Timothy Seventh
episode 17
Zanferbach's new body

ACT 1

(if your looking for an explanation for the following your going to have to make it up yourself. because i don't have one. nor am i going to waste any time dreaming one up. it's not that i lack the creativity, i'm just lazy... and half assed nonsenceicle plot lines have gotten us this far, so why stop now. right, now that's out of the way we can get on to what's important, dandylions. it's a little known fact that vampyres dream about one thing and one thing only... picking dandylions, frolicking through brilliantly green pastures, sun glaring down upon them, skipping along with a woven basket slung about one arm stuffed to the brim with little yellow flowers. I'm making the assumption there's a very humoris and elaberate antidote that explains this. but i don't know it. sides all you really need to know is dandylions were what zanferbach had on his mind as his eyes slowly came to focus and he realized some odd creature was sitting infront of him. at first he thought it had long horns jutting from it's crown and he became quite alarmed, then he realized a pair of blue EARS was what he was looking at. it was a bunny, a blue fuzzy stuffed toy bunny. he immediately began to calm, only to suddenly panic once he discovered he was sitting up right in front of a mirror.)

Zan> A FUCKING BUNNY!

(the door leading from the backroom to the kitchen flew open with such force the knob impailed into the wall behind it.)

Zan> you turned me into a fucking bunny rabbit!
Tim> {Y}es! (he smiled broadly) and you should know how lucky you are that book had a spell in the back that turned dolls into living creatures... otherwise you might have woken up a cockroach.

(this fortunate turn of advents brought shockingly little comfort to zanfer's little bunny heart.)

Zan> You do understand i must kill you now?
Tim> aaaahhhh.... are you gonna try to wrap your wittle bunny hands around my neck?

(Tim walks over and leans down to pet his cuddly buddy.)

Zan> lay a hand on me and you'll pull pack a bloody stump.
El> hey, (elguapo slides through the wall to the right of tim.) jinkies, what in jesus's foot holes is that!?!?
Tim> it's Zanferbach... the cutest cuddliest vampyre bunny wabbit in all the whole wide world... yes you are!
El> and he.... works, i mean, he can talk?
Zan> yup.
El> and walk?
Zan> yup.
El> and....
Zan> and seek out bloody nocturnal vengence? can and will.
El> coooo.... so you can see out of thoughs eyes...

(EL leans down and flicks Zan's left eye producing an audible *tink*)

Zan> AAACCCCHHH! (he rapidly flails his arms over his violated plastic ocular organ.) You bastered! don't fucking do that!
El> so what did you have to get in order to get the animate doll spell to work.
Tim> not much... just some wolfbane, white sage, a human heart... oh and a dash of ginger spice.
El> so is that why our landlord is laying lifeless in the hall with a crater in his chest?
Tim> {Y}es! and i owed him a lot of money... two birds, one stone... and a rather sharp knife.
El> your ingenuity is beyond words.
Tim> ahhh.... thanks guap... that means alot to me.
Zan> hey! fun boys... if your done tongueing each others spurt holes maybe we could get back to solving MY little problem.
Tim> and what would that be my hoppy wittle cutesie pie?
Zan> are you kidding?
Tim> WHat? I don't see anything wrong with this, do you el?
El> Nope... I'm fine with it.
Tim> then it's settled... from now on, your a bunny. and your welcome to stay in our guest room. by which i mean in the broken microwave.
Zan> tonight... once your a sleep... I'm going to stuff your eye sockets with razor blades.

(and that boys and girls, was exactly what he did.)


THE NEXT MOURNING


Zan> aaahhhhh.... good mourning everyone. (Zanfer suddenly stopped in his tracks. and stared in shock as he saw both El and Tim sitting at the table, looking totally unharmed.) what?! but.... i killed you! last night, with blades. you bled... and screamed.... it made me happy!
Tim> uhuh...
Zan> but your not dead anymore... or even hurt for that matter!
Tim> nope...
Zan> sooo.... your all better?
Tim> ya.... it's a thing.
Zan> but you did die... right?
Tim> sure did... you can go ahead and kill me again... if you think it'll make you feel any better.
Zan> uh, no, it's cool. my carnal thirst for blood has been quelched ....(zan pulls a chair out and lifts himself up on to it. bringing him just eye level with the corner of the table.) how about some phone books for me to sit on?
Tim> Sure... would you like some coffee too while I'm up?
Zan> thank you, but no. you see I fear i might spill the contents all over the place, on account of me not having any FUCKING FINGERS!

(Zanfer lifts his fuzzy blue stumps over his head and gives them a quick flail.)

Tim> oh... right, well after breakfast we should hop on over to mideons, no pun intended, and see if maybe he could help you out with that. he's probably got some wittle magical fingers or something.
El> hold that thought Tim. i need you to run an errin first. you need to head down town and go see about a man named Sherman Killbody and collect some info. he's Xandor accountant, and one of his many partners in the occult. he has an office on the top floor of the crown building, on fourth street. you know it i trust?
Tim> course... and a.... lets say by some FAR stretch of the imagination i get passed the building security why would this guy even talk to me?
El> cause if he denies your initial request you shall procceed to beat the ever-loving snot out of him until he does.
Tim> sounds like a plan... a plan to get me killed actually.
El> Very possible.
Tim> why not... sound like fun. no wait... actually it sounds painful, humiliating, & pointless.
El> shouldn't be much of a stretch from your normal rutine then.

