I was being my usual apathetic self again.
It's ironic when I think about it, because whether a person finds God and is saved as a result matters to me. But apart from that, I don't really care for anything or anyone.
In fact, when people call me up or talk to me about their problems, I am tempted to tell to just deal with it by themselves and get on with life. That's what I would usually do. Of course, I know saying something like this would hurt them badly, so I try to put on my best face forward and offer them some form of "counselling". I guess I still have a bit of love inside.
If I had time, if I had energy, and most of all, if I had love, things would be different. Perhaps even what little I do for others is really out of pride, rather than love. The only certain conclusion I can come to is this: I'm not God, I can't do any of the things He does.
For what felt like years now, I have had to be a source of encouragement and support for those around me. I am no greater than anyone else, because this is what we are called to do.
At times I'd feel so tired, like the weight of the entire world was on my shoulders. I dare not say "no" to a friend who wants me to listen to him, for fear of being responsible for that which may be irrevocable. I dare not show my true inner feelings in group settings, for fear of ruining someone.
I know I can't make them understand a part of me. This is one of the reasons why I tend to avoid people from time to time.
Have I ever thought that by being passionate about people's welfare, life would be better for myself as well as for others? I have. In fact, I agree that this is the better way to live, and not as how I am now. Except, put as simply as I can, I don't care. About things. About people.
It's probably also why I'll never be anything more than what I am now.
Because of how I am, I won't ever be worthy. But I couldn't care less.
Wed 28th May 2003