Bitching: (v)
Good Bitching
Art and Science
There is both a science and an art to bitching. To bitch effectively, one must understand the science, but the true joy is in the art.
A New Look at Bitching
In the sections to follow I hope to show a new way of looking at the art and science of bitching. I will discuss theories and ideas. Pointers are on the next page.
To truly understand good bitching, we must start with the basics. So I will begin by discussing the science of bitching, the forms and ways that one can become a good bitcher.
Complaining, whining, and griping are not the same as bitching. They are all effective tools that are used by good bitchers, but by themselves they are simply annoying. A good bitcher that can incorporate these things effectively is someone to be respected for their ability.
For anyone to bitch effectively they must first understand what they are bitching about and why. Bitching without reason merely makes you unenjoyable to be around and pedantic. You should bitch about things that you care about as simply bitching for the sake of bitching is hard to get into and you can never achieve the true art level of bitching.
Being a bitch does not mean being loud or rude. One can bitch and still maintain manners and salvage others' ears. Actually, variation in voice can be a very effective tool to ensure that your target hears and understands all of your bitching. By varying pitch and volume gracefully you will keep the listener interested and avoid becoming dull or monotonous.
Ultimately remember that the reason you are bitching is to try and improve all the shit that this world has to offer to you. You don't want shit and you don't want your friends to have to put up with it as well. So stir things up a bit and bitch about it. If you bitch effectively you can usually have the shit removed and make life generally more pleasant for you and yours.
The true art of bitching is not something that can be fully explained in words. It was once thought that you either had it or you didn't, but that is not true and most bitching experts (expecially other greater gods of bitching) will now tell you that an art for bitching can be developed with perseverance and practice. As with everything, practice makes perfect, so just keep on bitching and sooner or later you'll move beyond going through the functions to understanding it on an intuitive level and bitching from your soul.
Bitch Pointers
This will probably change with time, but here are some useful pointers to better enhance your bitching experience for you and for those you bitch to!
I have broken this down in sections. If you have suggestions for a section you'd like to see, then email me and I'll try and find some good pointers for you.
Food
Generally, the times to bitch about food are when you don't like it or if the selection is not good enough. However, I have heard rumor that once an exceptionally good bitcher bitched about food being GOOD. Expressly stating what you don't like about the food gives you not only crediation, but somewhere to go if you want to bitch for an extended period (warning: you should always warm up before long-term bitching; I'll try to create good warm up exercises with time). If the food itself is bad, handing it back helps to drive your point home. Remember that you are trying to accomplish something, so simply bitching but then doing nothing about it is pointless. You may end up eating it anyway, but be sure that if you do you've either tried to have it fixed or you are making a point by doing so.
Computers and electronics
Computers and electronic devices are not perfect, but they should be. I find it helpful to start by bitching at the offending equipment before bitching to others about it. Rarely does this accomplish a measurable good, but if you are the type of person that gains something cathartic by a good tounge-lashing at what ails you (as I am), then it still serves purpose. From here it would be advisable to take a moment and find out who needs to be informed of your problem. If your computer keeps crashing for an unknown reason, bitching at your spouse will do nothing, however, bitching at a tech support person or the person that sold it to you (if it's recent) might. Keep in mind two things here. Tech support people are more likely to help you if you control your bitching, so there is a time and place. Reserve bitching at them until nothing else seems to be working. Secondly, though you shouldn't bitch at your spouse, sometimes it can be very nice to have them bitch with you. Remember, bitching is an activity that can be fun for the whole family, and is enhanced when several people join in together to build on each other's bitching.
Automotives (including traffic lights)
Driving is a great time to just get practice at bitching, especially if you are new to it and still uncomfortable bitching in front of others. It's nothing to be ashamed of, even I do a lot of bitching while driving, just to keep up my edge. Most of the great bitchers do. The most obvious target is other cars on the road. When someone does something stupid, especially if it affects you directly, it's time to bitch. Unless you are yelling out the window (something I don't recommend) or there are others in the car, no one will hear you, but comments like "jackass", "idiot", and (my favorite) "use a turn signal, stupid" can be very helpful. Be creative and think up your own. There are an infinite number of situations and many comments that can apply to them all. Traffic lights are also a fun thing to practice bitching at, though be wary of doing it to a timetable. Lights that are red for a long period of time or that turn yellow right as you reach it so that you have to stop deserve to have a little bitch power thrown their way.
People
People, of course, are the most predominate target of bitching. Some loose pointers have already been mentioned in other sections, which I will reiterate here. Don't bitch at people that can do nothing to help you or to fix things. Don't bitch at those that are close to you unless you have a good reason. Most of your friends can probably take a little bitching (especially if they know that you are a liscensed bitcher; it's expected of you at times), but too much drives anyone away (even other bitches). Bitching WITH others can often be more effective and more enjoyable for everyone doing the bitching and it helps each other to build on everyone else's skills.
Inanimate objects
See computers and electronics.
Other
I will add as I think of things....send me suggestions!
Now that you have read all of this, try applying for a Bitch License (don't try bitching without it!).
Also, look at the bitch chain.