Ok. Where, oh where, to begin. Life has really been on the rocks for us privledged few making for some serious emotional roller coasters.
For me this all started about 6 1/2 years ago. I had married a sweet young thing, whom I will refer to as Sin. We married on July 8th, 1995. For the next 7 months things seemed to be going fine. Well, I was in the Air Force at the time, and had to go away for a month on an Air Force "thing". Thats when it all fell apart.
Within the next 7 months that we were together, we had seperated 3 times and she had slept with 3 different people that I know of. Each time we seperated she moved in with one or more of the guys she was seeing. Finally, on our 1 yr 2 mo anniversary, she decided she wanted a divorce one more time. Now anyone that really knows me knows that I am a stress junkie. I tend to work better, harder, and faster when under stress and/or pressure. On our fourth and final seperation I suffered a nervous breakdown and had a bleeding ulcer that was bad enough to the point that I was throwing up blood. Not too healthy. Things really need to be bad for me to be affected in such a way. At that point I determined that it was no longer a situation I wanted to be in. In fact, it was becoming life threatening. Thus ended my marriage.
Now what I want to know is, what in the world possesses a man to put up with such things? Was it love? Was it religious conviction?
Or is it fear of failure?
I am now the second person in my whole extended family to ever have a divorce. That is not an
easy thing to live with. And this is a large family. This becomes especially true when the majority of them also loved her as one of the family. To this day, it
is still something that hangs over my head when at family gatherings.
And the Earth came to a grinding halt. You'll never guess who I heard from. Sin. She called my parents place and my work trying to figure out what is taking the divorce so long (yes that's right, my divorce isn't final yet). She asked for me to call her back... and I did. I may as well have just taken an eggbeater to my brain. What in the world was I thinking??? I called her up at her work, and she answered. We got to talking, and for the first time in over a year we were civil to each other. And not just civil, but friendly. The more we talked the worse I got. By the end of my conversation I found myself trying to talk her into coming out here to visit. I found myself ready to fulfill promises that I had almost forgotten. I found myself wanting to be with her again. She said that she currently has a steady boyfriend (to which I joked that I was going to steal her back, and she responded with a giggle). I may be finding myself resurrecting feelings that I had long since burried, but I don't want her back like that. If we were to get together again, I would want it to be her coming to me an already single woman. I don't want to have to "steal" her away from anybody. That's how she and I first got together before we got married... and that's what people did to me while we were married. I will not do that to another person EVER. I know how it feels, and it's the worst feeling I have ever felt... hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. You may say something like "You're her husband, it's not stealing her from anyone". That may be true, but if she were willing to leave her boyfriend for me (by some cruel twist of fate), what's to say that she won't leave me again for somebody else? I could handle if it just didn't work and we ended up going through the divorce anyways, but I couldn't handle that again... it would probably literally kill me.
Now here I sit, a complete frazzle. I had asked my friend "Hot Bunz" (it's a short but amusing story which I will detail in Whats new and happening later) to join me to go to Acapulco. He agreed, and as he and his girlfriend Tinklebell are having problems we decided it was best not to tell her. Also, it would be good for them to spend some time apart. Well, she accidentally intercepted the mailing from the travel company. Without asking him anything about it, she went and got a plane ticket and hotel reservations for herself. We didn't want her to go along, and that was kindof the whole point. It was supposed to be just two guys having a blast. Now I am going to be a third wheel on my own trip! Damnit! After hashing out our anger about the situation, we realized that she can't get her money back so the only solution was for me to find somebody to take myself. So I asked Sin. At first she rejected the offer, but after a little talking that had changed to a "let me think about it". Her primary concern seems to be that her boyfriend wouldn't go for it. The way I figure it, if he was totally secure in their relationship he would let her go (he doesn't have to like it, but would let it happen). Insecurity is a sign of distrust. If there is one thing I have learned is in a relationship, it's that trust is either there completely or not at all. I think I distrusted Sin from the very beginning. She did not deserve that. I should have placed total faith in her. Had I done that, I wouldn't have behaved like such a controlling jerk. It's a lesson learned too late, but will save that from happening in the future.
