Saturday, February 5, 2000, 1.08

So Friday morning I was at the Riagg, and we were talking about how the therapy would be continued. There's gonna be a big conversation between the Riagg, my parents and me, because my parents (well, actually my dad) wants to know what's going on. I'm okay with that. My therapist asked me, and he said that they wouldn't do it if I didn't want it. But I don't have a problem with it, so it's gonna happen.

A few nights ago I was really scared. It seemed like the feeling of depression was returning. And I saw things. Not like they were really there, but I just had "visions." I saw a woman standing at a tram-stop, and the picture just wouldn't get out of my head. It wasn't like a "flash;" it kept being on my retina for a long time. I could look at her and see what kind of shoes she was wearing, what she looked like (she looked a lot like "Jo" from the movie Twister), etc. And later I saw a castle and a frighteningly big tunnel. But luckily the feeling was gone the next morning.

I'm sorry that this is so short, but this is all I have to say for now.

Life's biggest mysteries: 1) What is the meaning of life? --- 2) What happens after you die? --- 3) Why were Paul Bosvelt and Fernando Ricksen kicked out of the Dutch national soccer team, while that money-grubbing traitor Ronald de Boer gets to play every match?

I'm sorry but this is all.

1.21

Tuesday, February 15, 2000, 0,57

In my last entry I forgot to tell one of the most important things: the people at the Riagg asked me to start keeping a journal, to express my feelings... too bad I can't tell them about this one.

Today (Monday) was the day Michelle finally became 100% sure of the fact that she has gotten rid of me. Last year I tried to restore the contact by sending her a Valentine's card, but this year I didn't. She must be very relieved now.

On Sunday night I was watching TMF (The Music Factory, something like MTV but then in Dutch. We have that and MTV.). There was a Valentine's top 50, composed by viewers. I really loved to hear all those lovesongs. But one strange thing: although I haven't seen the whole show, I think that "Because I love you" by Stevie B wasn't even in the list. Weird..... but apperently my peers prefer the Backstreet Boys over a real lovesong.

1.05

Sunday, February 20, 2000, 1.35

Last Thursday I was on the subway, like almost every school day. A few seats away from me, there was a guy - age somewhere between 20 and 30 I guess - he looked a bit like a bum. A few minutes later he suddenly stood up, looked very agressive, and ran to the back of the train. Then I heard people screaming, and I realised he had probably hit or kicked someone there. Then he came back to where I was, at the door, just a few feet away from me. (I have absolutely NO idea how much length a foot is, but I'm jus guessing. Anyway, it was really close.) He began to say things like "people shouldn't make fun of me. You are all making fun of me! But I'm gonna bully you all!" Then he walked to another door. I got out of the train, because I was all scared and shaking and stuff. Then I saw he also got off the train, but I thought I'd just wait at the station for the next train. When I got on the next train, I saw that this guy ALSO got on that train, so I was kinda scared that he would do something like he did before. But luckily he didn't.

Hmm... next Wednesday it's Netherlands - Germany. The selection for the Dutch team is so horrible! They kicked my favourite player - Marc van Hintum - out, and replaced him by Arthur Numan, who plays for the (Glasgow) Rangers. WHO? The Rangers. You know, that club that spends about a hundred million dollar on players, and STILL doesn't make through the first round of the Champions League. And another player: Roy Makaay! If I ever finish my Orange Revolution homepage, he will be number one on the "black list" because he is such a traitor. I'll tell you why on that homepage, if I ever finish it. Selecting Roy Makaay and Arthur Numan, kicking Marc van Hintum out, selecting all those Barcelona players... that really puts that random violence thing in perspective, doesn't it...

1.53