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I was born on 18.2.1959 in a small regional city Jihlava, the youngest son of three. I came to this world at home but directly after that I left to the hospital. I returned home after 10 months because my palate and upper lip was cleft on both sides. Directly through my palate was the hole to my nose which was deformed, too. It was the reason for my all troubles in the future.
First, I recognized that I am different from others when I became 4 and a teacher in kindergarden refused to take me there. Her reason ? She did not want to speak with me because it was very difficult to understand me and then she told my mother that children whould be disgusted by me. My mother decided on the best solution and I stayed at home to my 6 years old. I passed four operations during this time.
My brothers Petr /7 years older/ and Pavel /2 years older/were really nice to me and they looked after me when I was a small child.Feelings of loneliness came later to me. Fortunately I had good luck with my grand mother. She taught me love literature, animals and nature.
I remember her well. She read me books and we listened to radio where we heard books by R.Kipling, E.T.Seton and other authors. When she died later, an empty place stayed in my heart. I was 13 at that time and I recognized that I was not able to cry for her death but all the pain stayed deep in my heart.
At school I was really happy with other children. I always wanted to be just like them. My speech became better by then.. My troubles were mainly with adults. I had a lot of unpleasant situations when I had to repeat my name or some words many, many times because the other side did not understand me or did not want to understand me. Once every three months we went to the doctor for control to the city Brno,which is 1.5 hours from Jihlava. We mostly went there by train with my mother but from time to time we went by bus, too. Here was another awful experience with people.The bus was mostly full and we had to stay there. I was sick there but no one said to my mom:" sit down here with your child". Often, people were rude to us.
My life was slowly passing to my 15th year. At that time I became a "lonely warrior".Before my 15 I spent my first Christmas in the hospital.I was happy that my other operations were over but Christmas were sad for me. I spent Christmas Eve absolutely alone in room. At the same time there was one young man who was dying for soft bones( I do not know exactly word in English). Now I know he needed all support from nurses but at that age, I did not understand why it was possible to listen smiles from the other room and I had to sit in a room alone with my pain and sorrow.
I finished basic school and tried to pass exams to high school.I was succesful but we did not know anyone there. I received the decision that I am not to be admitted to the school. Although my favourite subjects at school were history,geography and literature,my parents sent me to the boarding school for technicians in telecommunications. This school was in the city Olomouc(250km from my home). Thanks to this choice I lost contact with all people around me in Jihlava. I started to fight all my battles alone. Thanks my health troubles I was spared attacks from older students at residence hall. Later I was spared of service in the army too. My stay at school was 3 years and I learned to listen to music and to understand it there. I learned to dance at dancing school and I learned to drink for lonelliness too. Mostly I was pleased when we wrote internal newspapers with my other colleagues. I am still really proud of myself when I remember last issue of it.It was completely my own work.(three long stories and two poems)
In my seventeenth year, I passed the next operation. Most of my upper teeth were out and I was severely depressed.One year later I passed my last exam and came home.I started to do work for which I was prepared but I hated it. I dreamt about mountains and love,which did not come.To my 20 birthday I lived in a strange state of searching and lack of understanding.
In 1979 I met group of nice people in a club and I started to go out with them.We had really amusing times together.Every Friday there was evening of music, poetry or photos.Every Christmas Eve we came to our club,sung carols and had fun together. Finally I came to the mountains world with them too. I lost all my shyness. I played on guitar and sung like others. For the first time I felt really happy. Later all of them became married or changed their interests but I did not want to stop it.I wrote some poetry too but I was still looking for love. I learned to play the flute and later it was only my friend on the road time.
In my 19th and 20th years came next two operations. Both of them were very difficult. First, my chin was pressed back a little.After that I could eat only mixed meals for three months,because my teeth were tied together. It was my second Christmas Eve in the hospital. The second operation was one of the worst for me. A tiny piece of gristle from my limbs was taken out and given to bow under eyes.The pain was so big that I was thinking about death.It is necessary to say it was the first andthe last time in my life. In my 23 I passed the last operation number 9 and received dental bridge with upper teeth. I was complete now.Two years later I met girl with sadness in eyes and heart. She is my wife now. She was only one who really wanted me. Other girls in my life were only friends who needed to cry on my shoulder. Very soon I recognized she is the same "lonely warrior" like me. She is much worse because her parents were divorced in her 6th year. Then she lived with her sister and her mother. She met her father in her 15th year again. When she was 16 her sister left them, too. Later her mother became ill with cancer and died after two years. My wife studied at the University and looked after her mother.
She was absolutely depressed after the death of her mother. She was going to forests and mountains for a temporary job and she was looking for peace there.Unfortunately when she crashed at the last exam her psycho was definitely broken. She became ill. She had first attempt at suicide and she was given to a psychiatric hospital. When I met her she had other attemps at suicide and a long stay in the hospital.Immediately, I knew I wanted to help her. At that time I moved to the mountain cottage and worked as a caretaker. In the winter I really enjoyd snow and skiing there.In the summer my girl came to me but something was wrong. When I came to Prague in the autumn and definitely stayed there, she had to go to the hospital again. I visited this hospital and promised myself that she will never came back there. She had her last attempt at suicide but stayed alive. I moved to her flat and started to prepare it for her return. She came home after four months. From that time everything was getting better and after a year we had our wedding day. Our marriage was very nervous and full of arguing in the beginning. My wife Galina was one year older then I and we both lived for a long time in our own style.I started to study at high school and from time to time I was very nervous about exams but I finished school successfully after 4 years. Galina became stronger and stronger.It's true that we passed a lot of sleepless nights when her nightmares came but her vitality was coming back again.The second year of our marriage was really bad because we lost the chance to have a children.The possibility that our child could inherit our health problems was so high that we decided to stay without children.Then our life was passing by quietly and happily. Galina was working for 4 hours a day but later she was able to work for 8 hours. After 7 years she had a new collapse. Fortunatelly I was on the guard. From that time she works only 5 hours again but her old vitality is over. She has never stopped to take her medicine and she has never stopped to visit her doctor.Fortunately life is not only sadness and sorrow but fun and happiness too (from time to time).
Year 2000 became the year of big decisions. After 14 years with my wife I have decided to leave her.I found that the way of my life with her was not way of happiness and love anymore. She just needed someone to clean and keep hosehold, go for a walk with out naughty dog Kim, go for shopping, eventually cook dinner when she did not want to do it. I knew if I stayed to live in Prague or Czech Republic I could not leave her. We were so closed to each other and so many good and bad things happened to both of us. To be honset I could not continue anymore. I had a great job in international company but my returns home became nightmares mainly when I was late. In March 2000 I left on holiday to my friends in La Paz and we discussed all again and again. They offered me to return back to their house and start new life. I agreed. I moved to LaPaz in August 2000 with idea to search my happiness under hot sun of Baja California Sur. I am separated for 15 months now but our divorce will be arranged soon because we both want to live full life. We promised each other to stay friends and help when one of us will need. |
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