For the first six years of my life, I lived in an apartment in Bayside, Queens, New York, with my mom and dad, and my sister when she was born. In 1983, we moved to a nice, big victorian-style house in Bayside that ruled. My sister and I were little hellions, though, and by the time we moved out in 1989, the house was literally falling apart. Also, we had a ceptic tank underground in the backyard, and we never mowed the lawn back there, and so the grass got all deformed and mutated and crap. It was cool.
We decided to leave Bayside in 1989, and we moved to a town called South Plainfield, in central New Jersey. For the first two years, I hated that town with all the fires of my soul, but now, I can't picture life any other way, so it all worked out.
Camille Deutsch is my mother. She used to be a hippie back in the day, and then she was a New York City school teacher (that's right, don't mess with her), and then she stopped being a schoolteacher because of me, and now she's a schoolteacher again, this time in South Plainfield. So, she can kick all the kids' asses, because they're a bunch of suburban punks. She can cook a mean chicken noodle soup...
David Deutsch is my father. Based on some older pictures of him from the '70s, I'm trying to figure out whether he was a member of the Sex Pistols, or an original member of Spacehog, before they released that album in 1996 and got famous. See the picture? You decide.
I'm proud to say that it's well-known throughout South Plainfield that my parents are The Greatest Parents Ever.
My sister is Jaclyn Deutsch, also known as "Jackie," "Smacko," and "Jack Daniels." She was born on February 2, 1981, so she's a Groundhog Day baby. Once upon a time, she was normal, but then something happened and now she's some sort o' wild cross between Claire Danes' character from "My So-Called Life" and Alicia Silverstone's character from "Clueless." But that's okay. She is going to college in the fall, and words cannot describe how old that makes me feel.
Antonio J. Sarnicola is my grandfather on my mother's side of the family. I'm not gonna outright state on this page that he is connected with the Mob, but I'm not gonna deny it, either. Or maybe I should deny it, for my own protection. Umm... he's not in the Mob. It's just a rumor. Yeah, that's it. And did I mention he's the Greatest Grandparent Ever? Because he is. Even though he's a Yankee fan.
I have two uncles on my mom's side of the family, too. One of them is named Frank Sarnicola. It's weird, because throughout my entire life, he's had a mustache, and then this past Easter, it was GONE! I was like, "What the hell?! Where'd Uncle Frank's mustache go?!" It was weird. At family holidays, I used to do these "interview" thingies where I'd ask everyone a holiday-related question, and Uncle Frank's answer was always six times longer than everyone else's combined. Uncle Frank is married to Aunt Bev, who's birthday is a day after my dad's, so back in the old days we used to have a combined birthday party for them. We don't do that anymore; why, I do not know. Uncle Frank and Aunt Bev have two daughters, my cousins Jennie and Jessie. Many years ago, Jennie, Jessie, Jackie, and I used to play this hide-and-seek-type game called "The Hiding Game," which, now that I think about it, was EXACTLY like hide-and-seek, just with a different name. In any event, it was pretty cool. Also, we used to play a game called "Dunking Machine" in the pool, and one time, one of them dunked my arse and I got my feet caught in the tube and I almost drowned. That would've sucked.
My mom's other, younger brother is named Anthony Sarnicola. He's an artist and he's made a whole bunch of awesome art things, like the Jesus sculpture with the hypodermic needles sticking out of him, and that one that we had a picture of hanging on our refrigerator, and the Marlboro Man, which is a six-foot man made completely out of hundreds of Marlboro cigarette packages. Also, the plaster casts of women's breasts are pretty cool. He should teach me how to do that. A few years ago, Uncle Anthony married Regina, who is the only aunt I have that I don't call "Aunt." I guess that's because she was Regina to me before she was Aunt Regina, so it became natural, or something. Anyway, back when I used to write my "Nagging Girl" books, Regina liked to read them, and I guess she was, like, the series' number one fan, or something. That was pretty cool. One of these days, I'm gonna write another damn "Nagging Girl" book. But I digress. In November, 1995, Uncle Anthony and Regina had their first kid, named Madeleine. She is the coolest baby of all time because she said "Monkey girl" and then she started saying "Oh shit." And plus, she likes to sneak up and throw stuffed animals at you and laugh. She's now starting to be able to express her feelings more clearly, and already, the conversations have been stimulating.
I've had lots of pets during my life, too. My first pet was a dog named Charlie, who I didn't know very well because he died when I was an infant. But from what I've been told, he was the Smartest Dog Ever. My next dog was a purebred golden retriever named Sandy - a beautiful creature. Too bad the dog was a damn idiot, and he ran away, never to be seen again. My dad was pissed. My next dog was a mutt named Smokey, who wasn't too bright, but man, was he tough. When we lived in Bayside, he ruled over the other neighborhood dogs with an iron paw. And plus, he loved to have fun. By the time we moved to South Plainfield, though, he was on the decline, and he sadly was put to sleep in 1992. He was the Best Dog Ever. Now, the streak of dogs has ended, and for the past four years (maybe more... I've lost track already), we've had these two wacky cats named Peaches and Cream running 'round the house. They're pretty cool, all things considered.