I must admit I find it amusing to say "She doesn't want to go with her husband because her boyfriend wouldn't like it.".
Never the less, she does not want to get back with me so he has no reason to fear anything from me. She keeps insisting that I wouldn' t want her back... that she's changed. The way I see it, this would be the perfect opportunity to find out. One of two things could come of this trip: she will open her heart up again and maybe set the stage for getting back together farther down the road, OR I will find she is right and I won't want her back. Either way this emotional funpark will be over. She is right in that God has his plan set, so it's just a matter of time before something happens. Prayer works. Sorry people, but this is the last I am going to update this section for a while. As I guess she has become a regular visitor of this page, the last thing I want to do is make her feel like I'm trying to talk her into going by shoving rationalizations down her throat (God knows I did too much of that before). I will make the next update when I feel it's alright.
Alrighty then. The verdict is in, and... she's not going. What is really sick and twisted about that is it's likely to result in Hot Bunz and Tinkle Bell breaking up. Here's the logic behind that. It was recently discovered that Tinkle Bell is in a bit of a spot. Without a second confirmation from another guest that would stay in her room, she has to pay an extra $200 or so (as the price is cheaper with two people staying in a room). Well, she can't afford it. So now her options are don't go, or don't go. If she can't go, then that puts Hot Bunz in a really tight spot. If he doesn't go he's losing the trip of a lifetime, and for that he will resent her... thus they break up. If he does go, she will resent him for going without her, and they break up. Therefore the only way for them to stay together is if they both go. Without one more person, they are doomed... and that is sad because they make a really great couple. So now what do I do? Do I tell Sin about what is happening here in an attempt to talk her into going, or do I just sit back and watch all of this tear my best friend up? I offered to pay for the rest of Tinkle Bells room, but she would not have anything of it (she has alot of pride when it comes to things that could even be remotely concidered "charity"). I did have a short discussion with Sin about why she wasn't going to go, and the conversation ended with "If I break up with my boyfriend and the rest of my life goes to Hell, and everything becomes simple, I will go.". I have never in my life prayed for misfortune to come to someone else (unless I was simply praying that they get what they deserve, what ever it may be), and I'm not about to start. But life can be funny that way. That kind of thing can happen... right out of the blue when you least expect it. Case and point: The night before Sin and I seperated for the last time, we had a wonderful night. I pampered the heck out of her, and we made love for the first time in weeks. Before she and I went to sleep, she said to me that she thought that we going to be alright... that she was ready to make the marriage work. The VERY next day, we seperated, and I was living across the country the day after that. Life happens, and there's little or nothing that we can do about it. We need to take what we get, and make the most of it. Life gave me her, for a short ammount of time. The ride was bumpy to say the least, but I believe it was more than worth it. I learned alot about myself, both good and bad, and it has made me see myself through her eyes... the eyes of a person who at one time loved me. Does God have it his plans for us to get back together? I suppose I just have to wait and find out. I for one, however, have never been the kind to sit back and wait. I make things happen. All I can do now, is pray to God that he keeps me on His path, and to give me the strength to endure it.
Ever really not know what to do? Ever been kinda lost in kindof a limbo state and life just doesn't seem to make any sense, while at the same time making more sense than it ever has before? That's where I am right now. I know that the divorce is the right thing to do, but every now and then a little voice pops up in the back of my head that say "this is a mistake". I am the kind of person to react on instinct and work with gut feelings (and that actually gives me an edge in my profession), and more often than not they're right. In fact, they're right so often it's scary. It's when I stop to think things out that the problems start. After I'm done thinking I tend to wind up in places that have little or no bearing on reality. I jump to the wrong conclusions and have frequently made an ass of myself that way. With this whole thing my gut is telling me "try again... leaving her behind is a mistake". But when I stop to think about it I hear myself saying "get on with life... leave her behind... you are free that way". So which one do I listen to? My friends don't help either. Half of them say "What? Are you stupid? She wrecked your life man! Stay away!". The other half says "You married her. You made the commitment to her and God. Living up to it is the right thing to do.". And the OTHER half (don't ask) say "We don't care man. Do what you feel you have to.". I haven't let my parents in on what has been transpiring as I don't want them to get their hopes up that we may be getting back together. I'm just not sure what I want. I know what I would do in any given situation... except this. But at least the choices are laid out for me... either give up or keep trying. I have never really given up on anything in my life (and I am reather proud of that fact). Something won't let me do it now... and it's my gut.
