"
"Yes, I did once succumb to temptation and indulge in sex."
"Better than pork, isn't it?"
(Leroy R. of Nevada)
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country
inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer!"
(Larry of Lost Wages)
A man dies and leaves his son nine pairs of socks and a rooster. The man is confused as to what it means. He goes to the rabbi and asks if bequest has a hidden meaning. The rabbi says he will need a week to think about it. When the week is up the man goes to the rabbi for the answer. The rabbi says that indeed there was a message. Nine pair of socks equals eighteen and eighteen is a Chai and a rooster is a cock, so your father left you chai cock!
(Rochelle S., El Paso, Texas)
What do you call a J.A.P. on a waterbed?
Lake Placid.
What is the definition of mass confusion?
Free Ham Day in Tel Aviv.
(Mark I. of Coyote)
How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Two . . . one to pour the TAB, the other to call Daddy.
What does a Jewish American Princess serve at a Briss?
Cocktails.
What do you call a Jewish man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A widower!
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A Jewish American Princess won't buy anything unless it's 20% off.
Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.
Time: Late 1940's
Place: New York
There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple
when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room
for the night.
As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, "Why
don't we try this one?"
The other says, "Are you crazy? It says on the
sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It
means they don't let Jews in!"
To which the first man replies, "Restricted, reschmicted. Let's go in and have a little fun. Just let me do all the talking."
So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.
Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!
Clerk: (Flustered. With a "Connecticut clench") I'm sorry, but this is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.
Man: What makes you think I'm Jewish? I'm just as Christian as you are!
Come on, ask me a Christion question!
The clerk decides to amuse him.
Clerk: OK. OK. Where was Jesus born?
Man: Such a question! Everybody knows that Jesus was born in a stable.
Come on, ask me another Christian question!
Clerk: (Impatient) Look. I know you are Jewish and you are not staying here!
Man: Come on, ask me a question. Ask me, "What for was Jesus born in a
stable!"
Clerk: (visibly angry) All right! Why was Jesus born in a stable!?
Man: Because a schmuck like you wouldn't give his mother a room either!
(Norm M., Calgary)
Little nine year old Ira was walking home from the bakery with one hand in his pocket and carrying a huge challah with the other hand. As he strolled up the walk to his house, his mom and the family's Rabbi came to meet him at the door.
The Rabbi said to Ira, "Hello Ira! How are you today? What do you have there, the staff of life?"
To which Ira replied, "Yeah, and a loaf of bread, too!"
(Paul G., FL)
One Jewish mom tells her friend:
"I'm so glad my daughter found a good husband! He loves her so much that he brings her breakfast in bed each
morning!"
Then she sighs and adds: "But my Son is married to such a clafte! Imagine that, she actually wakes him every morning to bring her breakfast in bed!"
(Rena)
An old Jewish woman, on her eightieth birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and ask his advice on certain points. After all the monetary bequests are allotted, she tells the rabbi of two last requests.
The first request is that upon her death, she is to be cremated. The rabbi strenuously tries to change her mind, explaining that Judaism does not permit such a practice, but the woman is adamant and cannot be swayed.
Seeing the futility of his arguments, the rabbi asks, "And what is your second request?
"I want my ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's."
"Bloomingdale's? Why Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure that my daughters will visit me twice a week!"
(Larry R., Las Vegas)
Why won't a shark bite a JAP?
Professional courtesy.
(From: Chris H. Townsend)
Did you hear about the new brand of Jewish tires?
They not only stop on a dime, but pick it up as well.
How can you tell that Jesus was Jewish?
He lived at home until he was thirty, worked for his dad
and his mother thought he was god.
(J.D., WA)
Why did the Jewish American Princess snort Nutrasweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
(Pete K., FL)
What's a real dilemma for a Jewish American Princess?
Free ham.
It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence. One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.
God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence. The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors."
So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is upset. "If you don't move that fence back," says God, "I'm gonna sue you."
"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
(Norm M., Calgary)
IF NOAH HAD TO BUILD HIS ARK TODAY
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm
going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and
rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning
bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the
IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by
leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A
rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
(Fester, Vegas)
What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of natural childbirth?
Absolutely no make-up.
What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Why do Jewish American Princesses close their eyes while making love?
So they can pretend they are shopping.
What's the difference between Jewish women and Catholic women?
Catholic women have fake jewelry and real orgasms.
A Jewish American Princess's husband was making love to his wife when suddenly, to his
intense surprise, she wiggled and let out a short cry of delight.
"My God, honey!" he exclaimed. "What happened?"
"It's wonderful," she said.
"I finally decided that those curtains would look much better in peach."
(Julie L., CA)
How do you know when a J.A.P. has had an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
(Joni13 of AOL)
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would
Cheetah be?
Bar Mitzvahed and circumcised.
(J.D., WA)
What is a Jewish porno movie?
Ten minutes of sex and fifty minutes of guilt.
(D.S., OH)
What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdales!
(Judy W., NJ)
What does a Jewish American Princess do during a nuclear holocaust?
Get out a sun reflector.
(Karen B., FL)
What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess and a computer?
A computer that never goes down on you.
(Adrian F., Long Island)
What is the definition of foreplay to a Jewish American Princess?
Begging.
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would
Cheetah be?
A fur coat.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman that I want to marry. She is a Native American and her name is Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother.".
"I have an Indian name too, Mom. It is 'Sitting Bull.' You have to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother."
"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom."
"I do," says the mother. "Just call me "Sitting Shiva."
What do you call a Jewish American Princess's waterbed?
The Dead Sea.
(Les S. N.Y.)
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
At six feet, three inches tall, a man we know is very concerned because he thinks he is very poorly endowed. He finally gets over this traumatic obsession and asks a beautiful Jewish American Princess out for the first time in a very long time. They decide to take a walk. The night is warm, it's beautiful outside. They stop and gaze at each other and kiss. The man takes the woman's hand and places it against him. She then looks at him and proclaims, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
(J.S.,TX)
A Jewish guy and an Italian guy are standing on top of a mountain. A gorgeous girl with huge breasts walks by at the bottom right below them.
The Italian guy says to the Jewish guy, "Hey, let's go down there and screw 'er!"
The Jewish guy says, "Outta what?"
(J.S., TX)
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," she says, "What part is it?"
The boy proudly replies, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"
What do Jewish mothers and 60 Minutes have in common?
They both
begin with tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk
(J.J., Miami, FL - a whiner no more)
A Jewish mother worried day in and day out about her poor son, far away in a college.
"Oy Vey! Will he ever find a nice girl? Will he have enough to eat? Will he be cold at night?"
While worrying she decides to buy and send him two warm flannel shirts. A couple of months later he travels back to New York and sees his mother. After many hours on a bus he arrives at her door
and thinks, "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Surely this will make her happy!"
He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens the door:
"Moishe!"
"Mama!"
"Moishe, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you're even wearing one of the shirts I sent you!"
"But tell me one thing. You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"
(Karen P., Houston, TX)
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet her parents and have dinner with them. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, or a 6-pack. The boy, however, insists on the 10-pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly bows his head as if deep in a grateful prayer for the bounty before him.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
(Larry R., NV)
A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall.
The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies,"Here, iron that."
