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The ensuite bathroom is the second smallest room in the apartment, but one of the most used rooms. The door is at the foot of my bed and it within easy sleepwalking distance. The room comprises of a huge shower, wash basin and toilet. On the walls is a large hollywood style mirror and a good sized cabinet with a mirror door. This contains all of my essentials, such as bottles of aftershave lotion, toothbrushes, combs, razor etc. There is also a cabinet under the wash basin that houses soap, shampoo, conditioner, oils etc. A set of bi-fold doors, with coloured opaque glass inlays, separates this room from the main bedroom.

Vacation time had arrived again for me, so it was out with the world map to search for this years holiday destination.

As I am a well known tight arse with my money, I needed to find a country where I could spend my time but not my hard earned money. (With regard to money, some people say that I am money mad. This is true. I don't have a lot of spare cash and that makes me very mad.)

My index finger traced over the various countries of the world until it settled on a small country in South East Asia called Thailand.

My school geography lessons taught me that the West discovered the East a millennium ago, and that westerners started to trickle into the Eastern countries during the 16th century.

Thailand has an abundance of natural resources, ideal growing conditions, a wealth of natural beauty, a stunning cultural tradition revealed in dazzling architecture and art, with warm, friendly people.

The name "Thai" means "free."

I sat back in my chair and pondered that four letter "F" word. It sounded like music to me..."Free"

I folded up the map. A "free" Thailand is my kinda place. Money might not be everything, but it's way ahead of what ever is coming second, and the only reason I bought my home next door to the bank is so that I would be close to my money.

My travel agent booked me onto a British Airways flight and handed me the bill. I don't mind getting bills, it's paying them that upsets me however, I have a sure fire way of reducing bills - I put them all on micro film.

I packed my bags and headed for the airport. Before long I was seated with a plane load of other excited tourists. One chap sitting in an aisle seat was trembling, biting his fingernails and had turned a bright green colour. This worried me a bit. He wasn't a passenger on his first airflight, he was the pilot.

The air hostess was pumping a number of stiff brandies into him. Before long his green colour turned to a bright red and he staggered up to the cockpit with a silly grin on his face.

I settled back to read my book "Jockey's Knock," by Rhoda Loozer. The fat women sitting next to me was reading "The Wrong Girdle." by Titus Kanbee.

The flight was uneventful and rather boring, except for the inflight movie. It was so good that no body noticed that our drunken pilot was performing daredevil loops with the Jumbo. The hostess disappeared everytime I needed a beer. She was probably too busy serving the pilot with bottles of brandy.

Before long we touched down at Bangkok Airport. I had arrived in the "Land of Smiles," or as I had been promised, "The Land of the Free." I followed the line of people out of the plane to the Customs desk. I don't know why the Customs Officials bother to compare the passport photos to the owner of the passport standing before them. We Europeans all look the same to them.

It was then out to find a taxi to take me to Pattaya Beach. My first indication that this "Land of the Free" was a total myth, was after arguing with the taxi driver. He insisted on charging me. It should have been a free ride as he was such a bad driver. It was fortunate that the road turned at the same time that he did, otherwise we would have skidded off into the trees.

To make matters worse, on the way down to Pattaya Beach, the taxi had a puncture. It was all the fault of the driver. I told him to watch out for the forks in the road.

Two hours later we arrived in Pattaya Beach. To my disgust the driver asked for a tip. I actually gave him two tips - buy a better car and, learn how to drive.

Pattaya Beach is 120 KMS southeast of Bangkok. It has long reigned as Thailands premier beach resort, regarded as Asia's Riviera, with an abundance of sea, sand and sun. It consists of two main roads running parallel to the 4KM bay. Numerous sois (lane ways) connect both roads and all roads had sois are dotted with hotels of varying standards.

Pattaya has a large night time entertainment area, full of bars, bars and more bars. There are also dining and shopping areas. Each bar is staffed by large numbers of Thai girls who look upon all males drinkers as potential clients for their after hour hotel room activities. These girls will do almost anything in the bar to make themselves appealing to the guys. Once the girl has been "bar fined" by the customer, they will again do almost anything to ensure a good "tip" in the morning.

Scores of food stalls and itinerant vendors selling Buddhas, leather goods, copy watches, clothing etc., line the streets...and again to my horror, they expect tourists to pay for these goods. Where the hell is the "free" stuff?

My hotel was situated on Soi Ten, a very central location. My room was on the ninth floor with a glorious sea view. I soon learned that the maids at this hotel were a very boisterous and noisy young lot. I had to get out of a warm bed at four in the morning to let them out of my room.

During the daylight hours, Jomptien Beach is a popular destination to soak up the sun. Para-sailing, jet skiing and water skiing is available for those who want to burn up energy. Lazing in a deck chair, perving at the scantily clad female bodies, getting a relaxing beach massage is available for those who don't want to exert themselves. One downside is the polluted sea water at the beach. Authorities have installed water treatment plants which has certainly helped, but there are still some days when the pollution is so bad the fish are coughing.

Another downside to sitting at the beach all day is sunburn. I made the mistake of sun baking for five hours. I was so cooked I turned into the toast of the town. I soon learned that the best way to prevent getting sunburned was to wear an overcoat whilst on the beach.

