Qui oggi, Non piú qui domani...
per me qui si va nella città dolente
per me qui si va nell'eterno dolore
per me qui si va fra la perduta gente
lasciate ogni speranza voi che entrate
(Dante, l'inferno, cap. II)

1. Dire grazie e forse arrivederci: Banca Ciao

2. Rispettare le regole secondo: The Fun Standard

3. Special High Intensity Training: S.H.I.T.

4. WorkPlace Laws
 

Sulle note di Bella ciao....

Questa mattina mi sono svegliato
o Banca ciao, Banca ciao, Banca ciao ciao ciao
questa mattina mi son svegliato
e ho deciso di partir.

E se io parto, da Adriano,
o Banca ciao, Banca ciao, Banca ciao ciao ciao
e se io parto da Adriano
tu mi devi garantir.

E garantire, che per trent'anni
o Banca ciao, Banca ciao, Banca ciao ciao ciao
e garantire, che per trent'anni
in non potro' piu' lavorar.

E lavorare, sul suolo elvetico,
o Banca ciao, Banca ciao, Banca ciao ciao ciao
e lavorare, sul suolo elvetico,
non sara' cosa da far.

Cosi' le genti, che passerranno
o Banca ciao, Banca ciao, Banca ciao ciao ciao
cosi' le genti, che passerranno
mi diranno che bel fiöö.

E questo e' il fiöö, dell'Adriano,
o Banca ciao, Banca ciao, Banca ciao ciao ciao
e questo e' il fiöö, dell'Adriano,
partito per la libertá!

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Index

1.0 Background, Purpose, and Scope

2.0 Definition

3.0 Proces

3.1 Every Manager will
3.2 Every Employee will
3.3 Human Resources will
3.4 Facilities will
3.5 Support Staff will
3.6 All Personnel will

5.0 References

Document number: 37IWS
Date effective: Today
Owner: Everyone

1.0 Background, Purpose, and Scope

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2.0 Definition

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3.0 Process

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3.1 Every Manager will:

• Communicate the goal, develop the plan, monitor the schedule, put the right people in the right positions, ensure that everyone knows how they can help the team, and decide how to react to surprises.
• Think of themself as an employee of their organization, and provide the resources their staff needs to do their work.
• Have at least one meeting a week, mandate attendance at no more than 4 hours of meetings a week, hold regular meetings in the afternoon, and start each meeting with a statement of purpose and an agenda - drafting both when the meeting starts if not already agreed.
• Request and read a maximum one page weekly report from all direct staff, and ensure that no staff member needs more than 30 minutes a week to prepare all of their regular reports.
• Make promotions based purely on merit, plus proof that at least one member of the candidate?s staff can do their job as well as they can.
• Assign responsibility, authority, and accountability as a single package.
• Plan to make overtime unnecessary, and schedule based on bottom-up estimates made by those who perform the work.
• Make a regular practice of MBWA - management by walking around.
• Provide a feedback mechanism for all employees, and visibly action and reward useful suggestions.
• Provide profit sharing for everyone in the organization.
• Have lunch at least once a month with the junior staff.
• Share credit for all successes, and take responsibility for all failures.

3.2 Every Employee will:

• Place first priority on fulfillment of the goals of the whole organization, and refrain from construction of disconnected empires unrelated to business goals.
• Respect all personnel independent of their area of expertise.
• Share knowledge with others, never employ technical double- talk, and say they don't know when they don't know.
• Write documents so they can be understood, and use brevity to maximize clarity.
• Attain zero defects in any work they pass on to someone else by double-checking it for accuracy, completeness, and consistency.
• Relate to their boss the way they would like employees to relate to them if they were the boss.

3.3 Human Resources will:

• Provide all personnel with adequate medical, dental, and disability insurance, and repay out-of-pocket expenses within three business days.

• Ensure that all personnel receive at least three weeks of vacation a year, and that at least three weeks of unused vacation can be carried over from one year to the next.

• Facilitate flexible working hours, and allow overtime hours worked to be taken in time off.

• Ensure that jerks and meanies receive corrective action, including counseling if required, and then, if still unresponsive, allocation to a peripheral group where they can't damage the rest of the organization and have to work exclusively with each other until reformed.

• Ensure that all personnel receive at least two weeks of training a year, and enable employees to choose their own training if not selected by their management.

3.4 Facilities will:

• Ensure that at least three live plants and one outside window are visible from every working area.

• Reduce, absorb, and deflect noise wherever possible.

• Use only halogen, incandescent, and full spectrum fluorescent lighting.

• Make printable whiteboards and markers in at least three colours available to all staff.

• Ensure that bathroom stalls are at least three feet wide, toilet paper has a roughness level less than plywood, and water taps stay open at least five seconds after being turned on.

• Provide all personnel with a computer no more than three years old, a word processing, spreadsheet, and graphics package, and email, news group, and world wide web access to the internet.

3.5 Support Staff will:

• Eliminate bureaucracy and interdepartmental turf wars.

• Shorten cycle times and decrease the complexity of processes.

• Facilitate the smooth functioning of the organization in all aspects for which they have responsibility.

3.6 All Personnel will:

• Keep a sense of humor at all times, and never raise voices.

• Strive for excellence and continuous quality improvement in all aspects of their jobs.

• Never ask for something they don't need, never promise results they know can't be delivered, write down and do anything they say they'll do, and provide notification as far in advance as possible when a commitment cannot be fulfilled.

• Actively listen to everyone, never interrupt anyone, and change their mind without hesitation when they hear a genuinely better idea.

• Be gender, disability, religion, and colour blind, respect all other personnel as human beings of equal value, and never try to increase their self esteem by decreasing someone else's.

• Never spread harmful gossip about other personnel, maximize the understanding of other worker's positive qualities, and congratulate others whenever possible - mentioning specifics.

• Turn every complaint into a constructive suggestion for improvement.

• Never come to work with a contagious or infectious illness.

• Erase the whiteboard at the end of the meeting.

• Take coffee from the second pot, and make a new pot when the second pot is empty.

• Smile at least twice an hour, for at least five seconds each time.

4.0 Exit Criteria

Failure to have fun will not be tolerated.

This version supersedes all previous issues, and takes precedence over constitutions.

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5.0 References

1. Scott Adams, "The Dilbert Principle"

2. Norman Augustine, "Augustine's Laws"

3. David Firth, "How To Make Work Fun"

4. C. Northcote Parkinson, "The Law"

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Permission granted to distribute, copy, modify, improve, or reuse in any form.
La version en español se encuentra disponible a través de rodolfo guevara en la siguiente dirección rsg@usa.net
Please send additions, comments, requests for the latest version, and subscriptions to the once a year update mailing list to william stewart at seven@fox.nstn.ca (V19980106 )

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TO: All Employees
FROM: The Management
SUBJECT: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

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A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard

When bosses discuss improving productivity, they don't mean themselves

Mother said there'd be days like this, but she never said there'd be so many

Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous"

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to do

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail

The last person to quit will be the one held responsible for everything that's wrong

There is never enough time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization

If you're good, you get a lot of work. If you're really good, you get out of it

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk

People are always available for work in the past tense

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done

Authority is inversely proportional to the number of pens a person carries

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like

The longer the title, the less important the job

Machines that have broken down will work fine when the repairman arrives

An "acceptable" level of employment means the person who accepts it has a job

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own

Success is just a matter of luck... just ask any failure

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Hai nuove idee? Altre opinioni? Scrivici: artigli@geocities.com
 

La pagina é stata visitata: volte dal 26 febbraio 1998.