I began this project with a few modest intentions. First was simple to get myself into writing regularly again. The other reason was a bit more complex. I'm a fairly honest person. I wear my heart on my sleave and I don't really have alot of faces. When one gets to know me, they really do KNOW me. This is not to say I'm without depth. But I'm the sort of person one can grow to trust. Count on if you will. And I was under the impression that my journal entries being posted for public veiw would only add to the general aura of honesty I surround myself with anyhow. I do enjoy sharing my life with others very much. I thought that the long hard road was a way to do that. And that it would have very little negative effect on my life. Sadly I was mistaken.
The other mourning I was discussing the complex issues of this life we lead with my roommate... no not really... I'm not sure what we were talking about but I'm fairly possitive that it wasn't complex, nor had anything to do with life's issues. It was more likely a discussion regarding food, or pathetic lack there of... Anyhoo, for some reason that escapes me we began to bicker, and he brought up my need for people to pitty me. This being totally erronious, I except pity from no one. He pointed out a journal entry of mine from new years eve. It wasn't the most upbeat thing that's every come from me, but it wasn't exactly a suicide note... Well, I guess it was a suicide note, but let's not get off the subject. For some reason it's negativity seemed a cry for help to... well... anyone who could read. This seriously pisses me off. Mainly because the bastered had a very valid point. And I hates it when my room mate wins arguements. I wanted to be honest and open about how I feel. Usually I try to be funny, but sometimes I need a little room to vent. I was in a dark place in my life and my journal entries reflected that. So it's time for this to end. I no longer want to apear as needy. And I certainly do not want to cause worry. Also it seems that people think I am taking personaly shots at them all the time. I have constantly apologize to people every time I say something that might be taken the wrong way. So that's my practical reasoning behind putting this activity on hold...

Now for the real reason... I'm fucking sick of being open. Honesty is weakness. And every fucking person I meat would rather stomp my brains out then get to know me. Bastered apes. When I make a friend I try to bring them in close... and all I ever seem to get is stabbed in the fucking back. Imposters. Fuckers. Honerless drones. Not a single one of these bastereds gives a shit about me. The only real friends I have are the people who had to work to get to know me. Real friends are always there. When ever you need them. Needing nothing in return. Fuck honesty, and fuck being open...

That's the last little bit of truth that I leave you all with. Here we are at the end of the road. I started this cause I thought it would bring people closer to me. Help me make connections. All it did was open yet another vulnerable spot. A new weakness in my armor. Well fuck it. If some one wants to get to really know me then they'll have to work for it. If not. Well... honestly it's thier loss. I recently thought I made some serious connections with some people. I thought I'd made some new friends. But I guess not. This is the last free emotion anyone will ever get out of me...

I will never understand why people I love turn thier backs on me... all I know is that eventually, they all do.






Oh, and... Fuck you too.

*the comments expressed in this journal entry are in no way directed at any one idividual or group.
**the above disclaimer is in no way an attempt to hide any ill will toward any one individual or group and individuals.
***The above discalaimer of the above disclaimer is in no way an attempt to be sarcastic in anyway... honest.