You’ll never believe what happened to me while I was waiting for the bus the other day.

It was a average November day, and I, as per usual, was waiting for the #7 bus to go buy groceries. By buy of course, I mean steal, and groceries of course, I mean cigarettes and cough syrup. When a very nice young lady and what seemed to be her... um... brother, approached me. She asked me if I was looking for a good time. “Like a game of POGS?” I asked. She stared blankly at me for a while. “We’re talk’n bout loven man!” said her um.... brother. Oh, I got it. She must’ve thought I’m pretty attractive. Can’t say as I blamed her. And She was on the better side of non-repulsive. The dude followed up with, “you’ve never been fucked, till you’ve been soul fucked.” I don’t really know what that means. I was going to come back with “Actually... you’ve never been fucked till you fuck in a truck stop bathroom at three am, with a girl with four nipples and six toes, bent over a sink while a rabid racoon runs laps around your feet!” but I decided that maybe I shouldn’t disclose that particular piece of my past quite at this point in our friendship. “So you down or what?” Said the nice gentleman. “Sure” I replied, “I’m always... Down.”

The two of them led me to a really nice motel, just down the road. It must’ve been a very classy place cause they let you pay by the hour. I can only imagine how much it must’ve cost to stay there an entire night! The nice girl’s nice brother paid for the room. “You’re a really nice guy” a told him. He gave me another really weird look. He led us to our room, then left me and his sister all alone. She looked at me. I looked at her. What can I say, it was obviously love. She kissed hard on the mouth, her spit tasted like a cross between cheap bourbon, latex, and that funny smell that Anna always had on her cloths when she’d been meeting with her professors after class. She tossed me on the bed, removed my pants, and then she... well, I’d love to tell you what she did, but I don’t think I can spell it... let’s just say I was a very nice thing to do for someone you’ve just met. Wow! I thought. I never knew falling in love could be so easy... and quick... and funny smelling.

The love quickly ran off about the time her gentleman friend came back in with a gun, raving something about my impending need to give him the contents of my wallet. (An expired condom, a receipt from a Hot Topics, Anna’s “lost” drivers license, some POGS, my wallet sized autographed picture of Sporty Spice, and roughly thirty six cents.) I was going to see if he wanted to trade for the contents of his wallet instead; (His NA thirty day chip, a United Way donation thank you card, a Republican party membership, an autographed picture of George W. Bush, Anna’s phone number, and about fifty bucks.) What I had intended to say was, “This is not the time for a practical joke!” what came out was “ERG ADDZ MUK ESTLAN FIZK” which for those of you unfamiliar with demon talk, means something along the lines of “hold that thought whilst I liberate your skeleton from your body by way of your mouth.” And believe it or not that’s exactly what I did. I was pretty sure that feat was impossible, I learn something new every time my demon self goes on a rampage. The details of the next twenty four hours are a little fuzzy, But I did find a bloody pacifier in my jacket pocket the next day. Wait, it’s not as bad as you think, I’m pretty sure I was just killing Ravers.

Anyhoo... I love your magazine. I hope you publish this.
Hugs and Kisses,
TiMoTHY SeVeNTH

P.S. ERCL GADZ ZIMZY BACH