I have been happily married to my husband for 14 years. We have two sons ages 10 and 13. I had problems during my first pregnancy, my son was born at 26 weeks into my pregnancy and he weighed 2 pounds 4 ounces, today he is in perfect health. My pregnancy for my youngest son was perfect, he weighed 8 pounds at birth and was healthy. After the birth of my second son, my husband I decided that our family was now complete. In March of 1995; 12 years into my marriage; I knew I was pregnant. I did not know how to tell my husband that I was pregnant, I did not know how he would react to the news. During the early stages of my pregnancy I went through many mood swings, very tired and was experiencing morning sickness. By this time I had no doubt that I was pregnant, yet I still could not bring myself to tell my husband. On one hand I was excited about being pregnant, and on the other I was scared, and confused.

One morning in April my husband woke up, and out of the blue he hugged me. When I began to cry uncontrollably he asked, "Tammy are you pregnant?" Through my sobs I answered yes. I had kept my pregnancy a secret as long as I possibly could. He was overjoyed at the news of my pregnancy, he hugged me again and we cried together. After a long talk we decided to tell our sons about my pregnancy, they were ecstatic about the news of a new little brother or sister. We all agreed that we would not tell anyone else in our family just yet, not until my pregnancy was confirmed by a doctor.

Now that I had told my sons and my husband that I was pregnant it was time to make a doctor’s appointment. I asked my sister-in-law to go with me to my appointment; the doctor confirmed my pregnancy. While at the doctor’s office I got to hear my baby’s heart beat for the first time, it was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard.

I have 2 wonderful sons, but I have always felt my life would not be complete without a daughter. I wanted to be able to pass down my families traditions, share my life, my love, and my inner most secrets with a daughter. Every night when I went to bed I asked God to send me some kind of sign to let me know whether I was carrying a boy or a girl. I had a burning desire to know the gender of my child, but I had decided that I did not want to know until my baby was born. We had decided that our sons would be there when the baby was born and we would all find out whether it was a boy or a girl together. One night, I awakened by a voice of someone (whom I do not remember) talking to me. I was to scared to open my eyes so I sat there with them shut. In my mind I saw clouds, it was a beautiful sight, I heard the voice say, "You’re having a daughter." I was half asleep and half awake, when I opened my eyes no one was there. I said "thank you," and laid down again and drifted off to sleep.

On May 23, 1995 we decided to tell both of our families that we were going to have a baby. Everyone was surprised and happy, many had tears of joy in their eyes (they all knew how much I wanted I love children, and how much I wanted a daughter). My husband and I decided to make my sons as much a part of this pregnancy as possible. Every Saturday my sons and I would go on shopping sprees to find things for the baby. Our shopping sprees were always great adventures.

My doctor told me that I needed to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was going smoothly with my pregnancy. I never second guessed my doctor; therefore I made an appointment for a ultrasound as soon as possible. My husband was offshore and unable to attend the appointment. I brought both of my sons to the appointment with me, so they could see their little brother or sister for the first time. Even though I was having the ultrasound done I had still decided to keep the gender of the baby a secret. All three of us were happy; we were all smiling and giggling a lot. The boys were so excited they tried to talk the nurse into telling them if the baby was a boy or a girl. We had decided to have the ultra sound taped as a keep sake for our unborn child. During the ultrasound we could see the baby sucking it’s thumb; the nurse teased and asked if she should show us the gender of the baby. Then, all of a sudden she stopped the tape and said; "thank you have a nice day"; something must have been terribly wrong. All she would tell me is that the doctor would call me later that afternoon.

When I left the doctor’s office I felt so empty, so alone, I just wanted to cry. On my way home I went to see my mother; to talk to her to let her know what had happened at the doctor’s office; I was crying so much she barely understood me. She decided to call the doctor and try to find out what was going on. All the doctor would tell us at that moment was that it was a life and death situation,and that I needed to get my husband in from offshore as soon as possible, we needed to be in the office the next day for an appointment to talk about the ultrasound. That whole evening, I was frightened, scared, and alone; the only thing I could think of was what life and death situation could be happening to me. Was there something wrong with me, or with the baby, maybe with both of us. I began to feel guilty because when I first thought I was pregnant I wish that I wasn’t pregnant.

The next afternoon my husband, my mother, and I went to the appointment at the scheduled time, it seemed as thought an eternity had passed and that this moment would never arrive. As we sat in the doctor’s office and she explained that our child had numerous birth defects, and that she would not live, "OUR WORLD CRASHED." This wonderful dream had just become our biggest night mare. Due to a lack of folic acid our daughter had spina bifida, among other debilitating defects.

I did not or could not understand anything that was being said. All I knew was that I felt like I was going to die, as though a part of me was dying. I felt like all of my emotions had been unleashed on me all at once; my heart felt like it was about to shatter into a million pieces, my body felt like it would explode; I was weak and could not move, my whole body was numb. My body and mind were lifeless, I was paralyzed for a brief instant. I cried until I felt I had no more tears left. I wanted to run and hide until this whole nightmare was over. The remainder of that day I spent in my bedroom either crying or sleeping. We felt there had to be a mistake in this diagnosis. The next day we had an appointment for a second opinion. My worst fears were confirmed. There was no hope ...

We were told that the longest our child would live would be 3 hours. The doctor was wonderful; he explained everything to us. He explained that anencephaly can be caused by a lack of, or too much folic acid, or by alcohol or drug abuse. We were faced with the hardest decision of our life; should we go ahead with the induction of labor. When we sought out our second opinion I was only 20 weeks pregnant, due to Louisiana law I had to wait until I was at least 24 weeks pregnant to have my labor inducted.

Beings I was only 20 weeks pregnant this left 4 weeks to research this disease, deformity, and illness. I spent 4 weeks at the public library devouring every bit of information I could get me hands on, my husband used the time to get the funeral arrangements made. During this period, I went to the doctor weekly for a check up.

At the begining of my 25th week of pregnancy I was admitted to the hospital to begin the induction of labor. It lasted for the whole week, when the doctors realized that I wan not going to go into natural labor they decided to do a cesarian section. On Sunday May 23, 1995 Michelle was born at 8:40 A.M. Her father, grandmother, and grandfather spent the 3 hours of her life with her. During these precious hours my daughter lived and breathed... she changed our lives forever.