There are some interesting places outside of Pattaya that are well worth a visit. One such place is Bangsaen, another coastal town with beautiful beaches. It also boasts a mountain literally crawling with wild monkeys.

For the one hour drive to Bangsaen, I hired a jeep. Any motor vehicle hired in Thailand, rarely comes with insurance cover, so one needs to be extremely careful about causing any damage.

The jeep I chose looked very impressive and was super quiet - until I started the engine. It reminded me of a Rolls. Not a Rolls Royce...a "rolls." It only went fast rolling downhill.

I couldn't work out why the tyres had little hairy things stuck all over them, until I realised that they were toupees covering the bald patches.

Despite all the faults, the jeep did get me there and the wild monkeys took a real liking to it. I had one hell of a job getting them out.

I ate a delicious sea food meal at the local restaurant and on the return trip to Pattaya, visited the open plains zoo.

Pattaya has a wild night life. Literally hundreds of bars stay open at least until the last drinker staggers out. Most bars in the busy areas operate 24 hours a day. I can't understand why all this alcohol is bad for the health. Whisky improves with age, scotch improves with age, bourbon improves with age. Why aren't we drinkers improving with age?

I met a beautiful Thai girl at one beer bar and I decided to take her home. It was so romantic. Her head was on my shoulder and somebody else was carrying her feet.

If you would like to see me with a very cute Thai girl I found in one of the bars, click here.

The tourist soon learns that the bar girls are really only gold diggers. Most of them could be used in medical research as they are obviously human gimme pigs. The easiest and quickest way to meet these girls is to open your wallet. Obviously wearing your very best after shave lotion, and clipping your finger nails is no longer enough to attract these Asian chicks.

By now I was becoming quite disillusioned about this "Land of the Free" thing.

Other night time attractions are Go Go Bars, where absent minded Go Go Girls forget to wear their bikinis whilst dancing to the music. If you would like to see two photos of the girls, click here and here. Extremely crowded discos where sweaty, writhing bodies grind away to the thumping dance hits. Cabarets where Thai Transvestites strut their stuff. There are also a few night clubs where international acts perform. I spent most of my night life in various bars and night clubs, quite often returning to my hotel room well after the next days sun had arisen.

After about ten days of this reckless living, it was time to pack my suitcase and head to North Thailand - destination Chiang Mai.

I wanted to see the hill tribes where opium is cultivated and smoked, and I wanted to see the place where the borders of Burma, Laos and Thailand meet - The Golden Triangle.

I took a train from Bangkok. It was a second class sleeper and it rattled through the northern Thailand country side. Chiang Mai is 710 KMS from Bangkok and is 305 meters above sea level. The temperature in the mountains is a lot cooler and the air much fresher.

It was good to finally get off that rattler of a train. I found that sleep was impossible and no food was served, other than coffee and fruit.

Chiang Mai is a beautiful city with many temples, both ancient and modern, as well as huge images of Buddha, scattered all over the place. It has a history as old as the Thais themselves. Its story began further north in Chiang Rai where King Mengrai founded the city in 1281. Following several wars, Mengrai established the new capital, Chiang Mai in 1296.

The city is quite easy to explore and I filled three days romping around looking at all the attractions. I visited a hill tribe where I took photos of one of the tribesmen smoking opium. If you would like to see this photo, click here. It is the first time I have ever seen perfume being smoked.

                    

I took a trek on the back of an elephant, visited many handicraft centres where I saw everything from umbrella making, designs being made from broken egg shell fragments, to the carving of life size wooden elephants. Leading a large bull elephant is quite easy. All you need to do is tie a rope on him, find out which way he wants to go, and hang on for dear life.

Next stop was the airport. There was no way I was getting back on that train. At the airport there was a group of tourists waiting there. They also had been visiting one of the hill tribes. They were already flying but hadn't yet boarded the plane. I guess they had been sniffing too much of that opium perfume.

I was thankful the flight to Phuket was short as I was seated next to a drunk who was so big he had two hangovers. The hangover from the night before and the rest of his body that couldn't fit into his seat and was hanging over into mine. It was obvious that the only exercise this lump ever got, was hiccupping.

Phuket is one of Thailand's most beautiful islands, and has been a popular tourist destination since the 1970's. Its glory lies in its beaches and it has a wealth of them. The most developed beach is Patong, which has grown from a tiny fishing village in the early 1970's to a fully developed town comprising of hotel resorts, supermarkets, shopping arcades etc.

The entertainment scene is somewhat subdued when compared to Pattaya Beach, with tourists mainly interested in the day time activities.

Hotel prices are much more expensive than prices in Pattaya. I bartered with many hotel managers until I got a room at a price I was prepared to pay. Some hotels are so expensive it would be better for the tourist to stay at home and just let their minds wander.

I took a motor cycle ride around the coast line, "discovering" many of the smaller beaches. I also took an interesting boat cruise that stopped at some of the smaller islands where fascinating limestone caves can be explored.

All too soon, I was on my flight back to Bangkok Airport to meet my connecting flight home to Australia. My suitcase was crammed with my purchases of clothing, leather goods and other bargains too good to leave behind.

These were purchased at times when my hand was able to find its way to the bottom of my pockets.

Thailand may not quite be the "Land of the Free," but it is certainly "The Land of Smiles" and well worth the visit.