ENCOUNTERS OF A GROSS KIND
By: Someone who is too embarrassed to publically acknowledge that he wrote this story.  : )

It started out as a calm, relaxing day.  Outside it was sunny, the birds were chirping, and all seemed right in the world.  Unfortunately, it was not to be.  As I sat down and logged onto the Network, my seventh sense started working.  It was my Nerd Detector sense.  (My sixth sense is my SEX sense.  Don't ask.  )Anyway, my seventh sense told me to look 30 degrees to my right and I did.  There it was, standing before me: Joseph.  Never before has humankind been burdened with such a hellish thing. 

The creature Joseph cannot, under no circumstances, be considered human.  It is a monster, evil and disgusting.  Joseph could be described as a half-bald, short, disgusting, pig.  But that would only be describing his good side.  (if you can even call it that) Its bad side cannot and will not be described by mere words.  And that is all that can be said of its appearance. 

After I had recovered from the shock of seeing the imitation Medusa, I continued on my work, attempting to ignore the fact that the evil creature was breathing down my neck.  I was doing a pretty good job until it spoke.  Never have you heard such an awful whine.  It reminded me of something, I just can't think what. 

Its words were "Hey, have you seen Mark?"

It took me a while to bring up the courage to speak to it.  "No, I have not seen him.  "

It walked away, but I didn't let my guard down since I knew it would come back.  And it did come back.  (About two seconds later)

"Are you sure you haven't seen Mark?"

At this point I was getting rather annoyed with the monster because its voice was giving me an earache, its face was giving me a headache and its smell was clogging my sinuses.  Then IT TOUCHED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Never before have you heard such a bloodcurdling scream.  It broke all the windows and was heard as far away as Ecum Secum. 

Once I had recovered from the initial shock I realized, This thing cannot plight mankind anymore.  I needed to destroy it! But I couldn't do it alone.  I needed the help of my friends.  I looked around and saw who I needed.  Mark Fodder, Diana Ding-Dong, Jeff Balding, Leslie Knots and Sussie IQ.  I called to them. 

"Friends! I need your help to destroy this creature from Hell! Who is with me?"

My friends all looked like they were about to run away but they joined.  Together we would face this animal in the battle of the century...We needed a plan of some sort.  I looked at my comrades and analysed their abilities. 

MARK FODDER: A guy who works out.  Wears the same damn shirt everyday. 
DIANA DING-DONG: ummmmm BIG! (sorry Diana)
JEFF BALDING: B.O. (Need I say more?)
LESLIE KNOTS: Female wrestler. 
SUSSIE IQ: Very intelligent. 

I devised a plan.  "Mark, Jeff! Form tackle positions! Jeff! You'll have to get in close! Your smell will cancel out his!"

The fight began.  Jeff walked towards Joseph, arms high in the air.  The effect was imminent.  Joseph went reeling backwards.  Mark then flew out of nowhere (With nose plugs) and knocked the creature over.  It went flying and smashed into a computer, but the celebration was short lived.  Joseph was getting up again and the close contact with Mark had injured him too severely to fight as his clothing was starting to smolder.(Sorry Mark)

Fortunately, Sussie had an idea up her head.  She reasoned that since the monster's brain capacity was so low, filling its brain with information would cause the brain to explode.  Donning her nose plugs, she walked forward and started shouting facts at him.  Again the effect was imminent.  Joseph's head started to swell as the pressure of the brain started to build up to an enormous intensity.  In a momentary laps of judgement, Sussie paused for a moment to catch her breath; that was just what monster needed.  It walked forward and ripped the nose plugs off of her, turned around and farted.  Poor Sussie crashed to the floor. 

By this time we had outfitted Leslie with a radiation suit.  She walked toward the monster, stopping only to pull Sussie out of the danger zone.  Joseph started running toward Leslie clumsily.  Leslie stepped out of the way and did some sort of wrestling move and smashed Joseph's skull into the floor.  But it got up.  And now it was angry.  It grabbed Leslie but before she could get out of the hold, Joseph had disintegrating the radiation suit and she was barely able to escape the battle zone. 

But Jeff had gotten up now, and in a movement that was very heroic,(or very stupid) ran toward Joseph, turned around and let out the loudest, smelliest, fart you've ever heard.  Joseph was just about to fall on the ground, but Jeff needed an encore of some sort, so he turned around to face Joseph and let out the loudest belch you've ever heard. 

Joseph flew through the air like a rag doll and crashed through the concrete wall.  We all started cheering and Jeff did a victory dance which made him look like he had to go pee.  In all our celebration we failed to notice that Joseph had gotten up and had snuck behind Jeff.  It was horrible.  Joseph had grabbed Jeff in a similar fashion as he had grabbed Leslie,(without the groping) and kissed Jeff on the neck.  Then he let go and Jeff fell to his knees.  His last words were "Dear God!" Then he fell flat on his face. 

It was up to Diana now.  She had a radiation suit on.  She walked toward Joseph and gave it the biggest body check you've ever seen! But she was unsure what to do next. 

"Diana! " I screamed.  "You're going to have to sit on him! ! "

Never have I seen someone build up enough courage as Diana in this moment.  However, While I was explaining that last comment there, Joseph had gotten up again and instead of giving her a bear hug he whispered in her ear, "I love you.  " Diana fainted and threw up at the same time. 

It was up to me now.  I walked toward him.  "JOSEPH! IT IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME NOW! "

"HAVE YOU SEEN MARK ANYWHERE?" was his pathetic reply.  I choose to ignore it. 

"I WILL DEFEAT YOU!"

"NO YOU WON'T" Damn! This guy was getting annoying! I knew there was only one way to fight this evil thing.  I withdrew my light saber.  He did the same.  "LET THE BATTLE BEGIN" I said

Joseph struck first with a downward blow.  I deflected and what happened next was a really fancy fight.  We fought all the way to the third floor and into the penthouse where we saw the body of Sean Cameron.  (Think back to Halloween) The fight then continued to the roof.  At the last second it looked like I was going to chop off his head and send him flying to the ground below, but unfortunately the battery in my saber had run out.  It seems I wasn't using Duracell. 

I threw the saber at Joseph but he dodged out of the way and now was walking quickly toward me, swinging his saber wildly.  It looked like the end for me.  Just as he was about to chop me in to I shouted "WAIT!!!!!!!!! LOOK, THERE'S MARK!!!! RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!"

The fool fell for it.  He turned around, ignoring me.  I grabbed him, but before his sweat and B.O.  could touch me, in an act of superhuman strength, I threw him over my head and through some stroke of luck, Joseph was impaled on the flag staff.  

Epilogue:

After viewing the remains I prepared myself to walk back into the library but had discovered that they were already outside and that Jeff was not dead, but he had a ghastly burn mark on his neck which sort of looked like a hickey I choose not to pursue the issue.