I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned - that it's not what you have in your life that counts but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned - that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned - that modern maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the fuck-up, and the missing one will be there for "you".

I've learned - that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned - that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned - To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.