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100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
26% of people can't read. The other 92% can't do maths.
75%, no, 72% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
88% of all taglines quoting statistics are stolen.
98% of all statistics are useless.
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
A bird in the bush is better than a bird on your shoulder. Especially big ones, don't want your clothes soaked with poop.
A bird in the hand makes it difficult to tie your shoelaces.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A motor home should never be parked on a steep hill. It will leave if it's so inclined.
A naked man fears no pickpocket.
A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really annoys the tellers.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat in mind.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Age is a hell of a price to pay for maturity.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Always forgive your enemies - they hate that.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, BUT... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Another physics lesson for today: A body at rest tends to watch television.
Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the questions.
Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head?
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down people.
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
"Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?"
"BABY ON BOARD" just means five more points.
Bathroom scales: Equipment that only seems to work correctly when one holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.
Bumper sticker of the day: "Abolish hostility: Kiss my friendly ass."
Bumper sticker of the day: "If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you."
Bumper sticker of the day: "So many pedestrians, so little time."
"But I don't like the cat!" "Shut up and eat your dinner!"
Cab drivers are proof that practice does not make perfect.
Cats prove that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Charlie was a chemist. Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Clock: A small mechanical device used to wake up people who don't have kids.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington DC? (Y/N)
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Contrary to popular opinion, God's last name isn't Damn.
Correct me if I'm wrong, everybody else does.
Creativity is great, but plagarism is faster.
Credit cards: What you use when you learn money can't buy everything.
Cross-country skiing is great in small countries.
Curiosity didn't kill the cat; I got him with the mower!
Curiosity may kill the cat, but a chain saw is quicker!
CURSOR: What you become when your system crashes.
"Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?"
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you heard this bull somewhere before.
Department of Redundancy Department
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't get even, get odd.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.
Don't hesitate to give advice. It passes the time and nobody will follow it anyway.
Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
E=MC². Very good, Einstein, but next time show your working.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Earth is full. Go home.
Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Falling in love is easy; climbing out is a pain.
Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
File Not Found. Loading something that looks similar.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
First rule of holes: When you're in one, quit digging.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Get stoned - drink wet cement.
Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
Gosh it's cold today, turn another Pentium on will you?
Gravity doesn’t exist: the earth sucks.
Happiness: Seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the side of the milk carton.
Hardware: The parts of a computer that can be kicked.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Harvard Law: "Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases."
"Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How to make a cat meow - freeze it, take a chainsaw, and MEEEEOOOW!
Humour is like a needle and thread; deftly used, it can patch up just about anything.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate
plants.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I came, I saw, I had no idea what was going on, so I left.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don't need a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't have to take this abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm up *way* too high..."
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I had a cat once - tasted like chicken.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.
I have not lost my mind-- I know *exactly* where I left it.
"I like pigs. Dogs look UP to us. Cats look DOWN on us. Pigs treat us as EQUALS.
-- Winston Churchill
I liked things better when I didn't understand them
I think I think, therefore I think I am. I think.
I think the reason American cars aren't as good as Japanese cars is due to the
difference in dinosaurs. Any clunker with a motor can outrun Barney, but it
takes a real speedster to escape Godzilla.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I use not only all the brains I have, but any I can borrow.
I wanted change – now that’s all I have left.
I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I
thought, "What the hell good would that do?"
I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, when suddenly I thought to
myself... "Where the hell did my roof go?"
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm going to live forever or die trying.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right.
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.
I'm not lost - I'm just locationally challenged.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I've got a mind like a... a... what's that thing called?
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Idiot (n): One who disagrees with you.
If a boomerang always comes back, why bother throwing it?
If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry, again.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. She's kind of expecting it.
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
If God had intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
If I were you, who'd be me?
If I'm not back in 5 minutes, wait a little longer.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said
"Quit while you're ahead"?
If speed kills, then Mac users will live forever.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
If they could send one man to the moon, why couldn't they send them all?
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
------- If you cut here, you'll probablly destroy your monitor--------
If you cross poison ivy with four-leaf clovers maybe you'll get a rash of good luck.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
If you can't say something good about somebody... Say something bad; it keeps the conversation going!!
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make
them think they'll hate you.
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But
if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it just to
be sure.
If you think you're a wit, you're half right.
If your enemy really bugs you, give his kid a drum kit.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him
practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
In Paris they simply stared when I tried to speak to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. -- Mark Twain
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
It's better to have people think you're stupid, than to open your mouth and remove
all doubt.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
I've been good all day so far.
I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath. Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.
"I've never had problems with money. Now WITHOUT money, I've had problems."
Juliet: "Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
Romeo: "Surfing the Net. Where else would I be?"
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Learn to laugh at yourself, we certainly have.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears that we never use.
"Life without you would be like a broken pencil."
"How's that?"
