30 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
4. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of, "beeeeeeep bip bip beeeeeep big...."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all ht flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grube".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windwhield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbours upstairs for "violating your air space".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure that it was a real hoot.
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Make beeping noise when a large person backs up.
23. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person".
24. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
25. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
26. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
27. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
28. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
29. Do not add any inflection to the end of you sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
30. Send really long e-mails (that suck) to all the people you know.

Last Updated: September 25, 1997

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