you have no idea. sooo... I have this sorta problem. I don't want to be in love, really don't want to be in love. No really, i really, really, really, want a cupcake, i mean fall in love, don't want, to fall in love, mmmmm cupcake....

Where am I, oh ya, so love right, I don't want it. The last time I was with someone I was miserable. Totally. yet, I'm always sizing people up. Everyone, well ladies anyways, some ladies... you know what I mean. Everyone I'm around. I can't stop thinking, "would I be good with this person", or "does so and so like me", or "should I go after such and such", or "do I have any cupcakes hidden in my kitchen", ya know, stuff like that.

I mean what the fuck. Why would I be doing this all the time if I didn't want a girlfreind.... I ask you... well... don't just sit there... answer me you bastered... fuck you then.

Here's a theory. it's been so long since the last time I was really IN LOVE with someone, maybe I'm starting to forget what it's like. What it was that made me so totally miserable. Or maybe it's that I'm only remembering the good things. Waking up next to someone. The sex. Knowing that atleast one person in this entire world gives a flying fuck about you. Sliding the tips of my fingers across her cheek in the mourning while we're laying face to face, while dawns light caresses face, gracing her with it's beauty, allowing myself to space the existance of anything outside of that moment....

if only that was all it was. no cheating and lieing, no pain and hate. no knives and awkward explanations to the police.

I guess I do kind of miss it. I think that maybe some one exists out there that will only bring me the good without the bad. I can't help but to look for this person everywhere I go...

Maybe I'm just sick of being so gosh darn alone... maybe I miss the sex... maybe I miss the spousal abuse... no... I really did hate what happened to me last time, and I hate her even more for doing it to me... The thought of feeling that way again makes me sick to my stomach, still, I can't wait till it happens again... anyhoo... who knows. fuck this, I need a cupcake.