"Completely pointless."
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Love means never having to say "Put down that chainsaw!"
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other virtues you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was quite surprised.
Mary had a little lamb. With gravy, potatoes, and peas.
Me, indecisive? I'm not so sure about that.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.
Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy, and you go well with Brie.
Never appeal to a man's 'better nature'. He may not have one.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with
experience.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never criticize a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do, you'll be a mile away... and you'll have his shoes!
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run. (Death hates that).
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
Newsflash! Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Nitrate: The cost of phone calls after 11:00pm.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Note to single males: Sometimes it's better to appear stupid and have someone rather than be the self-righteous Mr. Know-It-All and be all alone.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Of people born in 1839, 100% who ate carrots are dead.
OK, I know what the speed of light is, but what’s the speed of dark?
"OK, men, take that hill!"
"Uh, Sarge, where do you want us to put it?"
Okay, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going???
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only borrow from pessimists -- they don't expect to be paid back.
Opportunities are never lost – miss one, and someone else will take it.
Pain is a part of life. Misery is an option.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
PATIENCE is something you greatly admire in the driver behind you, but NOT in the one ahead of you.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
People are like toes. There are many in the world, but only a few you can count on.
People have one thing in common; they're all different.
People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press ENTER once to quit or twice to save changes.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Q. Why did Gary Larson's chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the Far Side.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Read the book "Anti-Gravity" – I couldn't put it down!
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is.
Red sky at night - refinery's alight.
Redundancy: An air bag in a politician's car.
Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Remember that two wrongs do not make a right, but that three lefts do.
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this one.
Science asks why. I ask why not.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Sign on a maternity room door: PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.
Sleep is a totally inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
Software upgrade installed: press your luck to continue.
Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Sometimes I feel like I am going sane.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Speed doesn't kill. Stopping very fast kills.
Students who pay their own way through university never drop out.
Stop stressing and start smiling, the world needs happy people to brighten it up a bit :o)
Stress (n): The condition caused by refusing your natural desire to beat the living
daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Support the Arts – shoot a rapper.
Support your local coroner – die strangely.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Sure, God created man before woman, but you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!
Sure, you might get lost...but don't worry, you're biodegradable!
Taglines are like cars - You get a good one, then someone nicks it.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Talk is cheap because supply is greater than demand.
Tap with hammer here for "breaking glass" sound effect.
Telling teenagers the facts of life is like bathing a fish.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to a man's heart these days is through his computer.
The best way to a man’s heart is with an axe.
The better the four-wheel drive, the further out you get stuck.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball when you get
caught stealing, you're out.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill
them.
The fastest you can accelerate an Apple Mac is 9.8 m/s.
The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
The future isn't what it used to be...
The grass is always greener on the side that is watered.
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough
sleep.
The marvels of today's modern technology include: the development of a soda can, which when discarded will last forever... and a $7,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
The more you say, the less people remember.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The road to success is always under construction.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The trouble with being on time is that no one is around to verify it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates
how difficult it was.
The trouble with reality is, there's no background music.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The worst thing about censorship is
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
There are two types of people – those who fit into two types of people and those who don’t.
There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
There's no point in being grown up if you can't act childish.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
They say that work never killed anyone, but why take a chance on being the first casualty?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This product has been cruelly tested on cute furry animals.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
To err is human, to moo, bovine.
To have teenage children is to know that you are alive, just as having a headache is
proof that you have a head.
Toys today are so sophisticated they play with each other.
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an aeroplane.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro-- (I came, I saw, I stuck around)
Veni, Vidi, Vege-- (I came, I saw, I had a salad)
Veni, Vidi, Visa-- (I came, I saw, I did some shopping)
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Wastebasket: Something to throw things near.
We fight to great disadvantage when we fight with those who have nothing to lose.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and those great big furry spiders.
Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?
What do you mean you don't staple diskette labels on?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
When I die I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather did – not like the screaming
passengers in his car.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually
the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
When it comes to cars, it's tough to drive a bargain.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever I get all the answers, someone changes the questions.
Who's General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
Why be afraid of heights when it's the ground that kills?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called shipment, but when you
transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why remember quotes when you can make them up?
Women don't make fools of men. Most them are the do-it-yourself types.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Writing a book is a novel idea.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you've got
something.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
You can't have everything – where would you put it?
You don't need to know all the answers. No one is smart enough yet to ask you all the
questions.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used
against you.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt.
(P.S. This also works with men.)
"You may call me Ishmael; I may not answer you, but you may call me Ishmael."
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
You take my breath away. Now, give it back, I need it.
You're a genius if you fly a kite during a thunderstorm, and discover that lighting is
electricity -- but you're an idiot if you fly a kite during the thunderstorm, and discover that lighting can kill you
You're only young once; you can be immature forever.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
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