(There are things that happen in Tim and Elguapo's world that just simple don't in ours. For example when you pop some toaster pastries in the toaster, in a few agonizingly long moments, cooked toaster pastries come springing forth. Tim's world, in contrast, he slips a couple tasty breakfast treats into his toaster, sits down at the table, and in a few moments a spray of blue sparkling light spue forth containing the holographic image of a heavily armored dread demon. See the difference?)

Dread> TIMOTHY SEVENTH and ELGUAPO Q. GOMEZ!
Tim> (unimpressed) Sup?
Dread> Nadda... how goes?
Tim> eh...
El> not to put a damper on your cool entrance or anything... but you guys do know we have a phone.
Dread> Gee, that's swell. Look. We're doing our semi-annual progress report on all our agents, and we came across your case file... okay. (the image of a stone tablet materializes in his hands) Heres the thing guys. You've been on the payroll for some thirty-eight days. and so far you've done... let's see here... uh ya, absolutely nothing.
EL>Nothing?
Dread> Yes... according to this you've accomplished zip, zero, nadda, nothing, bubkus, a precise and exact figure of fuck-all. So it'd be just super if you could give us some idea of how your current case is coming along.
Tim> our current case?

(the thing about dread demons is that they were bred to instill a sense of... well, dread. so they never really come across as appearing pleased, or, much like my last girlfriend, anything less then hideous. But the look on this dread demons face was, even for a demon, sour.)

Dread> You are to locate, then terminate one Xandor W. Gomez. Ring a bell.
Tim> (to elguapo) W?
El> Wasteofsperm.
Tim> did his parent hate him?
El> oh... no, family name.
Dread> excuse me, gentlemen. can we at least try to stay on topic for more then a sec... what's with the rabbit?
Tim> that's zanferbach... he's a vampyre!
Zan> GRRRR!
Dead> (puzzled) ahuh?
Tim> oh... Xandor! RIGHT! it's not going so well.
Dread> have you located the target?
Tim> yes... then the target located my face repeatedly with his fist.
Dread> so he's not dead?
Tim> i think he might've stubbed his toe when he was merciless stomping me into oblivion.
Dread> this isn't a game mister Seventh. We here at Purgatory do not make a habit out of fooling around. The next time you hear from me you've had better made some progress. Or else...
El> (deffyantly) Or else what?
Dread> I'll write a memo to my supervisor...
El> Oooooo.... scary
Dread> out of your blood! On the eight by eleven inch strip of flesh I'll personally slice from your rotting carcasses.

(and with that the light vanished.)

El> well that was unpleasant. guess you'd best be hurrying up with that little thing we discussed.
Tim> I'll do it right after i eat my... OH GOD!

(he raced over to the toaster, but alas... he was... to late. the pop-tarts had gone all burnt and bubblely... like a shaved and greased guinea pig, lightly frosted, carefully smashed, then placed loving into a microwave and cooked on high for one and a half too two minutes.)

Tim> they will pay for this... (raising his fists towards the ceiling) do you hear me... YOU WILL PAY!
El> Of course they will. All our meals get written off on our expense report.
Tim> oh... (calming ) that'll work.


>END<


this episode was pre-screened at the St. Louis comic-con on January 28, 2005. after which there was a questions and comments session with the writer, Sean O'Shea. the following is a verbatim transcipt of that session.

OK... LET ME START OFF BY INTRODUCING MYSELF, MY NAME IS SEAN, AND I WROTE AND DIRECTED THE EPISODE OF TIMOTHY SEVENTH THAT YOU JUST SAW. I'M HEAR TODAY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS, OR LISTEN TO ANY... UMM... COMMENTS OR MAYBE PRAISE, THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE OF THE SHOW. WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO FIRST. UM... HOW ABOUT YOU. YA THE ONE DRESSED LIKE FRODO BAGGINS.

ACTUALLY I'M A MORLOCK, FROM UNCANNY X-MEN NUMBER *197.

YA THAT SUCKS. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION.

IT'S REALLY MORE OF A COMMENT.

UH YAH, GO AHEAD.

THAT WAS FUCKING LAME!

WHAT? WHY?

IT JUST DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENCE.

WHAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENCE?

NONE OF IT... IT WAS ALL VERY FUCKING STUPID.

COULD YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

FIRST OF ALL, AT THE BEGINNING IT SAID THE DANDILION THING WAS IMPORTANT.

YA?

WELL IT WASN'T... IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING. IT DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE IN THERE.

OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T GET THE METAPHOR.

METAPHOR?!?! WHAT METAPHOR?

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE MOVE ON. GIVE ME ANOTHER EXAMPLE.

OK, WELL, IF HE COULDN'T HOLD ON TO THE COFFEE MUG THEN HOW DID HE MANAGE TO FILL TIMS EYES WITH RAZOR BLADES?

JEDI MIND TRICK.

YOUR KIDDING.

NOPE, ALL VAMPYRE ARE SKILLED IN THE WAYS OF THE JEDI. I THOUGHT EVERYONE NEW THAT.

ALRIGHT OBE-ONE THEN EXPLAIN THIS!

SHOOT.

WHY THE HELL DID HE HAVE TO CUT A HOLE IN HIS LAND LORDS CHEST JUST TO GET GINGER SPICE?

the questions and comments session was ended early when the writer of the episode proceded to severly beat a hobbit about the head and neck was his microphone.