12/09 Now I'm not sure what to think. As she and I haven't talked for about a week now, I had not had any input from her until today. What I got was an e-mail saying, in a nutshell, "I'm sorry you've been having female problems, but hurry up with the stinking divorce... no offense.". As it seemed before, she realized that it was going to take a while for this to happen. Out of nowhere she decided to call the court out here to see how things are going. Apparently my lawyer had not yet filed the papers, so that's why she wrote the nasty-gram. What makes me wonder about that, is what prompted her to call out to the court in the first place?
She has always hated when I would make little inferences and insights into problems, but as this website is not intended to be centered around her (as much as appearances may contradict that... yes people, I actually read and pay attention to the responsive e-mails =) ) I will go ahead and voice them anyways. I think she's scared. Either I scared her with my words and actions, making her think that I am going to either delay or cancel the divorce (in light of recent happenings), or she scared herself with her own reactions to our new and somewhat awkward relationship. I can understand how she feels in either case. It would be difficult to be trying to get away from someone you no longer have any feelings for, when they still have feelings for you... especially when the only way to escape is in their hands. On the other hand it would be equally hard to find yourself with feelings that had been long since been locked away, and not be able to do anything about it... to not be able to tell anyone for fear of ridicule from family and friends, or the loss of someone else that you care about.
I faced the latter of the two. I found myself living in a world that was both right and wrong at the same time. I felt exactly like the song "It's all coming back to me" by Celine Dion. I knew my friends did not like her at all and would lose a lot of respect for me if I willingly put myself back in a situation that was "self-destructive". But I risked it anyways and told them. After we talked it out, they have a new outlook on the situation and even see her in a little different light. That is why TinkleBell and HotBunz are willing to have her come with to Acapulco should she decide to change her mind. Her friends and family are not nearly as forgiving, supportive, and understanding as mine tend to be. She has to be strong and stand up for herself... either by letting me go, or by facing her family with what she believes in. I'm not sure I want to know which direction this pendulum will swing.
Hm. Well, we did some talking recently and I managed to talk her into signing a concent form for the trip to Acapulco. That is a total lifesaver even if she doesn't go. At least this way we have a spot reserved for whoever doesgo. We had to change the sleeping arrangements to a single 4 person room, as opposed to the two 2 person rooms we were going to have setup. This ends up saving us some money, but unfortunately not enough. It still leaves Tinklebell with more than she can handle. I really hope this whole thing turns out. It is supposed to be a vacation after all.
Speaking of that, Sin and I talked today as well. She didn't want to send in the form because she was worried that she would be somehow obligated to go (or worse, wind up oweing money). Fortunately, she did sign it and send it in. I have been working with one of the owners of the travel company, and he and I have it worked out so that all the responsibility falls on me. That frees her from any obligation, and puts me in the spot of handling everything. That is perfect. Now if we can find someone to go, we will have a pre-paid spot reserved. If she decides to go, then her spot is already there. She told me that the only real thing holding her back is her boyfriend. Apparently he told her that if she goes, he'll just have to find someone else. What amazes me is that he's willing to let her go that easily. I did everything in my power to keep that girl, and she wants to stick with a guy that will let her go at the drop of a hat. I'll never figure her out. While we were talking, she expressed disapproval that I had not updated my webpage in a while. When she did, I responded with "Sheesh! You'd think we were married or something!". I got back the one answer I didn't expect: "We are." In the whole time since we've been talking again she had never once agreed to us still being married, joking or otherwise. If there is one thing I learned, is that you don't smother that girl. Don't make her feel like she's trapped or controlled. If her boyfriend thinks he can control her by threatening to let her go... he may just wind up without her anyways.
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