The long walk to Thurther

 

Ever spent hours wondering what thoughts peruse through the minds of antelope from Katmandu? Well, unfortunately our research into the development of dialect translators has hit a barrier since the infamous Dow Jones slump. What does that have to do with dialect translators? We don’t know - but we are continually trying to find out! That is our motto here at Catch 22 Industries – “No matter how hard you try you will always fail.”

Brett Bates interviews Kevin and Mark, worldwide leaders in the understanding of antelope bleating. These students give us insight into the minds of the Katmandu antelope.

 

Brett:       How did you two get involved with antelope?

Kevin:                Antelope?

Mark:      Involved? (seems horrified)

Brett:       No, how did you guys begin your research into the Katmandu antelope?

Kevin:     I am just a varsity student, in fact I didn’t even know antelope had gills until two weeks ago.

Brett:       Antelope don’t have gills.

Mark:      Sure they do.

Kevin:     I’ll bet you’ve never even seen an antelope or its gills.

Brett:       Yes I have.

Kevin:     You see, they do have gills.

Brett:       Christ.

Mark:      Yes?

Brett:       Okay forget it. Forget it. So then what do you guys do all day?

Mark:      Well, we count the beams on the ceiling of the synagogue.

Kevin:     I couldn’t get past five without losing track of which beam I’m on. I’d have to take a rough estimate of about 150 per row and at 8 rows would make it about 1200 beams. That’s a lot of beams.

Mark:      It wouldn’t seem that many at first glance. You’d think maybe ‘bout 20, 30 beams at the most. But 1200! That’s crazy.

Brett:                Uhhhhh…

Kevin:     Speaking of 150 why is it that we pronounce it “one-hundred and fifty” whilst the Americans pronounce it “one-hundred fifty”. I mean what the hell is that?

Brett:       I don’t really think it’s that important.

Kevin:     Point taken but if you didn’t think that’s insane then try this one: Why is it that we are the only country in which provinces have a “the” in front of them?  e.g. “the Transvaal”, “the Cape” and “the Orange Free State”.

Mark:      But never “the Queensland”, “the New York” or “the Mississippi.”

Brett:       Uh – uh, got you! You can say “the Mississippi”.

Kevin:     Uh – uh, shut up. That’s the river not the state.

Brett:       Sorry.

Mark:      But, nicknames all get  “the”: “the Big Apple”, “the Windy City”, etc.

Kevin:     So if we nicknamed a city “The” then its nickname would read “the The” which would effectively be pronounced “Thurther” so that when families take long road trips the little runt at the back can whine – “How much further to Thurther?”

Brett:       I’ll think about that when I have children. But we’re drifting – you said you were Jewish?

Mark:                      No we didn’t.

Brett:       You said you were in the synagogue though.

Mark:      That’s correct.

Brett:       Then you are Jewish?

Kevin:     Bahai.

Mark:      Muslim.

Brett:       Well, which one?

Kevin:     Bahai.

Mark:      Muslim.

Brett:       Come on guys, synagogue is a Jewish thing.

Kevin:     Then why did you ask?

Brett:       I… ummm… Have either of you ever been to Africa?

Mark:      We live in Africa.

Brett:       I mean, central Africa.

Kevin:     I once got stuck without petrol, but it wasn’t in central Africa.

Mark:      I once got stuck on a roller-coaster because it ran out of petrol.

Brett:       Roller-coasters don’t run on petrol

Mark:      In Thurther they do.

Brett:       But Thurther doesn’t exist!

Kevin:     Neither do petrol-driven roller-coasters.

Brett:       My God.

Mark:      Yes?

Brett:       The reason I ask is because, as you well know, the antelope originated in central Africa at the time when all the continents were joined as one land mass.

Kevin:     But that would mean the earth is spherical.

Brett:       Yes, well, it is.

Mark:      No! It just doesn’t make sense.

Brett:       People have seen it from space – of course it’s spherical.

Mark:      Prove it.

Kevin:     The way I see it is that these Kathmandu antelope must have made their way South from Antarctica in the early Jurassic era coming to settle in what we now know as Asia approximately 750 000 years ago. It is the only…

Mark:      Have you ever seen a dog trip?

Kevin:     No, never.

Brett:       Look, can we please continue with the antelope?

Mark:      No, no, wait a minute. They’ve got four legs – they should trip twice as much.

Kevin:     Yeah because 2 x 2 equals to 4. Man, am I ever alert. Are you alert, Brett?

Brett:       I like to think that I am.

Kevin:     That’s good – the world needs lerts.

Mark:      Its kinda like that dog Laika who went into space.

Brett:       Why?

Kevin:                Obviously, Laika died in space.

Brett:       But what has Laika got to do with dogs tripping?

Kevin:     Well Brett, Laika was a dog.

Brett:       But she never tripped.

Mark:      How can you be so sure?

Brett:       Uhhhhhh,

Kevin:     Well, I don’t know about you Mark but I want to know for sure. We must conduct our own experiments to see if dogs trip when they are not on the ground.

Brett:       But what would you use to test that?

Kevin:     A blimp.

Mark:      If you had a blimp would you ever get blimpsick?

Brett:       I guess…

Mark:      Would you ever use your blimp for evil?

Brett:       To be honest, I haven’t really thought of it. But what about the antelope?

Mark:      Sure, antelope can trip.

Brett:       But that’s not what I mean…

Kevin:     I’ll bet cats come from Kathmandu!

Brett:       Wha…

Mark:      Yeah! A great big whole lot of cats! That’s why its called Kathmandu.

Kevin:     Kat-hmandu, get it Kat?

Brett:       Yeah I get it. That’s very funny. Do you have a history of mental disease in your family?

Mark:      Nobody’s ever called me crazy before. So if there are 5 999 999 999 people who think that we’re not insane, and 1 person who thinks we are – what does that tell you Brett?

Brett:       Oh man, give me a break. I’m just a journalist trying to do my job.

Kevin:     You’re a journalist for SAUJS interviewing people like us? Doesn’t that bum you out?

Brett:       No, I enjoy my job.

Mark:      Yeah. Like I enjoy being called crazy by a crazy man.

Brett:       I’m not crazy.

Kevin:     Okay, then what is your name?

Brett:       Brett Bates.

Kevin:     But Brett Bates doesn’t exist.

Jock:      Do you know that for objects to travel at the speed of light they must have zero mass?

Mark:      No, Jock. Didn’t know that one.

Kevin:     Me neither.

Brett:       Who said that? Who’s Jock?

Mark:

Kevin:

Brett:       Look I just want to learn about the Kathmandu antelope. All I’ve wanted to do this whole interview is find out about the frigging Kathmandu antelope. Now, I am tired. I want to go home, I want to sleep and I never want to see you two again. Now if you two know anything about the Kathmandu antelope then tell me or we are going to end it right now.

Kevin:     I do, I do!

Brett:       What? Please just tell me.

Kevin:     They have gills.