Oy  Gevalt!!!






This page is dedicated to all of the amazingly witty and fun-loving Jewish American Princesses and Princes that I have come to know and love. The dedication extends to our mothers and grandmothers whose genes happily supplied us with the sense of humor we all possess.





From the laptop of Joan S. (aka JSMuff) of Dallas Texas:






Mr. Gold, Mr. Diamond and Mr. Taylor were all immigrants to the U.S. They decide to meet in 10 years to compare how well they've done in the New World. After 10 years, they have their reunion:

"So . . . How did you do, Mr. Gold?" Taylor and Diamond asked. Gold said, "I've been blessed. I went into the gold jewelry business and did very well!" "Great!" they said.

Next, Mr. Diamond related that he went into the diamond business and did fabulously well.

Diamond and Gold asked Mr. Taylor, "So, how did you do?" "OY!" said Mr. Taylor. "I became a tailor and things were not so good for a few years."

"What did you do?" Gold and Diamond asked. "Oh, I prayed to God that if He would make me successful, I'd split the profits with Him 50-50!"

"So what happened?" the two old friends asked.

"What happened, you ask what happened? Didja ever hear of LORD & TAYLOR?"





The teacher told everyone in class that whoever could name the most important person born in the world so far, that child would win a crisp Five Dollar bill!

Little Leroy stood up and waved his hand.  The teacher called on him and Little Leroy answered, "I know, it was Martin Luther King!"   The teacher said it was a great answer, but not the one she was looking for. . .

Then Chris wildly waved his hand, and said, "I know! It was George Washington!" and the teacher said that that was a great answer, but not the one she wanted.

Little Sidney jumped up and said he knew the answer.    The teacher called on him and he said, "It was Jesus Christ!"   The teacher said he was absolutely right and gave him the Five Dollars.    As Sidney was walking back to his seat he whispered to his classmates . . . "It was really Moses . . . but . . . business is business."





The Top 10 Movies to rent during Hanukkah (Or during the Holidays):


    10. Three Men and a Bubbie
    9. A Few Good Mensches
    8. The Cohenheads
    7. The Rocky Horah Picture Show
    6. Shalom Alone
    5. Goyz 'n the Hood (Love that one)
    4. A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
    3. The Wizard of Oys
    2. Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
    1. Prelude to a Briss





A man was looking up in the sky one day and he saw a UFO hovering above...all of a sudden it comes closer to earth and a little door opens and a little ladder shoots down to earth. A little green Martian comes walking down the ladder...

The man looked at the Martian and said, "Oh my God, where are you from?" The little martian said in a high pitched tone, "I'm from Mars!"

The man then observed that he was green . . . "Is everyone on Mars green?"

In his high pitched tone, the martian said, "Yes, everyone on Mars is exactly this same color shade of green....no lighter, no darker."

Then, the man noted that the martian was short. "Is everyone on Mars your height?"

And the martian replied, "Yes, everyone on Mars is this same exact height . . . no taller, no shorter."

Then the man observed a gold chain around the martian's neck and asked, "I see you are wearing a gold chain around your neck. Does everyone on Mars wear a gold chain around their necks?"

To which the Martian replied, in that high-pitched tone, "Nope, the Goyim don't.!"


And, at last, a direct quote from Joan S. of Dallas, Texas:

I expect to get full credit if you use these ideas . . . I'll be sending over my nephew, the lawyer with the contracts . . . lol


At the Official Jewish American Princess Home Page!


From the Princely Puter of Larry R. of Las Vegas:


A Jewish American Princess hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.

The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.

In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."




Did you know that Jews really like to play football because they want to get the Quarterback?




Old Jew walks into a dentist's office and orders two sets of plates.
Confused, the dentist asked, "Why?"
The man answers one for milk and one for meat.



Do you know why Jews will only fly on a 747?


Because it is marked down from a 757!




A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took her aside and told her:
"If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."
  1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, and send him off to work in a good mood.
  2. At lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind, before he goes back to work.
  3. For dinner, make for him especially nice meals, selected from his favorite foods, and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
  4. Make love with him several times a week, and satisfy his every sexual whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
She replied, "You're going to die."





A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, 'Is God male or female?'

After thinking a moment his mother responds, 'Well, God is both male and female.'

This confuses the little boy so he asks, 'Is God black or white?'

'Well, God is both black and white.'

This further confuses the little boy so he asks, 'Is God gay or straight?'

At this the mother is getting concerned but answers anyway, 'Honey, God is both gay and straight.'

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, 'Is God Michael Jackson?'





A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

And the rabbi said, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break; surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest.

The priest asked, "Aren't you going to have any?"

And the rabbi replied, "No . . . I think I'll just wait for the police."


You may be a J.A.P. if . . .

  • If your daddy buys you a Jeep Grand Cherokee and you ask him to take it back because it's simply the wrong color, then you may be a J.A.P.
  • If it costs you $100.00 to get a hair cut and an extra $150.00 to get it colored, then you might be a J.A.P.
  • If you don't talk to people because they don't own anything made by Tommy Hilfiger, then there is a possibility that you may just be a J.A.P.
  • If you only wear black clothes when you go out and your closet as been designated as an official Black Hole, then there is a chance that you might be a J.A.P.
  • If you are rich, Jewish and from Long Island, Miami Beach or Beverly Hills, then people might think that you are a J.A.P.
  • If you keep a taxi on call to whisk you from one class to another, then most people would agree that you are a J.A.P.
  • If you carry a miniature Gucci back pack to carry your mirror, credit cards and cellular phone then some people might consider you a J.A.P.
  • If you have an absolutely perfect nose that doesn't quite match your face, then there is a remote possibility that you may be a J.A.P.
  • And if you have the ability to laugh at yourself and appreciate all that life has to offer, you can proudly call yourself a J.A.P.





Remember comments, suggestions or just plain brilliant ideas e-mail me at: ChezMoi@jap.com




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