Women and Men

Women and Men

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass,
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Anorexia.
He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.
Submitted by Adorable Ann

A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off!   Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat."   Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.   You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.  She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a darn.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.   Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?"   Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch... do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.   Are they kidding?    That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is.   The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?    I mean, how intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Submitted by Suzanne B. of FL

Ten Reasons G-d Created Woman

God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.  (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Womanly Truisms

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health.   My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing!   You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . . .

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
A youth you're content to move beyond.
A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
A feeling of control over your destiny.
A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

EVERY WOMAN. . . SHOULD KNOW:

How to fall in love without losing yourself.
How you feel about having kids.
How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
When to try harder and when to walk away.
How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
Where to go - - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
Why they say life begins at 30.

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.   The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oy, Morris," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years!   How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost.  I was just too tired to walk home."
Submitted by Annabeth

Many a Jewish girl is still single these days.
She just hasn't met Dr. Right yet.   :)

Suspicious Woman
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.   When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded, "You're the only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.   It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
Submitted by Barrie

A Christian girl, in love with a Jewish guy agrees to change her religion.   She goes to a Rabbi for instruction.
Rabbi: You will learn how to light the candles, keep two set of dishes, keep a Kosher home, and a few other simple things.
Girl: That sounds easy to me.   I can do that.
Rabbi: The last thing is, you must go to a mikva.
Girl: What's that?
Rabbi: It's a pool of water and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds.
Girl: I'm sorry.   I have a phobia about putting my head under water. I'll go in the pool but I can't put my head under water.   Will that be allright?
Rabbi: That will be okay. You will be Jewish but you will still have a goyisha kup!

So this Jewish boy comes home and tells his mother he is going to get married.
And his mother asks what is her name.
"Monica Lewinsky," the son says.
The mother then says, "What happened to that nice black girl you were dating?"
Submitted by Ben Borok

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"   So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.   The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.   Low and behold she takes the seat right beside his.   Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."
He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement.   Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait.   Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best,on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.
Submitted by Bob Good

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager.
He reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Submitted by Pony McConnell

My wife and I do it doggie style: I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

My Jewish wife uses oral contraceptives.  She says "no".
Submitted by Fred Schwartz

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents.   After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.   The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar.   Hmmm," the father says.   "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father.   "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street.   Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married.   He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement.   It's past time he's settled.   As far as the herpes goes... who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home.   I'll look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth.   "Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it.   Not to worry!   It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli papers:
Worried about in-law meddling?   I'm an orphan.   Write.   POB 74.
Yshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.   Seeks same in woman.
Desperately seeking schmoozing!   Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing.   Under 30 is OK.   POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.   POB 45
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs.   Religion not important. POB 658
Nice Jewish guy, 38.   No skeletons.   No baggage.   No personality.   POB 78
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch.   No weirdos, please.   POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not.   Oh, just forget it.   POB 435
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles. havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles.   Seeks non-smoker.   POB 787
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.   Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.   POB 555
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.   Let's try it for eight days.   Who knows?   POB 43
80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35.   Object: matrimony.   I can dream, can't I?   POB 545
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to; Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets; Confide in me; I'll understand your insecurities.   No fatties, please.   POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.   Looking for girl whose father will hire me.   POB 53

This young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.   When they got back from the honeymoon, she immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!   So romantic.   We had a terrific time!   But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language, stuff I'd never heard before, really terrible four letter words.   You've got to come get me and take me home!   PLEASE MOTHER!"   And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT four letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!   COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.   Tell mother the four letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like DUST. . . WASH. . . IRON. . . . COOK!"
"HEAVENS," shouted the mother, "I'll be there to pick you up in two hours. . . pack your bags!"
Submitted by Larry of Las Vegas

A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.   So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.   However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.   After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.   She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!   All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.   She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it.   I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Submitted by Nancy R. of Cleveland

Subject: Life's Truths
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot�more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow believe they deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
Submitted by Russ and Kathy

If Women Ran the World . . .

A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered 'Macho.'

The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy.

Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.

Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.

Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

"Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuringscantily clad male models.

Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

(Submitted by Uncle Fester)

25 Facts for Women To Know About Men

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Butthead is the smart one.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are; watching anything on TBS; playing cards; smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

Socks never constitute a gift.

Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

Curly is the bald one.

Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your sister are up to.

Sex on a week night is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.

Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

No, you can't have the remote control.

If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

(Author Unknown)

The Male Point of View . . . And God created Woman!

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. she will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.," replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history!!!

A man and a woman were sharing a sleeper berth on the overnight train to Scotland. The guy had the bottom bunk and the woman had the top bunk. Small talk is engaged prior to departure.
At about 2am the man is woken by the girl.
"Excuse me," she says. "It's a bit cold, the blankets are under your bunk . . . could you pass me one?"
"Wouldn't you just like to pretend that we're married," he asks.
"Oohh yes, that would be nice," she giggles.
"Good" he replies, "Get your own blanket then."

(Norm M., Calgary)

Subject:  A Woman's Guide

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one . . . they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well . . . they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same . . . they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners . . . he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men . . . a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men . . . strong, caring, loving . . . they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals . . . messy, insensitive and potentially violent . . . but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system . . . not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men . . . 'don't' and 'stop'.
17. Husbands are like children . . . they're fine if they're someone else's.

(Author Unknown)

E-Maled

Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. After a second or perhaps third date that didn't go at all well, the closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." Of course, they have no intention of calling her and we may even feel a slight twinge of guilt. But, there is a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail.
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
Following is an Email rejection letter Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.

Dear (her name) or babe,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)

Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

The only question you asked was how much money I make.

You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

My breasts are bigger than yours.

Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)

(Submitted by Norm M., Author Unknown)

WHAT IS THE THINNEST BOOK IN THE WORLD?
What Men Know About Women

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS SEXUALLY EXCITED?
He's breathing.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND GOVERNMENT BONDS?
Government bonds mature.

WHAT DO MEN AND BEER BOTTLES HAVE IN COMMON?
They're both empty from the neck up.

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?
We don't know, it has never happened.

WHATS A MAN'S IDEA OF HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

HOW ARE MEN AND A PARKING LOT ALIKE?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

WHAT DOES A MAN CONSIDER A SEVEN-COURSE MEAL?
A hot dog and a six-pack.

WHY ARE ALL THE "DUMB BLONDE" JOKES ONE LINERS?
So men can understand them.

WHY IS PSYCHO-ANALYSIS A LOT QUICKER FOR MEN THAN FOR WOMEN?
When it's time to go back to one's childhood men are already there.

WHAT DID GOD SAY AFTER HE CREATED MAN?
I can do better than this.

HOW MEN DEFINE A 50/50 RELATIONSHIP:
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET A MAN TO DO SIT-UPS?
Put the remote control between his toes.

HOW DO MEN EXERCISE AT THE BEACH?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

HOW ARE MEN LIKE NOODLES?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

WHY IS IT GOOD THAT THERE ARE FEMALE ASTRONAUTS?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

(Jeanette C., Everett, WA)

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.
DATING
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER
Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

(Author Unknown - Submitted by Norm M., Calgary)

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right! And that's the way it's going to be until your god damn attitude changes!"

(Larry R., NV)

What Men Really Mean - A Continuing Series

"I'm going fishing." Really means . . . "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means . . . "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means . . . "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means . . . "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means . . . "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means . . . "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means . . . Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means . . . "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means . . . "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means . . . "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means . . . "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means . . . "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means . . . "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means . . . "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means . . . "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means . . . "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means . . . "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means . . . "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means . . . "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means . . . "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means . . . "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means . . . "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means . . . "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means . . . "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means . . . "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means . . . "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means . . .| "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means . . . "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means . . . "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means . . . "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means . . . "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means . . . "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means . . . "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means . . . "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means . . . "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means . . . "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means . . . "You may actually get it to start."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means . . . "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means . . . "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means . . . "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means . . . "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means . . . "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means . . . "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means . . . "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means . . . "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means . . . "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means . . . "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means . . . "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means . . . "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means . . . "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means . . . "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." Really means . . . "She dumped me."

(Norm M., Calgary)

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men . . .

For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing.
Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
There would be no such words as wedgie and noogie.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be - - I sincerely believe this - - virtually no military conflicts, and when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side.)
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area.  That area is: clothing sizes.  In this particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective - - follow me closely here - - is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body.  A man will try on a pair of pants.  If those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair.  And, when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them.  Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants.  Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size.  A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"
The situation is very different with women.  When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body.  She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old.  This will be some arbitrary number such as 8 or 10.   Don't ask me 8 or 10 of what?   That question has baffled scientists for centuries.  All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size.   She can't!   Her size is 8, dammit!
So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.  She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
"Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him.  "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and . . ."
"Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off.
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers 'yes,' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers 'no,' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER.  There is no escape for the husband.  I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

The other day my wife was in a terrific mood, and you know why?  Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit.  She said this made her feel wonderful.   She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called 'SIZE 2,' in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words `SIZE 2.'   I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy.  You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity.  I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
(Copied from letter by: Justine Z. Submitted by Uncle Fester)

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK at age . . .
  17... Beer
  25... Beer
  35... Scotch
  48... Double scotch
  66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE at age . . .
  17... My parents are away for the weekend.
  25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
  35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
  48... My wife is away for the weekend.
  66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT at age . . .
  17... Sex
  25... Sex
  35... Sex
  48... Sex
  66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG at age . . .
  17... Pot
  25... Cocaine
  35... Really good cocaine
  48... Power
  66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age . . .
  17... Cop a feel
  25... Breakfast
  35... She didn't set back my therapy
  48... I didn't bump into her kids."
  66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY at age . . .
  17... Third base
  25... Airplane sex
  35... Menage a trois
  48... Taking his company public
  66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age . . .
  17... Roaches (to be burned later)
  25... Old college roommate
  35... Irish setter
  48... Children from his first marriage
  66... Barbie

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age . . .
  17...   25
  25...   35
  35...   48
  48...   66
  66...   17

IDEAL DATE at age . . .
  17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
  25... Split the check before we go back to my place
  35... Just come over
  48... Just come over and cook
  66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
(Submitted by Elyse, Wendy and Joanie - Three Dangerous Dallas Darlings)

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages
FAVORITE DRINK at age . . .
  17... Wine coolers
  25... White wine
  35... Red wine
  48... Dom Perignon
  66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES at age . . .
  17... Need to wash my hair
  25... Need to wash and condition my hair
  35... Need to color my hair
  48... Need to have Francois color my hair
  66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT at age . . .
  17... shopping
  25... shopping
  35... shopping
  48... shopping
  66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG at age . . .
  17... shopping
  25... shopping
  35... shopping
  48... shopping
  66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age . . .
  17... "Burger King"
  25... "Free meal"
  35... "A diamond"
  48... "A bigger diamond"
  66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY at age . . .
  17... tall, dark and handsome
  25... tall, dark and handsome with money
  35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
  48... a man with hair
  66... a man

FAVORITE HOUSE PET at age . . .
  17... Muffy the cat
  25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
  35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
  48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
  66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age . . .
  17...    17
  25...    25
  35...    35
  48...    48
  66...    66

IDEAL DATE at age . . .
  17... He offers to pay
  25... He pays
  35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
  48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
  66... He can chew breakfast

(by Ruthie and Rebecca)

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