It is I

Last summer I was concerned about not having a place to live or having a set home of my own. Now I've basically gotten over it. I'm just enjoying being from all over. My car is from New York. I go to school in Massachusetts. I'm staying in California and my kitten is, for the moment, living in Maine. I'm all the place, which is actually turning into a typical thing for me.

Some of the best things that have happened to me haven't been planned. They sort of just work themselves out. It used to be that I was a great planner, to the point where my mother and my sister considered me somewhat of a control freak. Things have definitely changed. It's gotten to the point where if I plan something, it will usually turn out disastrous. If I don't, then everything seems to work out better than expected. Maybe that's because there are no expectations. And if that's the case, then it almost seems like it's a type of defense mechanism. If you don't have these optimistic anticipations then you don't have anything to compare the final outcome too. Doesn't that work out perfectly. But that's starting to get into the whole psychological aspect and I'll just leave that for my friends to analyze.

I like psychology and actually think that I'm pretty good at figuring out people and where their mind frame is coming from. But it just seems like it's a better idea for me to focus on business and finance, probably because my outstanding perception has been diminishing lately. I used to be convinced that I was an excellent judge of first impressions. I could always tell right away if I was going to get along with a person or not. But now it's practically the opposite. So that leaves me in a rough position. Half the time I'm right about my first instinct. The other half I'm completely wrong. That makes it very difficult to make any sort of conclusions.

There are some things that apparently I can always count on:

Every year I'm going to be a year older
No pets allowed in my apartment

I've never been too pleased about the whole getting older thing. This is probably the first time since I was a kid, that I've been happy with my age. 20 was depressing, because it was the first time you're no longer a teenager. You can no longer use that as an excuse to get away with things. After college, I can't imagine what I'm going to do. Right now every sketchy thing I do seems justifiable, simply because,

"I'm just a poor college student."

So for my remaining time in school, I'm just trying to make the most of it. Which means that even though I'm worried about my future I still want to have the best time possible right now. Apparently this attitude hasn't had the most favorable impression on everyone. I've always considered myself a pretty easygoing person, especially when it comes to getting along with people. But the last few months have been less peaceful than usual just because of conflict of interests. I'm not a huge fan of fighting, but I'd rather defend myself than let people walk all over me. And when I say fighting I don't mean physical fighting, I mean more of the argumentative type of fighting. It can be amusing just debating with someone and making them understand your point. It's just another way of getting an adrenaline rush.

Not getting along with people was one of things I was worried about for my upcoming summer. I wasn't as concerned about getting along with the new people, as I was about the people I have known for years. I'm so relieved that things worked out better than I ever could have imagined. It sounds sappy, but honestly you have to be willing to give of yourself to fully enjoy your life. Humans are social beings and seek companionship. Maintaining all types of relationships are very difficult, but definitely worth it the effort.

" I don't want to spend my whole life afraid of saying hello for fear of saying goodbye."
Dog;s Eye View

When things with my family got a little rough, I had to rely a lot on my friends. I never thought that I would be in that position and I am so grateful that they were there for me when I needed them most. I still have trouble with the whole trust thing. I think maybe I always will, but we all have issues. It could be a lot worse. So many things could be a lot worse. If there is anything I can do to make it better, I'll give it a try, but if not, I'll just say fine and think about something else. Maybe that's bad, but honestly sometimes it's easier just to forget about your problems and enjoy the other moments in life.

One thing I'm really enjoying is finally being twenty-one and actually having a license picture that was taken this year rather than when I was 16. This is the one time in life that I was pleased about a birthday. Not that this is unusual for an American turning 21. After that, birthdays seem even worse than they did at 19 and 20. I even feel like I'm getting old. I pride myself on my ability to function on less sleep than most people I know. But now it's just getting more and more difficult to get by on minimal sleep. As if getting old wasn't annoying enough. There's the whole Catch 22 related to age. How is it possible to be considered young in one respect, but old in another, all at the same age? To half of my friends I, at 21, am old. But to the rest I'm just a baby. It's all perspective. And that can be annoying, but actually it's part of what I love about people. I am so amazed about how different people's lives can be just based on one small factor, like what state they live in, or how many brothers and sisters they had. We are effected by so many different things it's amazing. Just the people we meet is as random as what shirt you decide to wear one day. Now I'm practicing Catholic who also strongly believes in astrology and horoscopes. I don't know how much they contradict each other, but I manage to make them blend to fit my life. And as long as I'm satisfied with my beliefs then I can't really force anyone else to agree or accept them.

This whole attitude seems really new to me because while I was growing up, I was just a happy kid. That's probably all because I just had such good time everywhere I was. My parents loved having kids and gave me basically a lot more than I could have asked for. They definitely weren't the perfect parents, but I do appreciate them for everything that they did give me. And now that I am getting older, it's easier for me for me to see my parents more as regular people.